Y'all hear the one about how Donald Trump, the president of the United States, did one of his long-ass propaganda lie press conferences on Thursday, and his ruminations about ingesting bleach were received so poorly that it was announced that those pressers were CANCELED FOREVER because YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH BLEACH?

Well. We surmised, considering what happens to Trump when he is out of the spotlight for more than six seconds (it kills him, literally kills him), that the pressers would be back on before we know it, and as usual, we were not wrong.

Yeah, we bet that's going to be some information America absolutely has to hear. As always, fuck off, Kayleigh.

As CNN notes in a headline today, this briefing was first announced, and then canceled, and then re-announced and rescheduled.

You weren't going to watch that shit anyway, and there's more reporting out there that the pressers will become even less valuable, because they're planning on moving the yucky stinky science-y people, Drs. Anthony Fauci and Deborah Birx, off to the sidelines, so they can replace the message with ECONOMY ECONOMY ECONOMY. Is your Nana dying of coronavirus right now? PSHAW, who is your Nana anyway, the Deep State? We may be up to 55,000 coronavirus deaths and counting in America, and last week, over 2,000 Americans died per day, on average, which is ... like, TWO-THIRDS OF A 9/11 EVERY FUCKING DAY. And those numbers are likely to continue growing bigly yoogely, thanks to Trump's leadership. But in the president's brain, the death and dying and American carnage are over and done with.

Axios with the scooplet:

The White House plans to shift its coronavirus messaging toward boosting the economy and highlighting "success stories" of businesses, reducing its public emphasis on health statistics, according to two officials familiar with the planning.

Driving the news: The Coronavirus Task Force — and the doctors who've become household names, Deborah Birx and Anthony Fauci — "will continue but take a back seat to the forward-looking, 'what's next' message," a White House official told Axios. [...]

Trump will host businesses who've been harmed by the coronavirus, and he'll highlight the governors who are reopening their economies in line with the Trump administration's guidelines.

Axios says that does NOT include Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, who is now considered an official Baddy McDumbStupid, for taking Trump's advice to LIBERATE! all the states literally in the stupidest way possible.

So anyway, this sounds fine. White House coronavirus press briefings: Now with even fewer science facts, but more made-up bullshit lies from Trump about the economy! He met with retail execs today, so maybe he can have the My Pillow guy come back too, because if there's one thing we know for sure, it is that My Pillow cures the coronavirus, especially when you put it out in the sun and douse it in bleach.*

CNN has more on why the White House is doing this, and surprise, it's because the Trump White House wants to bury its chickenshit head in the sand and ignore reality:

Some White House aides [...] view an eventual phasing-out of the briefings as a sign from Washington to the country that life is slowing returning to normal. They see the briefings as a set-piece of the crisis era, which Trump is desperate to see end.

Know what might tell Americans that life is not returning to normal? When the deaths hit 60,000 or 100,000 or 500,000 or whatever tremendous number Trump is able to achieve for America.

Of course, the AP is reporting that Trump Coronavirus Briefings 2.0 might not even include Trump — BECAUSE HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT YOUR ATTENTION, REMEMBER?

Sad, we hope the My Pillow guy doesn't have to do the briefings by himself.

Of course, if they're shunting Birx and Fauci off to the side when the TV cameras are on, you can be pretty sure they're shunting them away behind the scenes too, just in case you were worried Trump's bunglefucking of the federal response to the novel coronavirus couldn't reach new lows. There is always a new low with Trump. Right on cue, CNN is reporting that the White House is thinking maybe the coronavirus task force itself should meet less often. They didn't meet Sunday, they weren't supposed to meet today, and hey, Trump wasn't going to the meetings anyway, and it's not like there are OVER 2,000 AMERICANS DYING PER FUCKING DAY OR ANYTHING.

Oh wait, there are.

Meanwhile, there are reports that Trump may be considering giving Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar the old heave-ho, which is awesome, because what America needs in the middle of a pandemic is some placeholder idiot asshole (acting) HHS secretary who has to ask their assistant where the bathroom in HHS headquarters is. (Not that Azar has been great or anything. But still.)

Anyway, we guess we will just have to see what today's briefing ends up being like, not that we're going to watch it live or anything. We are sure somebody will do a tweet about whatever dumbfucking whinyass lie thing Trump says, and then we can all mock him mercilessly tomorrow.


*Is not science fact, do not pour bleach on My Pillow and sunbathe on it to cure coronavirus.

[Axios / CNN]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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