The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

Before Donald Trump kicked off TGIF Executive Time with a good Twitter rant about the unkind "sentencing" of poor Paul Manafort, there was this morning, when Trump met reporters on the north lawn of the White House and spoke into existence some of the most breathtaking and vile lies we have ever heard. And that is sayin' something, considering how we are talking about a delusional pathological liar who wouldn't know the truth if it grabbed him by the pussy and took him furniture shopping.

But before we get to the lies, we must flag this, for it is a rare example of the man telling the truth about the tinpot dictator he'd like to be. Trump is talking about Kim Jong-un, and how gay he is for Kim Jong-un now:

He's the head of a country, and I mean, he's a strong head. Don't let anyone think anything different. He speaks and his people sit up at attention. I want my people to do the same!

Go fuck yourself with a remaindered copy of The Art Of The Deal.

After that, Steve Doocy, ever the good and faithful Fox News servant, pointed out that before Trump and Kim met, Kim had "cleaned house" of some of his top people, and Trump excitedly alluded to the possibility that maybe Kim did even more than just fire them! (You know, because Kim kills his people, and also his family, not that Trump would want to do anything like that to his son, Junior With The Messed Up Face!) Oh, the president of the United States sounds so jealous!

OK, that was a a rare and good example of Trump telling the truth. We'll tell you another one at the end of this post, but now is the time for LIES!

Here is Trump saying the Department of Justice's IG report on the Hillary Clinton investigation totally exonerated Hillary Clinton himself, noting as he so seldom does that there was "NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION" and so forth:

That scores a Factcheck "Go Fuck Yourself" on the Wonkette truth-o-meter, and you know why? BECAUSE THE IG REPORT WASN'T FUCKING REMOTELY ABOUT THAT. We know, because we read the goddamned thing.

Here is Trump making up some utter bullshit about Vladimir Putin's illegal invasion of Crimea, which Trump thinks was just fine becauseeverybody in Crimea speaks Russian, therefore they must be Russian. (Nobody tell him about the southern part of Texas, OK?) Trump also probably thinks Putin's invasion was OK because Putin has something on him and Trump's allegiance therefore is not to America (ALLEGEDLY WE GUESS).

Watch the president make up a whole new lie, right there on the fly:

President Obama lost Crimea. [...] It's his fault. [...] President Putin didn't respect our country and didn't respect Ukraine. But President Obama, not Trump ... [BLAH BLAH SOMETHING ABOUT RED LINES]

This is, of course, bullshit. For an explanation of what bullshit it is, please refer to remarks delivered by Defense Secretary James Mattis, mere minutes after Trump made up the lie.

Yay, the president is really on a roll with lies, isn't he?

Here he is lying about his administration's policy of ripping babies out of their crying mothers' arms. He says he "hates" it (lie) and that the "Democrats have to change their law" (lie lie lie lie lie) and that it's "their law" (lie lie lie lie LIE LIE LIE LIE FUCKING LIE, BECAUSE IT'S NOT EVEN A FUCKING LAW, IT IS TRUMP ADMINISTRATION POLICY):

What a thoroughly evil piece of shit he is.

Here is the president repeating the lie he's been telling all week, about how hundreds of thousands of 115-year-old mommies and daddies who lost sons in the Korean War are just constantly begging him to bring home their remains. We don't know why, but we find this lie kind of charming, in that "Holy Shit, The Leader Of The Free World Really Is As Fucking Stupid As He Looks" kind of way:

Here is Trump lying and saying Paul Manafort only worked for his campaign for "49 days" (it was 144 days) and that Manafort had basically nothing to do with his campaign, and after a minute of saying word salad about that, Trump lies and says disgraced literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn maybe DIDN'T lie to the FBI, and besides, it doesn't matter because "Who's lied more than Comey"?

Reminder: Michael Flynn PLEADED GUILTY to lying to the FBI. Trump seemed to know this back in December, but maybe he was just being a huge LIARRFUCKINGLIAR:

Whew! This post has featured a whole lotta Trump lies!

As promised, we will now close out this post with the president accidentally telling the truth, a truth about how he always tells lies, and admitting that he dictated his misshapen son Junior's lie statement about his Russian treason meeting, and that it doesn't matter because it was just a statement to the "phony New York Times," which always writes phony stories, except for they wrote a nice story yesterday:

Hey Robert Mueller, you listening? Haha, of course you are.

OK, this has been a fun post, and also just a really fun week, so GOODBYE NOW!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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