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Trump Fox Town Hall Like Any Of His Usual Garbage Hitler Rallies, But Acoustic

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Donald Trump took time from his hectic schedule watching Fox News to attend a Fox News town hall Thursday. The setting was more intimate than his usual boisterous hate rallies. Consider it "Donald Trump Unplugged." It wasn't all cheering for his greatest hits, however. Pointed questions were asked about the coronavirus crisis, and the president's answers were both gross and inaccurate.

TRUMP: It's gonna all work out. Everyone has to be calm.

He also believes we can make lemonade from global pandemic lemons. I'd not advise drinking this lemonade.

TRUMP: I have to say, people are now staying in the United States, spending their money in the US, and I like that. You know, I have been after that for a long time. You know that. I have been saying, "Let's stay in the US, spend your money here" and they are doing that. They're sort of enforced doing that.


The International Air Transport Association estimates the financial impact on the airline industry as a result of coronavirus at losses between $63 billion (at best) and $113 billion. Airline share prices have dropped 25 percent. It's also not just that people aren't flying to far off countries and licking the faces of Ebola-infected monkeys. They aren't flying domestically, either. Southwest Airlines CEO Gary Kelly said Thursday that there's a "9/11 feel." Trump understands so little about global markets and the economy in general, it's a miracle his businesses only went bankrupt six times.

Trump also continued to give himself "tremendous marks" for handling the outbreak. He's very proud that he restricted travel to China, which misses the point that the virus is already in the US and spreading. Trump boasted that there are "only 149 cases," but that number is impossible to confirm with any accuracy because testing is so inadequate. if you could imagine, just for a moment, that Trump is a dishonest man, the crap testing has the benefit of making it seem like everything's under control.

A public health crisis naturally makes people worry more about their own health care, and Trump unveiled the GOP's 2020 Health Care Spectacular, which is the same broken-down 1971 Plymouth Scamp he tried to sell us his first terrible year in office. We all said no, but Trump promises that if his cronies regain control of the House, they'll have something truly "fantastic" for us.

TRUMP: But if we can get the House, you will have the best health care, health insurance, anywhere on the planet. But we have to get the house back. Now, that means we do hold the Senate, we have to get the House, we have to obviously keep the White House.

Republicans controlled both chambers of Congress for the first two years of Trump's presidency. I'm not going to transcribe the verbal vomit Trump puked up while discussing health care. (Aaron Rupar at Vox fell on that grenade.) Suffice to say Trump clearly has no idea what he's talking about and seems to think that the Affordable Care Act isn't a federal law but an actual form of health care — like you go to the supermarket and all you can purchase is Farmer Obama's Kenyan Blend Health Care. He bragged about scrapping the individual mandate while still contending that whatever crappy plan the GOP offers would protect people with pre-existing conditions. These are all just lies.

Trump was asked if he could "unite" the country, maybe tone down the "divisive" rhetoric, and his response was, like always, "Have you fucking met me?"

TRUMP: The way we unite is really through success, but when they hit us, we have to hit back. There's two ways of doing it: Turning a cheek, but I wouldn't be sitting up here if I turned my cheek.

It's hilarious to see Trump admitting he ran on a "no cheek turning" platform, because he dominated among religious voters in 2016. He performed better than both Mitt Romney and John McCain among Protestants. White Catholics voted for Trump in larger numbers than Romney, McCain, and George W. Bush. Eighty-one percent of white, born-again, evangelical Christians supported Trump, and he is the worst person alive who doesn't drink human blood. Trump continued to get all Old Testament on us.

TRUMP: You can't turn your cheek! I mean, we get hit ...

The audience's roaring applause prevented him from finishing his thought. I assume it was just more fake martyrdom. Democrats and liberals really don't hit Trump and Republicans all that hard. Just obey the law most of the time and not lock up children. We don't ask much.

Trump demonstrated how little he planned to unite the nation with some cheap shots at Joe Biden's brain, which he believes wasn't born in this country.

TRUMP: I'm all set for Bernie, communist. And then we have this crazy thing that happened on Tuesday, which [Biden] thought was Thursday. But he also said 150 million people were killed with guns, and that he was running for the US Senate -- there's something going on there.

"There's something going on there" is what Trump says whenever he slanders a political rival without any evidence. I'm sure Trump's bummed that he might not run against a socialist strawman, but now he and friends in state media can work on depicting Biden as a mental husk of his former self. "No Malarkey" vs. "No Cheek Turning." That's a hell of a general election.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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