Oh, GOOD MORNING, Wonketariat! We have MANY THINGS on our radar today, but here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Congressional Trumpists are pissed about all the Trump-Russia investigations going on (there's three), so they're throwing tantrums and bitching to anyone who will listen.

Perhaps Robert Mueller will sit Rep. Dana Rohrabacher down and ask him to 'splainer why he met with that Russian lawyer lady months before she met Little Donnie?

During the 2016 election, Wisconsin and Michigan saw a deluge of pro-Trump Russian propaganda on Facebook in very specific areas. HOW CURIOUS!

Now that they have nothing left to lose, grumpy old men and women in the Republican party are going rogue and openly gutting the Trump Tax, TrumpCare, and other poor-fucking maneuvers.

Republicans aren't really sure how to frame the Trump Taxes. Every time they introduce something those darn dirty Democrats (and the LIBERAL media) point out the poor-fucking parts.

A new poll says that 48 percent of people support the Trump Taxes, and that support is heaviest among the GOP. Water was also found to be wet.

Trump wants to nuke the Iran nuclear deal so he can bumble in and save the day with a plan remarkably similar to Obama's, and it would seem Mattis had something to do with that.

Democrats are PISSED about all the guns killing people, so they're politely asking to have a teach-in about boom sticks instead of another sit-in on the Hill.

House Republicans unveiled a plan to help Puerto Rico AND fund CHIP, except all the money comes from cuts to Medicare and the ACA. Smooth.

REXXON almost quit over the summer, but John Kelly and Jim Mattis begged him to stay. Most important: REXXON bitched about Trump being a "moron."

Princess Ivanka and Little Donnie were almost indicted for fraud, but then then Big Papa Trump's shitheel lawyer made the New York District Attorney an offer he couldn't refuse.

According to the Office of Special Counsel, Nikki Haley may have violated the Hatch Act in June when she retweeted Trump's endorsement of a South Carolina congressional candidate. Bless her heart, y'all.

Mike Pence's chief of staff, Nick Ayers, has been quietly slithering around the Hill trying to fuse Trumpkins and donors together like a human centipede. Gross.

Steve Mnuchin's chief of staff has his airplane problem too! Mnuchin's aide, Nelson Peltz, is being investigated over reports that he flew in a hedge fund manager's fancy plane.

If you're jet lagged and need something to really jolt your ass into gear this morning, take a gander at the L E A K E D talking points on the Las Vegas shooting being peddled by Trump's White House.

Rep. Steve Scalise is dead set on his defense of the Second Amendment after getting shot -- but first we need thoughts and prayers. Good to know he's still an asshole.

Jesse Watters tried to blame the Las Vegas shooting on black people ruining sportsball, and we're facepalming too hard to write a joke for this.

Hannity is full of butthurt about all the LIBERALS politicizing Las Vegas; he's "named names" of late night teevee hosts (and Lady Gaga?) for standing their ground against guns.

Even Karl Rove thinks that Trump is fucking up the response to Puerto Rico. KARL. FUCKING. ROVE. Turd Blossom!

The Red Cross didn't just fuck up its response to Hurricane Harvey in Houston, they barely showed up at all. Red Cross CEO Gail McGovern reportedly blew off a Houston City Councilman when cornered in a parking lot, saying "We won’t even raise hundreds of millions here." Allegedly.

California's hotshot Attorney General Xavier Becerra has filed charges against a chain of jewelry stores, accusing them of scamming and bleeding sailors and Marines, then threatening them with a fake collection agency.

Republican Rep. Tim Murphy thinks baby killing is TERRIBLE -- unless it's your mistress who went and got herself preggers. Can't have babby asking how it was formed, can we?

Justice Kennedy SEEMED open to making gerrymandering illegal, but only time will tell which way he'll swing.

Police have found gruesome videos on the computer of the man accused of murdering freelance Swedish journalist Kim Wall that are similar to how her remains were discovered. This story is very sad, and very disturbing.

During the British Conservative Party conference speech, a comedian gave British PM Theresa May a "You're Fired" slip before telling reporters it was from Boris Johnson. Good show, lad! [PROOF] [BONUS Fail!]

That MASSIVE Yahoo hack way back in 2013 compromised everyone who had a Yahoo account. It might be a good time to change your password.

Did Megyn Kelly tell Tom Brokaw to STFU when he started to criticize the NRA, or has Tom Brokaw become a deaf and doddering old fart with a chemically-induced boner for Boomers? Why not both?

If you're not already aware why people fucking detest Fox's Jesse Watters, read this long profile of Watters that explains how he became Hannity-lite.

We've got some good news and bad news: Good news is we may've found the tomb of Santa Claus in Egypt. The bad news is, well...

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert is confused about why Trump is grading his own performance; James Corden doesn't see how anyone is having a good time in Puerto Rico; Jimmy Kimmel caught Trump acting like a t-shirt cannon with paper towels in Puerto RicoSeth Meyers had a press briefing on Mike Pence's peenerThe Daily Show noticed Jesse Watters trying to blame a mass murder on black people protestingJim Jefferies is calling out all your bullshit talking points on Puerto Rico; and Jordan Klepper broke out the secret NRA playbook on gun running.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Rescued sea otters and their adopted pups!

Help us out with your Ameros! We give you all the newses because we're funded by readers like you.

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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