Hosanna! The day is finally here when we can break the tyranny of Big Tech and give all our private data to Donald Trump. Well, okay it's not here here. But yesterday the former president announced that he'll soon be blessing us with the social media platform of our dreams, where we'll all be able to speak our unvaccinated truths. And that guy would never promise something and not deliver, would he?

"I created TRUTH Social and TMTG to stand up to the tyranny of Big Tech. We live in a world where the Taliban has a huge presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American President has been silenced. This is unacceptable. I am excited to send out my first TRUTH on TRUTH Social very soon. TMTG was founded with a mission to give a voice to all. I'm excited to soon beginning sharing my thoughts on TRUTH Social and to fight back against Big Tech. Everyone asks me why doesn't someone stand up to Big Tech? Well, we will soon!"

Give me your groypers, your QAnons, your unvaccinated Oath Keepers yearning to breathe free, the wretched Nazis banned from your teeming shores!


Behold the pitch deck for Trump Media & Technology Group, a "Mission Driven Organization" which will "fight for the First Amendment protections and freedoms of all Americans, protect democracy, and defend capitalism."

When it comes to graphics, no expense has been spared.


They've done the research, and they know that 230 years of American media has been leading up to this very moment.


The country is dangerously polarized, so obviously it is time to MAKE BANK by fracturing it even more.


Of course the US population went from 100 million in the 1980s to 200 million in the 1990s, and if you didn't know that, you're a fool. But seriously, in short, it's ridiculous. It's 22 pages of crappy graphics announcing the launch of a knockoff Twitter site called "Truth" and a streaming service that will cater to your burning need for "'non-woke' entertainment programming, news, podcasts, and more." This will apparently including manly sports like boxing and sumo wrestling. (Props to the artist who included the ass shot of obese wrestler in a purple thong.)

Trump's mommyblog gets a few thousand hits a day, and yet this goob is still promising to bring 146 million followers with him to the platform – the total number of followers he had on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram put together before he got booted for that whole fomenting insurrection business.

Also, he's going to take on Netflix, CNN, Disney+, iHeart Media, and, oh, hell, why not Google, Amazon, Stripe, and Azure, too. Which only makes sense for a company that's seeking investors and values itself at $1.7 billion based on an incoherent slide show.

As is so often the case with Trump, he stumbled ass backward into the project and managed to land in pigshit — digitally, if not literally. In the most charitable interpretation of last night's debacle, a beta test version of the site prematurely ejaculated into existence and was instantly overrun by trolls. The handles for "donaldtrump," "donaldjtrump," and "mike pence" were immediately claimed, with someone posting an image of a pig defecating onto its own swollen scrotum in the former president's name.

Apt.

Within a few hours, the site was shut down and the accounts deactivated. So much for "building a 'non-cancellable' global community."

And speaking of barnyard excretions, the terms of service for this unique and wonderful platform rather undercut the freewheeling promises of the pitch. In addition to hoovering up user data like literally every other platform on earth, the site bans spam and bots, bars users from using the site to market their own businesses, and enjoins "unauthorized framing of or linking to the Site," whatever the hell that may be.

And no weird capital letters — those are all for Donald Trump!

As a user of the Site, you agree not to ... upload or transmit (or attempt to upload or to transmit) viruses, Trojan horses, or other material, including excessive use of capital letters and spamming (continuous posting of repetitive text), that interferes with any party's uninterrupted use and enjoyment of the Site or modifies, impairs, disrupts, alters, or interferes with the use, features, functions, operation, or maintenance of the Site.

The site gets to do cancel cultures to you at will, of course, including deleting your account if you "disparage, tarnish, or otherwise harm, in our opinion, us and/or the Site." So, if you criticize Trump, the Trump Organization, or this low rent Twitter knockoff site, or if you point out that this whole venture is a pathetic joke, you'll get the boot. Which is fascism when Twitter does it, but totes cool when the mods are on the Red Team.

Over at GETTR, Trump's former campaign manager is delighted. "Congratulations to President Trump for re-entering the social media fray! Now Facebook and Twitter will lose even more market share," he said in a statement posted to Twitter.

Which was more gracious than what he got from his former patron. As the Daily Beast's Will Sommer noted, buried in one of Trump's amazing pitch slides was an odd little Easter egg.


Computer, enhance!

Did these passive aggressive assholes just subtweet a competing platform by superimposing the Chinese flag onto it, a none-too-subtle reference to GETTR's relationship with fugitive Chinese billionaire Guo Wengui?

LOL!

Godspeed, gentlemen.

[Pitch Deck / TOS]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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