Trump: NO UKRAINE CRIMES! NO UKRAINE CRIMES! OK Here Are My Ukraine Crimes.
Time for your late breaking Friday afternoon update on whatever the hell traitor bullshit Donald Trump is currently committing to benefit his re-election campaign and hurt America!
We'll start with the news that just hit, from the Wall Street Journal, which reports that on that July 25 phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy, Trump begged no less than EIGHT TIMES for Ukraine to investigate Biden, and surprise, he said it would be a real good idea if they teamed up with his good and normal and sane pal Rudy Giuliani on the task. Ayup!
"He told him that he should work with [Mr. Giuliani] on Biden, and that people in Washington wanted to know" whether allegations were true or not, one of the people said. Mr. Trump didn't mention a provision of foreign aid to Ukraine on the call, said this person, who didn't believe Mr. Trump offered the Ukrainian president any quid-pro-quo for his cooperation on an investigation.
It doesn't matter if they talked about it on that call. We already know the whistleblower complaint is about a series of actions taken by the president, many of which we laid out here, and not just one isolated phone call.
EIGHT FUCKING TIMES?
So, Donald Trump, what have you to say, now that we are learning of your not-so-secret extortion of the nation of Ukraine, holding military aid bucks and threatening to keep them if the Ukrainian government refuses to investigate your political rivals, ALLEGEDLY? Well, he started running his mouth this morning:
It was PITCH PERFECT! It was a beautiful phone call, where the president of United States pushed the Ukrainian president to investigate Joe Biden EIGHT TIMES, for purposes that have zero to do with national security, but everything to do with his own political fortunes. FLAWLESS VICTORY!
Of course, we note that he referred to the whistleblower, using quotation marks that no actual English speaker would endorse, as "highly partisan." All that means in Trump-speak is "somebody who thinks I did a bad thing." It could have easily been a lifelong Republican who voted for Trump, for all we know. We are 100 percent certain, though, that whoever it is, it is a person who loves America more than the pissbaby unelected "president."
Later on in the Oval Office, sitting next to the leader of the actual democracy known as Australia, Trump continued bitching and confessing crimes. What did you say to the Ukrainian president, Mister CrimeShits? We'll steal the transcript from Talking Points Memo because they don't usually fuck it up:
"It doesn't matter what I discuss, but I will say this. Somebody ought to look into Joe Biden's statement because it was disgraceful where he talked about billions of dollars that he's not giving to a certain country unless a certain prosecutor is taken off the case," he said.
Joe Biden did not ever make that statement. This is something Trump found on a hairball that went rogue from Rudy Giuliani's taint pubes. It is imaginary, like Santa Claus and Donald Trump's net worth.
"So somebody ought to look into that. And you wouldn't because he's a Democrat. And the fake news doesn't look into things like that."
Yeah, so basically Rudy Giuliani said the same thing on TV last night. Whoever put toxic paint in Giuliani's inhaler, they seem to have gotten the president too.
More from Shitmouth McOld:
"It's a disgrace," the President added. "But I had a great conversation with numerous people, I don't even know exactly who you're talking about, but I had a great conversation with numerous people, numerous leaders, and I always look for the conversation that's going to help the United States the most. That's very important."
Those words don't even mean anything, the president has literal actual diarrhea of the mouth, and the White House doctor should probably see if there's anything he can do to fix that, or if the condition is even treatable.
Trump also said in the Oval Office that he doesn't know who the whistleblower is, which would seem to contradict his Twitter statement about them being "highly partisan," until you remember the thing we said in the last graf about how literal actual diarrhea falls out of the president's mouth in toxic wet puddles every time he opens his mouth. He did note that he heard the person is very "partisan," probably the same place he heard about Joe Biden's "statement."
In other news, CHRIST, his orange make-up looks like shit today. Look at that video. If that was your dad, you'd put him in the garage under a tarp so the guests can't see how stupid-looking your dad is.
Have you been wondering what Ukraine thinks about all this? We have been wondering! The Daily Beast has a story with some quotes that were said before we found out the whistleblower complaint specifically involved Trump's attempted extortion of the Ukrainian president. Reporter Anna Nemtsova spoke to Anton Geraschenko, who works for the guy who would run a theoretical investigation of Joe Biden's non-crimes under threat of Trump pulling military aid:
Geraschenko told The Daily Beast in an exclusive interview that "as soon as there is an official request" Ukraine will look into the case, but "currently there is no open investigation."
"Clearly," said Geraschenko, "Trump is now looking for kompromat to discredit his opponent Biden, to take revenge for his friend Paul Manafort, who is serving seven years in prison." [...] "We do not investigate Biden in Ukraine, since we have not received a single official request to do so," said Geraschenko.
We hope we are reading this correctly, because we think we sense Geraschenko's tongue firmly planted in his cheek right there. As soon as Trump grows a pair of nuts and officially asks Ukraine to investigate Biden, they'll get right on that, you bet. Countdown to Trump growing an actual pair of nuts starts never, by the way. And of course, the Ukrainians say they have no evidence Biden did anything wrong, so there's that.
We'd note, however, that Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty reporter Christopher Miller has been emphasizing on Twitter today that Anton Geraschenko is just a guy, and not a big Ukrainian official, so who knows if he knows what he's talking about. However, we'd also note that Wonkette didn't take Geraschenko's words quite as literally as Daily Beast reporters are tweeting them out breathlessly, taking them more as a "sure, you bet, if that happened!" kind of thing.
Regardless of what happens, and sadly, Ukraine is screwed no matter what it does in this situation, which is not unexpected, since the entire history of Ukraine seems to be about getting screwed.
Trump is meeting with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy at the UN next week, so whistle-blowers, START YER ENGINES!
And now you may have an OPEN THREAD.
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