Trump Knows What Forests Need, And It Is Yardwork

Can you believe we haven't discussed #RakeGate yet? It seems like it was many moons ago, but we guess it was just this past weekend, as Donald Trump went to visit the California town of PleasureIntimacyBoneZoneFleshlightNipplePlayButtfuck Canyon PARADISE, which has been just about wiped off the map by wildfires. (No really, he called it "Pleasure." Because he doesn't give a fuck what it's called, first of all, and because he's an absolute moron.)

We joked last week -- either to ourselves or during one of our chats with Jesus -- that Trump was probably going to fly out to California to throw paper towels at the forest fires, because it worked so well when he threw them at hurricane victims in Puerto Rico. Of course, that would have been bad, because of how paper towels are made out of, ahem, paper, which has a tendency to burn. He didn't do that, but he did have a solution for forest fires, and it is just some good old-fashioned yardwork:

President Trump Remarks on Northern California Wildfire

"You've got to take care of the floors. You know the floors of the forests, it's very important," Trump told reporters as he posed with California officials in the charred ruins of Paradise — his first stop on the tour.

Trump went on to explain that the president of Finland, whom he met on an overseas trip a week earlier, told him about raking the forest floors. "He called it a forest nation," Trump said, "and they spent a lot of time on raking and cleaning and doing things, and they don't have any problem."

It wasn't the first time he said this, of course. Captain Dipshit has got raking ON THE BRAIN. He said it to Fox News's Chris Wallace in the Oval Office, when they met for their wackjob interview.

"I was watching the firemen the other day, and they were raking areas. They were raking areas! They're raking trees, little trees like this — nut trees, little bushes, that you could see are totally dry. Weeds! And they're raking them. They're on fire."


We are almost tempted to say we shouldn't ruin Donald Trump's joy and let him just keep thinking only rakes can prevent forest fires. But nah, let's be really mean to him, like we always are.

If you click over to Fox News to watch the video, you'll see our favorite thing, when Wallace asks Trump if just maybe climate change might be contributing to the forest fires, and Trump just blows right past it to talk about raking. We all know Trump is a climate-change-denying idiot, but it's something in the tone of his voice, a certain eagerness to get to what he really wants to talk about, blah blah blah "climate change" HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF "RAKES"?

But look, you assholes, STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM, because apparently Trump supporters are emailing the Washington Post to tell them that Trump is not stupid, YOU ARE STUPID, because obviously Trump was talking in very technical terms about special rakes you don't even understand because that's how dumb you are. (Survey says LOL fuck off, that fuckhead was talking about regular old rakes.)

But look, you assholes, FOR REAL STOP MAKING FUN OF HIM, because he wouldn't have said that if Sauli Niniisto, the president of Finland, hadn't told him that the reason they don't have forest fires in Finland is because they just can't stop raking leaves. (NARRATOR: The Finnish president did not tell him that.)

The Finnish, they are LOLing at the stupid dumbass goddamn clownfucker president of the United States. We love the Finnish right now:

And that is the story of how if Lapdance, California, just did some more yardwork, none of this would have happened, according to the barely elected president of the United States of America.

If you would like to donate to the victims of these awful fires, NBC News has a list of the best places to throw your money. Click it.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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