Donald Trump went to [FILL IN THE BLANK] Thursday night for a campaign rally for [PERSON WHOSE NAME WE ALREADY FORGOT BECAUSE ALL TRUMP DOES IS TALK ABOUT HIMSELF]. While there, he said [ANY ASSORTMENT OF DEMENTIA WHITE SUPREMACIST WORDS] and now all the Very Serious Journalists are like [OMG].

So, this time it was Montana.

Trump made the most news when he said he would challenge Elizabeth Warren to take a DNA test to prove she is the real Pocahontas, and that he would give a million dollars to her favorite charity if she is. This is funny because LOL that check would never get mailed. Also it's racist, but that's what happens when the president is a white nationalist.

But then he said the weirdest thing about administering the test to Warren:

We're in the "Me Too" generation, so we have to be very gentle!

And then he did this weird motion with hands, like he was administering it. Maybe in his mind you really have to grab those genes by the pussy. Or as Chrissy Teigen put it:


Trump went after journalists again, because he's totally gotten over his crocodile tears over the journalists murdered in Annapolis one week before, and can get right back to telling his stories about how the fake news are terrible people, and when they say they have 15 anonymous sources, it is because they made them up. We'd transcribe it, but it's the same lie he always tells. We could point out that it sure is funny for the president to declare anonymous sources fake, considering how for most of his life, HE'S BEEN ONE. (You know, like when he planted stories about himself in the news, posing as Trump spokesman "John Barron." We're also fairly certain he acts as an anonymous source for White House reporters, but you'd have to trick Maggie Haberman into spilling the beans on that one.)

Trump had many LOLs about George H.W. Bush, whose wife just died, and Bush's famous "thousand points of light" speech. "What the hell was that," asked Trump, because he is a moron. It is about volunteering and organizations that give back to their communities, things Trump might know about if he hadn't lived every single one of his sad years on earth with his head firmly planted up his rancid selfish ass.

(To be fair to Trump, he didn't mention Bush's name, because his brain is past by its sell-by date and he didn't actually remember who said the very confusing thing about thousands of points of light.)

But our favorite part, because we are Russia-obsessed like a common Rachel Maddow, and because those Republican senators just spent their 4th of July eating blueberry and strawberry American flag cakes off a buncha Russian politicians' nipples, and because Trump is fixin' to head to Helsinki for a little alone time with his handler Vladimir Putin, was this:

75% of [journalists] are downright dishonest. ... They're fake! And I might even end up having a good relationship [with Putin] but they're going, "Will President Trump be prepared?" you know, "President Putin is KGB!" and this and that! You know what? Putin's fine, he's fine! We're all people!

PUTIN IS PEOPLE! HE IS FINE! EVERYBODY IS PEOPLE! (Offer may not apply to non-white people who don't have pee tapes of Trump getting his jollies with his willy out in Moscow, ALLEGEDLY. Also, Putin is fucking KGB.)

So there you have it. Highlights from yet another night with Captain Dipshit. We hope this has been as edifying for you to read as it absolutely was not for us to write.

Once Trump was back on Air Force One, he sent this tweet. See if you can decipher it, because we've got nothin':

Wait ... MS-13 is going to ... take our jobs? But do they even know how to make Sarah Palin jokes?

Oh fuck it, it's not supposed to make sense, his brain is broken, and this post is over.

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.

In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"


In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!

Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!


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