As the Trump administration prepares to fuck up the response to yet another hurricane, the president is in his Executive Time chamber this morning (no public events on the schedule, so this should be a FUN day) swimming through a tub full of Pop Tarts and last night's Big Macs and he is MAD about everything! He's mad about the Justice Department, he's mad that JP Morgan Chase chief Jamie Dimon might run for president (because Dimon doesn't have the Trump Smarts for that job, but really he's mad because a real businessman might run against him), and he's mad about Puerto Rico.

More specifically he's mad that DEMOCRATS keep trying to act like people DIED THERE, when that is obviously FAKE NEWS. Didn't he throw paper towels right at their faces and say he was doing a tremendous job right after the storm, while explaining to Puerto Ricans that they were total fuckups? Didn't he have a very public feud with the mayor of San Juan, because that lady was rude to him? Hasn't he been patting himself on the dick this very week for what a great job he did back then? What part of this is hard for everybody to understand?

He tweeted yesterday, the day after he called his Heckuva Job, Trumpy in Puerto Rico a flawless "unsung success":

A Plus! A completely inaccessible island! Like so far away that a literally invisible F-35 airplane can't reach it!

He continued this morning:

JUST ADD 'EM TO THE LIST! (Of dead Puerto Ricans, who are actually American citizens.)

Wow, President Lazy Ass, go fuck yourself. Seriously, America is through with you, please collect your tacky-ass belongings and go, because no future president will ever want anything you've touched. You are an open sore on the ass of humanity, and did we mention go fuck yourself?

The Washington Post had to devote actual journalism hours to fact-checking this garbled horseshit, and now we are having to type at you about it, because that's how great America is again in the age of Trump. For one thing, what the fuck money is he talking about raising for Hurricane Maria recovery? Oh right, he just made that up. And WTF is he saying about Democrats creating these numbers to make him look bad? Because the latest study on how many people died in Maria and its aftermath was requested by the Puerto Rican governor. Last we checked, that governor's name is not Maxine Waters Pelosi Rosie O'Donnell Obama.

Of course, just after the storm when Trump visited the island (an impossible feat, considering how it is surrounded by water and therefore inaccessible), we already knew the "official" death count was some horseshit. Hell, by the time Trump was wheels up from San Juan in Air Force One, the official tally had more than doubled, from 16 to 45. And the numbers just kept climbing and climbing after the storm while most of the island remained without power pretty much until five minutes ago. Three months after the storm, the estimated body count was over 1,000 and it kept climbing after that, as residents died from lack of health care, water, food ... and oh yeah, electricity. The current estimate is 2,975, but it's probably more than that. But those people don't count, because they probably didn't even show up that day to get paper towels from Donald Trump's tiny hands. Also, did the president mention that Puerto Ricans were just really lazy about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps? He's mentioned that a time or three.

And the entire time, Donald Fucking Trump was lying about what was happening on that "inaccessible" island.

But sure, "10 out of 10," as the president recently graded himself.

While we don't know if Donald Trump has it in him to fuck up Hurricane Florence worse than he did Hurricane Maria (the Carolinas have a lot of white Trump supporters in them), we do know he's been diverting money from FEMA and the Coast Guard to pay for his fucking baby jails on the border.

Hey wouldn't it be neat if we had a Congress that actually looked into Donald Trump's constant fuckups? Hahahahahahaha, PLEASE VOTE IN NOVEMBER LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. Because 2,975 Puerto Ricans' lives did depend on it, but unfortunately bunches of Americans had their heads up their asses whining about "But her emails!"

Oh well.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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