Trump #Me-Toos Defenseless American Flag At CPAC
Donald Trump delivered his usual rotten word salad at the Mitt Romney-free Conservative Political Action Conference Saturday, and his adoring audience ate it all up. Trump obligingly listed all his administration's so-called successes — right-wing hack judges, TAX CUTS, the killing of terrorists, and more TAX CUTS. He was very proud. But he was happier to just trash his political opponents. He rattled off the names of Democratic candidates like he was reciting the cast list of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:
TRUMP: We got Sleepy Joe. We got Crazy Bernie. We got Mini Mike, but I think he's out of it. I would like to spend $700 million and end up with nothing.
Trump would certainly like to have had $700 million at any point in his life. But all those times he spent hundreds of millions of dollars and ended up with nothing, it was other people's money. He went on for a bit about Bloomberg's less than stellar performance at the two most recent Democratic debates.
TRUMP: That was probably the worst debate performance in the history of presidential debates.
He is obviously excluding his own.
TRUMP: It just shows you, you can't buy an election. You got to bring the goods a little bit, too.
LOL. Yeah, when Trump's right, he's right. You can't just buy an election. Trump can confirm that you sometimes need foreign interference, either willingly from Russia or with a little gentle coaxing from Ukraine.
The childish bully in chief lowered himself underneath his microphone to remind people that Bloomberg is short.
Beneath all that good-natured ribbing, though, Trump is reportedly very concerned that Bloomberg's money could pose a threat in a general election. It's why he gave a shout out to Warren for demolishing Bloomberg, and he referred to her by one of his favorite racial slurs.
TRUMP: Boy, did Pocahontas destroy him.
The audience cheered this.
TRUMP: And look what I did to her! She choked. She went out and got a test because I was killing her with the “Pocahontas." Remember I said I have more Indian blood than she does and I have none. Love to have some but I have none. She was feeling heat with that name “Pocahontas." That was one of the good ones.
The audience cheered some more, delighted that Trump's bigotry had apparently “provoked" Warren to make a political error. The offense caused to Native Americans in the crossfire was of zero concern to them.
Trump went after Beto O'Rourke, who left the race months ago. You never know what you had until it's gone.
TRUMP: How about this character Beto? Remember when he said I was born to run? That was a disaster.
What O'Rourke meant and later clarified was that he was born to serve, which is not a concept Trump would understand. Trump had earlier, and without irony, blasted “fake news" for taking his own words out of context, specifically when he “jokingly" asked Russia to look for Hillary Clinton's “missing" emails. He was appalled that the media cut out the part where everyone is heartily laughing because he was obviously joking. Criminal acts don't suddenly stop being criminal because people nearby are yukking it up (which nobody was; it was at a press conference). That would mean no one commits a crime in Goodfellas.
Trump did get back to his new arch-nemesis, Joe Biden. The former vice president is a whole four years older than Trump, and because the president has the emotional maturity of an eight year old, the age difference makes Biden ancient in comparison. He made a lot of jokes about how Biden is a senile vegetable who can't remember what state he's in half the time. He's just not as sharp as the sleepless wonder president.
TRUMP: Joe is not going to be running the government. He's just going to be sitting in a home some place. And people are going to be running it for him. And they will be radical left socialists!
This is how the GOP and Trump will probably run against Biden. They'll claim that a President Biden will be staring out a window eating mashed bananas, while Vice President Kamala Harris or Stacey Abrams or whichever black woman is scarier actually run the show. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be chief of staff in the shadow government. Ilhan Omar would run the Defense Department.
Biden, fresh off the best night of his political career, laughed off Trump's absurdity during an interview with Chris Wallace.
BIDEN: Is that the stable genius saying that? Oh, give me a break, God love him.
Trump wrapped up his speech, and before leaving the stage he dry humped a defenseless flag. If she were watching, Melania Trump more likely felt pity than jealousy.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).