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Ho ho ho, everyone! Merry Trumpmas! While we have been away snuggled up in our footie pajamas, drinking eggnog, and having fun with friends and family, guess what Dear Leader has been up to? If you guessed "moping and making kids sad," give yourself another adult eggnog as a treat, because you have the best thoughts. For his Christmas miracle this year, besides shutting down the government, our great and wonderful president decided he couldn't possibly fuck up at taking a few NORAD calls from kids. Since he's a special type of idiot, he decided it was time to get serious with 7-year-old children about "marginal beliefs" in Santa Claus.


Who besides Trump can answer phone calls ABOUT SANTA and not be able to fucking play along with a few kids for a half an hour or so? Looks like the War on Christmas is coming from INSIDE THE GOP!!! Someone alert Fox News!! (Just kidding, Fox thought it was just swell.)

Watch this idiot try to "keep it real" with a sweet child on Baby Jesus's birthday:

Mike Huckabee apparently woke up from a 30-year sabbatical from pop culture in order to reference a movie no one under 40 remembers very clearly. Huckabee seems to have the job of saying really weird shit to distract normal people from how weird Trump is, and shielding Trump from being laughed at. While unnecessarily defending Trump from legitimate accusations that he is indeed an idiot, Huckabee chimed in to let the press know that they are being hysterical. He opens by creepily pointing out that Trump didn't boil the child's pet bunny rabbit in a pot, and closes with asking why are we even criticizing Trump anyway? STOP HATING ON TRUMP!!!!!!!!! I hope he gets paid lots of money for this ... whatever it is he's doing.

Transcript from Mediaite:

"What is wrong with people? It wasn't like he was boiling the little girl's bunny rabbit in a pot on the stove. He asked a simple question. You can never find a way that President Trump will make some of the people in the press happy. It doesn't matter what he does. If he didn't make the call, if he didn't talk to the little girl, they would say he was curled up in a fetal position in the White House and was unwilling to come out and talk to anybody. The man can't catch a break."

Awwwwwwwww! Maybe if Trump wanted breaks or for people to cut him some slack, he should have tried being a decent fucking person at some point in his life. He could have been KIND and avoided treating everybody like filth. He's reaping what he has sown! As a religious man, Huckabee, you should know, "He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully" applies to all aspects of life. He decided to plant shit seeds and now he has a bumper shit crop to harvest.

From Reuters:

The child, Collman Lloyd, from Lexington, South Carolina, told the Post and Courier newspaper she was still a believer. She and her two siblings left iced sugar cookies and milk out for Saint Nick overnight and, in the morning, the treats were gone and presents were under the tree.

Luckily for the cute little seven-year-olds who witnessed President Grandpa shoo Santa off his lawn on Christmas Eve, "marginal" isn't one of the vocabulary words they had to learn this year. My 9-year-old child informs me that second graders have it easy, don't do cursive, and won't be learning what marginal means until AT LEAST third grade. Collman Lloyd had no clue what that old man on the phone was EVEN talking about; she still believes in Santa; the cookies were gone in the morning, the gifts were there, and as far as she's concerned, Santa will be back next year. As far as we are concerned, she is right.

[Mediaite/PostandCourier]

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Wonderbitch

FollowWonderbitch aka Bravenak aka Bianca DeLaRosa, loves her jobs as Social Media Manager for Wonkette more than Sarah Huckabee Sanders loves lying to America. Bianca also moonlights as a Witch (THE BAD KIND!!) and is a Freelance Goddess of All Things Ever. Be very nice her because she likes to curse people, especially mean people. You can find Bianca on Twitter @bravewriting or email her at bianca@wonkette.com

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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