Trump & Melanie Are Home Alone Together For Christmas
Donald Trump shut down the government. He screwed over almost a million federal employees. He even took the last can of Who hash. But he doesn't want Americans getting the wrong idea. He's not some over-the-top villain from a Christmas movie. He's suffering through all this with us.
Trump tweeted Saturday that he wasn't spending Christmas in Florida because of the shutdown. He was going to #MAGA from behind his laughably empty desk in the Oval Office. If his supporters were worried that he wouldn't get his $5 billion for a stupid WALL, they can rest easy around their Charlie Brown Christmas trees because Trump is ready to sign blank papers with no legal force behind them.
Trump makes staying in the White House and the lovely city of DC (no, really, I quite like it) seem like a punishment. It's also an unnecessary one. It's just a two-and-half hour flight from Trump's tacky resort Mar-A-Lago. Thanks to 2018 technology, he could manage this self-inflicted crisis from the comfort of his fake home. Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer can tell Trump to go screw himself just as easily through text or instant message.
He has kept himself somewhat busy. He pushed out General James Mattis two months early after someone got around to reading the defense secretary's resignation letter to him. Hey, some people don't feel like it's truly Christmas until they see their favorite version of A Christmas Carol. Trump needs to method act his way through the first third of the story.
Meanwhile, as Trump holes himself up in his bunker and tweets angrily at the world just like the baby Jesus, the First Runner-up Lady Melania Trump also had to upend her holiday schedule and abandon sunny Florida for DC. I guess she couldn't leave her husband home alone. This was obviously the last thing she wanted. You don't do what she did to the inside of the White House if you actually planned to spend Christmas there with people you love and your husband. That was strictly a hit-and-run job. Now she has to wake up on Christmas morning and try not to scream.
The New York Post reported that Melanie's "cherished traditions" normally involve Christmas Eve Mass at Palm Beach's Episcopal Church of Bethesda-by-the-Sea. It's where she married Trump in 2005 and annually places flowers on the grave of her humanity. Then she throws a "sumptuous" dinner with turkey and high-end meats such as filet mignon, sea bass, dover scallops, and unicorn. I presume homeless people are trotted out and pressed against the farthest window to watch them eat.
Come Christmas morning, Trump will probably tweet something deranged about saving Christmas single-handed and personally delivering the Christ child after a temporary displacement in time. Then he'll huddle with Melania under one of her bleeding nightmare trees and not exchange gifts. They don't always give each other Christmas presents because they're either secretly Jehovah's Witnesses or most likely just loathe each other.
Melania has reportedly complained to people close to her that Trump is "next to impossible to buy for." Trump is a man with very simple tastes, by which we mean "none." He enjoys cardboard pizza and leather steak with sugar sauce and probably criticizing everything you try to buy him.
I guess the theory is that the Trumps spending a cold, impersonal farce of a Christmas together will make the president look less like a pathetic, twisted shell of a man. Good luck. May they be happy in the lives they have chosen.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.