Trump Knows Oranges Of Mueller Probe, But Doesn't Know Oranges Of Own Father :(

HEY-O, worried about the president's brain again!

Trump was meeting with NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg on Tuesday -- you know, that alliance we're supposed to be protecting -- and he made the mistake of speaking out loud to journalists in the room, like he always does. As usual, it didn't go well.

First, he got very mad about how the Mueller report -- you know, the one he really wants us all to see, except for how he doesn't -- fails to cover the "oranges" of the investigation into his ties with Russia. We'd call it a slip of the tongue if he didn't say it three times.

He's talking about the Fox News/Devin Nunes conspiracy theory that rogue bad FBI actors decided, obviously upon Hillary Clinton's command, to start a fake investigation into his campaign. You know, the "oranges." He does that weird thing where he tries different words, like "start" and "beginning," but he just keeps going back to the "oranges." Hey remember that time Trump had so much fun trying to angrily say "anonymous" when that anonymous Trump White House person wrote in the New York Times about how they went to work every day to undermine him? He shoulda just said "oranges"!

Interestingly, in complaining that the "oranges" aren't in the Mueller report, Trump sounds like he knows exactly which "oranges" are in there, which is funny, because Bill Barr said he'd be keeping those oranges to himself, instead of letting the White House have a sneak peek. Was Bill Barr lying? Or is Trump just pulling oranges out of his ass, like he always does?

Trump also talked about Germany, which he loves, even though really he hates Germany, because Angela Merkel makes his panty-oranges feel small and weak. He explained that he has a certain affection for Germany, because of how his racist dad was born there.

My father is German, was German. Born in a very wonderful place in Germany.

Nope! Fred Trump was born in New York City.

Donald Trump's grandfather was born in Germany, came to the Americas, ran a brothel in British Columbia, and all kinds of other stuff. His father, on the other hand, lied and said he had Swedish heritage, despite being born in New York. (It's kind of a long-running Trump family lie. Awwwwwww, the Trump family has lie traditions!) And we could say, oh sure, maybe he meant grandpa, except for how he has said this before. At least three times.

Does Donald Trump know where his dad was born? Or is he just lying about where his dad was born, for Trump birther lie tradition reasons we cannot even imagine?

And if he doesn't know where his dad was born, does this possibly call into question Trump's whole birther crusade against Obama? Maybe Trump is just convinced of extremely alternative facts about where everybody he's ever met was born, including his own family?

Just kidding, Trump birthered Obama because he is a racist.

Elsewhere during the short press availability, Trump said one thing correctly, which was horrifying in and of itself. On his bugfuck threats to close the border with Mexico, Trump said that yes, "It will have a negative effect on the economy." So he knows that! But then he said it's for "security," which is "more important than trade," so that's your America First president saying it's OK if the economy tanks, as long as the scary brown Mexicans who live in his imagination aren't invading America.

He went through a litany of all his buzzword grievances about immigration -- blah blah blah "chain migration" blah blah blah "visa lottery" blah blah blah "get rid of judges" (!!!) -- and then he explained why he recently cut off aid to several of the Mexicos (Central American countries) and bitched about the newly formed caravans, which have made record time traveling from Central America and into the president's bigot hallucinations.

They arrange these caravans. And they don't put their best people in those caravans. And they put people you don't want to have in the United States. We're not going to have them in the United States.

"They arrange" the caravans. And "they" don't put their best people. And the president seems to somehow connect this to the aid money, as if in exchange for all that aid, "they" should be arranging caravans with "their best people."

We know the president's brain doesn't function TOO BIGLY -- as evidence, see the rest of this post -- but we're amused by what Trump must think about how these caravans come together. As if there's two lines, one for the "best people" and one for "they don't put their best people," and only the second line is allowed by the government to go on the caravan.

Oh yeah, he also said dumb stuff about healthcare, but we have a whole post about his healthcare lies this morning.

In conclusion, the president is a fucking batshit idiot again, and we really do wish White House journalists would grow some oranges and ask him some real questions, like "What is your name?" and "How many fingers?" because we need to establish a baseline for what's really going on inside that stable genius brain of his.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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