What Are Trump's Syphilitic Brain Squirrels Scrabbling Around Today? WHAT AREN'T THEY!
It was a wild weekend for the syphilitic squirrels that live in Donald Trump's brain attic. The varmints spent Saturday rattling around retweeting various Infowars bigots and xenophobic loons who are being CENSORED!!!!1!! by Facebook in flagrant violation of the First Amendment, Geneva Convention, and Law of the Sea. But Sunday Trump had important business to attend to. He's got lots of congressional oversight to obstruct, and there's no time to waste!
Have you heard about NO COLLUSION? Robert Mueller and the two hundred angry Democrats gave Donald Trump a clean bill of health. (No, not really.) Having adjudged Trump pure as a virgin birth, Mueller is now obliged to take a vow of silence and never speak of the president again. Just ask Lou Dobbs if you don't believe it.
Guess Poppy saw where Rep. David Cicilline said that House Dems are negotiating for Mueller to testify in the next few weeks. Wonder why Trump's against having Mueller go on teevee and say that for serious he really did intend for Bill Barr to be the ultimate decider on Donald Trump's culpability for obstruction of justice? Oh, we are silly! Obviously it is ILLEGAL for Congress to investigate something after the executive branch has determined there's nothing to see here. That's why Hillary Clinton never had to answer any questions about Benghazi or Whitewater or her foundation, right?
We are old enough to remember when Bill Barr told Congress to piss off and save their annoying questions for Robert Mueller. And if we reach way, way back to Friday, we remember something about it being Bill Barr's decision to "let" Mueller testify to Congress.
Prolly should have mentioned that to Lindsey Graham before Lindsey went and sent Mueller that letter thanking him for the "professional and thorough manner in which you conducted your investigation" and inviting him to "provide testimony regarding any misrepresentation by the Attorney General" if he so wished. DOH!
Not for nothing, but Robert Mueller will soon be a private citizen, free to testify if he so chooses. Hey, you know who else has returned to private practice? Pit bull prosecutor Andrew Weissman. Bet he's got a few things to say, huh? (Hint, hint Uncle Jerry!)
Speaking of the Mueller Report, 9 a.m. was the deadline for Coverup King Bill Barr to comply with Rep. Jerry Nadler's subpoena and hand over the unredacted version and all supporting documents to the House Judiciary Committee. What are the odds Nadler has that contempt of Congress resolution drawn up and ready to drop right away? Pretty good, we're guessing.
We'll have to wait a bit longer to see if former White House Counsel Don McGahn blows off Nadler's subpoena for documents, which comes due tomorrow. Donald Trump has no actual authority over McGahn, and even less sway now that he got pissed and fired McGahn's law firm Jones Day. But McGahn is a good little soldier, so our money is on him stonewalling Congress while Emmet Flood goes through the charade of pretending that he's going to claw back executive privilege over conversations between McGahn and Trump quoted extensively in the Mueller Report -- Trump failed to assert executive privilege at the time of publication, but that was for a boring-ass document that no one was ever really going to read, especially after Bill Barr's helpful Cliff Notes summary. Letting Don McGahn testify about the eleventy-seven times Trump ordered him to fire Mueller, deny it, and then dummy up a memo saying the whole thing never happened is quite another story.
Here, have some word salad.
Exclusive: Trump on Barr's heated hearing, Venezuela crisis www.youtube.com
TRUMP: Well, I've had him testifying already for 30 hours.
CATHERINE HERRIDGE, FOX VERY SERIOUS NEWS LADY: So, is the answer no to --
TRUMP: And it's really -- so I don't think I can let him and then tell everybody else you can, because especially him because he was a counsel. So, they've testified for many hours, all of them, many, many of my people --
HERRIDGE: So, as far as you're concerned, it's really -- it's kind of done, it's done?
TRUMP: I can't say, well, one can and the others can't.
HERRIDGE: OK. So, is it done?
TRUMP: I would say it's done.
TRUMP: We've been through this. [...] Nobody has ever done what I've done. I've given total transparency. It's never happened before like this.
HERRIDGE: So, Congress should be -- Congress should be --
TRUMP: They shouldn't be looking anymore. This is all -- it's done.
Yeah, okay Congress is a "co-equal" branch of government. But it wouldn't be fair for him to say McGahn can testify and Stephen Miller can't? That would be like Donald Trump getting two scoops of ice cream while Mike Pence just gets a couple janky slices of honeydew. Unpossible!
And while we're on the subject of craven whores, today is the deadline for Steven Mnuchin to 'splain to Ways and Means Chair Richard Neal how the law ordering the IRS to hand Trump's tax returns over to the Committee has a secret provision written in invisible ink saying, "unless the president shouts WITCH HUNT, then all bets are off." Yeah, it's theoretically possible that Mnuchin could just hand 'em over. It's theoretically possible Donald Trump could stop tweeting crazy shit and start acting like a real president.
But just now, he's busy tweeting us into a trade war with China.
Hey, you want to see some extremely freaked out bankers frantically telegraphing PULL UP NOW DON'T HIT THE MOUNTAIN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?
Woohoo! Only 40 percent odds that buffoon bluffs us into an all-out trade war! Naturally Donald Trump is taking this all very seriously.
Just kidding, he's still whining like a fucking toddler about how he's TOTALLY EXONERATED and Hillary is the real criminal. Meanwhile ...
This week is going to be AMAZING. Or the opposite. How should we know?
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.