Another day, another fuckbonkers Trump presser. Wednesday, as the pilot revved the chopper trying to drown him out and Kellyanne Conway hurled her phone at an aide, Donald Trump lifted his leg and took a giant leak on another news cycle. They'd finally gotten the press to take the bait on Hillary Clinton is the Real Russia, only to step all over it with another round of Wait, Trump Said What?

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Well I think the press makes me more uncivil than I am! You know, people don’t understand, I went to an Ivy League college, I was a very nice student, I did very well, I’m a very intelligent person.

Yes, that's your predisent on the White House lawn bragging about graduating from college in 1968. Which is har-har-hilarious, but here in 2017 we're just wondering, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN NIGER, MR. PRESIDENT? Did you authorize this mission?

No, I didn't. Not specifically. But I have generals that are great generals. These are great fighters. These are warriors and I gave them authority to do what's right so that we win. That's the authority they have. I want to win and we're going to win.

You authorized them to do what's right. You can't be held responsible if they do it wrong! So when shit goes sideways, we shouldn't look to you. Got it.

Now, what happens is, you decimate them and that's all we've done. We have decimated ISIS in the Middle East. They go to Africa, they go to places. When they get there, we meet them there. That's what goes on. It's a tough business. It's a tough war, but we are winning it.

So your position is that you were doing so much #WINNING in the Middle East that you forced Arab fighters to flee into Africa? And that's who ambushed our soldiers on the Niger-Mali border on October 4? Not native adherents of Islamic State in the Greater Sahara?

With that being said, my generals and my military, they have decision-making ability. As far as the incident that we're talking about, I've been seeing it just like you've been seeing it. I've been getting reports. They have to meet the enemy and they meet them tough, and that's what happens.

Right. You just read about it in the papers like we do. Or you watch Fox, like we certainly don't. But we read in the failing Washington Post that Sergeant La David Johnson's unit was ambushed, and he was left behind. They didn't recover his body for two days, and the military officials told his wife not to open the casket. You must have a lot of questions for your generals and your military. After you told Mrs. Johnson that her husband "knew what he was signing up for," did you tell her you'd honor his memory by finding out exactly what happened?

I can only say this: I was really nice to her. I respect her. I respect her family. I certainly respect La David, who -- I, by the way, called La David right from the beginning. Just so you understand, they put a chart in front -- "La David." It says, La David Johnson.

How big was the chart? THIS BIG!

Yes, we believe you that your handlers stuck a piece of paper in front of you with La David Johnson written in 50-pt font. But we can't help but wonder if you'd have referred to a paler-skinned soldier by his first name. When you called to express condolences for the other three lost in Niger, did you refer to them as Dustin, Bryan and Jeremiah? We tend to doubt it.

So I called right from the beginning. There's no hesitation. One of the great memories of all time. There was no hesitation.

WTF? Are you bragging about your memory to prove that you remember this better than Sergeant Johnson's widow? Last month you apologized that your wife couldn't be there when she was standing right next to you!

And now you're pointing at your brain? OH, WELL IN THAT CASE!

Anything else to add?

I would say, basically, we talked condolence. I mean, it's all about condolence, it's about warmth. In many cases you listen, because in so many cases -- one of the families, they were saying, yes, he was a great football star.

And honestly, they pour their heart out, John. It's the hardest calls. They pour their heart out. But I am always -- and look, you people have called many people that I've spoken to, and every one of them has said I couldn’t have been nicer. Now, it's a rough time for these people. I mean, how tough is it? There's nothing tougher. But I have such respect for those families. Nobody has more respect than I do -- nobody.

You hear that, haters? Nobody has more respect than Donald Trump. NOBODY.

[White House Transcript / WaPo]

Please chip in so we can buy another pair of earplugs -- our brains are leaking out our earholes after watching that stupid press conference!

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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