Another Day, Another Batshit Rally With President Fuck-Bonkers
Donald Trump went to [FILL IN THE BLANK] Thursday night for a campaign rally for [PERSON WHOSE NAME WE ALREADY FORGOT BECAUSE ALL TRUMP DOES IS TALK ABOUT HIMSELF]. While there, he said [ANY ASSORTMENT OF DEMENTIA WHITE SUPREMACIST WORDS] and now all the Very Serious Journalists are like [OMG].
So, this time it was Montana.
Trump made the most news when he said he would challenge Elizabeth Warren to take a DNA test to prove she is the real Pocahontas, and that he would give a million dollars to her favorite charity if she is. This is funny because LOL that check would never get mailed. Also it's racist, but that's what happens when the president is a white nationalist.
But then he said the weirdest thing about administering the test to Warren:
We're in the "Me Too" generation, so we have to be very gentle!
And then he did this weird motion with hands, like he was administering it. Maybe in his mind you really have to grab those genes by the pussy. Or as Chrissy Teigen put it:
Trump went after journalists again, because he's totally gotten over his crocodile tears over the journalists murdered in Annapolis one week before, and can get right back to telling his stories about how the fake news are terrible people, and when they say they have 15 anonymous sources, it is because they made them up. We'd transcribe it, but it's the same lie he always tells. We could point out that it sure is funny for the president to declare anonymous sources fake, considering how for most of his life, HE'S BEEN ONE. (You know, like when he planted stories about himself in the news, posing as Trump spokesman "John Barron." We're also fairly certain he acts as an anonymous source for White House reporters, but you'd have to trick Maggie Haberman into spilling the beans on that one.)
Trump had many LOLs about George H.W. Bush, whose wife just died, and Bush's famous "thousand points of light" speech. "What the hell was that," asked Trump, because he is a moron. It is about volunteering and organizations that give back to their communities, things Trump might know about if he hadn't lived every single one of his sad years on earth with his head firmly planted up his rancid selfish ass.
(To be fair to Trump, he didn't mention Bush's name, because his brain is past by its sell-by date and he didn't actually remember who said the very confusing thing about thousands of points of light.)
But our favorite part, because we are Russia-obsessed like a common Rachel Maddow, and because those Republican senators just spent their 4th of July eating blueberry and strawberry American flag cakes off a buncha Russian politicians' nipples, and because Trump is fixin' to head to Helsinki for a little alone time with his handler Vladimir Putin, was this:
75% of [journalists] are downright dishonest. ... They're fake! And I might even end up having a good relationship [with Putin] but they're going, "Will President Trump be prepared?" you know, "President Putin is KGB!" and this and that! You know what? Putin's fine, he's fine! We're all people!
PUTIN IS PEOPLE! HE IS FINE! EVERYBODY IS PEOPLE! (Offer may not apply to non-white people who don't have pee tapes of Trump getting his jollies with his willy out in Moscow, ALLEGEDLY. Also, Putin is fucking KGB.)
So there you have it. Highlights from yet another night with Captain Dipshit. We hope this has been as edifying for you to read as it absolutely was not for us to write.
Once Trump was back on Air Force One, he sent this tweet. See if you can decipher it, because we've got nothin':
Wait ... MS-13 is going to ... take our jobs? But do they even know how to make Sarah Palin jokes?
Oh fuck it, it's not supposed to make sense, his brain is broken, and this post is over.
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