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We mention occasionally that it appears that Vladimir Putin closed escrow on Donald Trump's dumb ass years ago. After all there must be some reason that Trump is physically incapable of saying a bad word about the Russian strongman he obviously loves so very much. (What reason could that be? Maybe Putin has a pee tape on Donald Trump or maybe he's got all kinds of other non-pee dirts on Trump and/or maybe it's just that the only reason Trump is president of the United States is that Putin installed him as his puppet. So many possibilities!)

Anyway, Trump has done it yet again. This weekend, while Putin's puppet was gassing babies at the American border, Putin himself was seizing three Ukrainian ships and kidnapping Ukrainian sailors in the Kerch Strait, a narrow passage the countries theoretically share. It was an attack, plain and simple, and the free world is pissed. UN Ambassador For Like Five More Minutes Nikki Haley did a pretty good impression of how a normal American presidential administration would react to this:


"This is no way for a law-abiding, civilized nation to act. Impeding Ukraine's lawful transit through the Kerch Strait is a violation under international law. It is an arrogant act that the international community must condemn and will never accept."

She continued, perhaps lightly acknowledging (?) that the president she serves is a submissive lapdog whenever the name "Putin" is mentioned:

"As President Trump said many times, the United States would welcome a normal relationship with Russia, but outlaw actions like this one continue to make that impossible," she said.

Yeah he's said that many times. He fucking says it in his sleep, probably.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo even briefly grew a dick and said the United States (but not Trump personally, heaven forfend!) "condemns this aggressive Russian action."

Trump was singing a different tune on Monday, because "Aggressive Russian Action" is a foreplay phrase for him and also his safe word (allegedly), telling reporters that the situation in Ukraine is #AwfulJustAwful but we have to remember that there are good people on both sides, very good people, very both sides:

"Not good. We're not happy about it at all," he said. "We do not like what's happening either way."

WHAT IN THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Not long before Trump went to Helsinki to get starry-eyed and jizzy-pantsed because he got to have Alone Time with Vladimir Putin, Trump made up this bullshit to tell reporters about Russia's illegal annexation of Crimea:

President Obama lost Crimea. [...] It's his fault. [...] President Putin didn't respect our country and didn't respect Ukraine. But President Obama, not Trump ... [BLAH BLAH SOMETHING ABOUT RED LINES]

That is mostly an exact quote. It is also some breathtaking bullshit, as Defense Secretary Jim Mattis explained about nine seconds after Trump said that.

Trump thinks Crimea should be part of Russia, because they speak Russian there, and also because that's what his real dad Vlad wants. Trump thinks the G7 should be the G8 again, because he just really hates that Russia was kicked the fuck out of the G8 in punishment for its illegal invasion and annexation of the Crimean peninsula. And we all know how Trump feels about the UNFAIR FAKE NEWS WITCH HUNT sanctions America put on Russia, many of which were in direct response to its illegal invasion and annexation of the Crimean peninsula.

Basically, if it hurts Putin, it hurts Trump. We don't know the full extent of exactly how and why it hurts Trump, we just know that he feels it deep in the folds of his rancid chunk body.

The Trump adminsistration occasionally likes to brag about how it IS TOO on Ukraine's side, like a normal freedom-loving NATO country, citing this one time earlier this year when they quietly sold Ukraine a bunch of anti-tank missiles. While it's true that it was very nice of the Trump administration to do that arms deal, it's also true that weirdly at the exact same time the Ukrainian government killed its own investigation into Paul Manafort, quit cooperating with the Robert Mueller investigation, and conveniently let Manafort's Russian spy business partner Konstantin Kilimnik hop the border to hide in Russia, where he can't be extradited.

That and the bullshit comment about how Russia only annexed Crimea because Barack Obama refused to show his longform birth certificate are the only times Trump has ever been "nice" to Ukraine.

Sorry your sailors got kidnapped, Ukraine! The president of the United States is busy being compromised by your enemy right now, SHRUGGIE EMOTICON.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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