Trump Pulls Out, Fox Left Unsatisfied
Great news, guys! The Bumbler in Chief managed not to pratfall us into another land war in Asia last night. Please clap. At 7 p.m., DC was bracing for an imminent strike on Iran and the FAA closed Iranian airspace over the the Strait of Hormuz and Gulf of Oman to US flights. But then the New York Times reported that Trump had changed his mind, ordering planes already in the air headed to bomb Iranian missile and radar targets to stand down.
Naturally, Donald Trump has a rational explanation for why he launched an attack only to un-launch it moments later, and it is ... BARACK OBAMA IS BAD.
....Death to America. I terminated deal, which was not even ratified by Congress, and imposed strong sanctions. The… https://t.co/NwGNQ61rTV— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1561122196.0
So, he's attacking Iran because Barack Obama entered into an agreement to halt their nuclear production, which they complied with? Did Obama shoot down a US drone that may or may not have been in Iranian territory? Or was it Joe Biden? This is all so confusing!
Oh, wait, he's still typing!
....proportionate to shooting down an unmanned drone. I am in no hurry, our Military is rebuilt, new, and ready to… https://t.co/P6Wp3wybdZ— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1561122198.0
Well, that makes sense. Donald "Counterpuncher" Trump was concerned about a "disproportionate" response. See, he's very worried about the fate of innocent Muslims, and he only figured out 10 minutes before we started a shooting war that people might die. The president is a very busy man! You can't expect him to get briefed on a military action BEFORE we're wheels up, can you?
Iran made a big mistake. This drone was in international waters, clearly. We have it all documented. It's documented scientifically, not just words. And they made a very bad mistake. Okay?
We're still waiting on that scientific, NOT WORDS documentation. The White House hasn't produced it yet -- must be in a pile with those brand new sanctions that no one can actually figure out. But now the Washington Post is quoting the commander of the Revolutionary Guard's aerospace division, who says that the US drone was accompanied by a manned surveillance plane, which the Iranians decided not to shoot down when it breached their airspace. And we'd love to be able to believe our own government over that of a hostile foreign power, but you can't have your Yellowcake and eat it, too.
President Null Set has basically no ideas when it comes to foreign policy, just a low, gangster cunning and an instinct that the rest of the world is a shithole backwater, and everyone is trying to rip everyone else off all the time. Two sides can't both win. He's surrounded by bad advisors. National Security Mustache John Bolton has wanted war with Iran for decades. Mike Pompeo at the State Department is a slobbering sycophant who will happily flog whatever insane policy the president barfs out today, including going before Congress and swearing that the 2001 Authorization for Use of Military Force permits a brand new war, because Shiite Iran and Sunni Al Qaeda are exactly the same thing. And the military knows that Iran is another potential conflict without end, but the Defense Department's leadership is literally MIA.
That leaves Fox News, first among equals, as the likely tie breaker. Which means ... yeah, we're fucked.
Pete Hegseth: "Trump doesn't want a war" and was elected to "pull us out of Middle Eastern wars," but "at some poin… https://t.co/xQR7AWxv1M— Bobby Lewis (@Bobby Lewis) 1561121444.0
The Curvy Couch Consulate is NOT HAPPY that they've been flogging this splendid little war all week only to have the rug pulled out from under them. If Donald Trump was going to spend an hour on the phone getting live-television psychotherapy with Hannity and the Ingraham, the least he could do is tell them that the new script calls for "proportionate response," whatever weak shit that is!
Pete Hegseth believes that "[Trump]'s not afraid to strike" and that "inside the White House today, there has to be… https://t.co/tNDoGDkEdF— Bobby Lewis (@Bobby Lewis) 1561122184.0
That's the first true thing they said all morning. In fact, they would have burned the White House down if Barack Obama had waffled on an attack and pulled back 10 minutes before the shooting started because he finally read the fine print and got worried that we might kill civilians. Although, Maggie Haberman reports that all the blood rushed to Trump's bathing suit bits last night when he grabbed that manly joystick and throttled back those planes at the last second, so maybe this is the new normal?
Just kidding. Pete Hegseth is undoubtedly right that "there will be something to come." God only knows what.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.