Trump Picks Former Fox Friend Heather Nauert As Next Top UN Ambassador!


Donald Trump has settled on a replacement for Nikki Haley, who recently ran screaming from the flaming dumpster fire that's the current White House. He announced this morning that he plans to nominate State Department spokesperson and former Fox News anchor Heather Nauert to be the next US ambassador to the United Nations. 'Yeah, we don't know why either.

The Washington Post describes Nauert as a "foreign policy novice." That's adorable. I'm also a "novice heart surgeon," meaning if you let me near you with a scalpel, you're probably going to die.

Nauert joined the State Department last year with no government experience after a career as an anchor and correspondent at Fox News. She would replace Nikki Haley, who was twice elected governor of South Carolina but also lacked foreign policy experience.

The media just can't stop rationalizing Trump's wackier moves. Yes, Haley lacked foreign policy experience. Nauert is not even qualified to play a UN ambassador in a Hallmark holiday movie where she discovers the true meaning of Christmas and finds hunky love. Previous folks who have held this position in the past include George H. W. Bush, Jeanne Kirkpatrick, and Madeleine Albright. None of them had Nauert's Q-Rating, though.

I get that Trump himself is a former TV personality with no government experience beyond trying to bribe government officials, probably -- which has worked out wonderfully for everyone -- but you'd think he'd consider more qualified applicants to fill his cabinet positions. If I somehow wound up general manager of the Seattle Seahawks, I'd need to surround myself with folks who knew what they're doing if I'm going to fake my way through this. If I just hire more theatre people, we're going to have a tough season.

Just a couple years ago, Nauert was "fact-checking" GOP debate claims in the format of a 1970s game show: "Now, live from Burbank, is it 'True or False?' with your host Heather Nauert!" Somehow she walked away with a lifetime supply of floor wax and a fancy-pants job in the State Department.

If Trump is just going to hire people he sees on Fox, State Department spokesperson is not the worst fit for someone with Nauert's background. She's blonde, young-resembling, and 5 foot 5. (Trump has a strict "no-shorties" policy.) She even played herself in a couple episodes of "24." She can also get salty at press briefings, once telling a reporter that "I've already forgotten what you said as you've gone on with your thing." She's a reasonable choice for White House press secretary once Sarah Huckabee Sanders's 100-year contract with Satan expires and she returns to the underworld where she can insult the damned.

Unfortunately, UN ambassador is not a communications position where you are literally speaking on behalf of other, more important people. You need to actually know stuff. Nauert caused some jaws to drop recently when she cited D-Day as an example of America's solid relationship with Germany. Yes, that D-Day.

"When you talk about Germany, we have a very strong relationship with the government of Germany," Heather Nauert, the State Department's spokeswoman, said in June. She added: "Tomorrow is the anniversary of the D-Day invasion. We obviously have a very long history with the government of Germany, and we have a strong relationship with the government."

Nauert's friends at "Fox & Friends" think she's perfect for the ambassadorship, but people whose heads are cluttered with pesky brains aren't so sure.

"In terms of what we normally look for at the United Nations, her résumé is very thin," David Gergen, the veteran presidential aide, told CNN's Anderson Cooper on Thursday night. He said the role of U.N. representative was not a "communications job" but rather "a place where we conduct active diplomacy with nations around the world."

Brett Bruen, a former State Department official under Barack Obama, was even less flattering.

"While Nikki Haley didn't bring foreign policy experience, she ran a state... Nauert's performance as acting undersecretary of state was notable for its lack of accomplishments or even attention to the job. It does not present a compelling case, nor engender confidence in the Senate, that she is ready for a such a senior position."

If these were reviews for Nauert's Hallmark holiday movie, Christmas at the UN, I'd probably give it a pass.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins runs from March through May at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo.

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