Hey, Have You Guys Ever Wondered If Maybe Putin Owns Trump's Ass?
Hear us out on this one, ladies and gentle-ladies! We know Wonkette is prone to WILD SPECULATION about stuff. And indeed, we may have WILDLY SPECULATED on the subject of Trump and Russia in the past! And while we like to hold ourselves to strict reporting standards and keep a healthy skepticism about things (like our hero* Glenn Greenwald taught us!), there are several stories in the news this week that, all taken together, are making us wonder if it's even slightly possible that Vladimir Putin, shirtless Russian king, may in some way or another completely own Donald Trump's ass. WHOA IF TRUE, right?
Let's do the whole We Report, You Decide song and dance:
Weird How Trump's Foreign Policy Goals Are The Same As Putin's!
Axios has a scoop about more shit what fell out the president's mouth at the G-7. Turns out Trump told the gathered leaders that "NATO is just as bad as NAFTA," which must be pretty bad, because Trump hates NAFTA. He's also reportedly told the Swedish prime minister that maybe America should just leave NATO. (It was just a joke, according to the White House! A joke that ... sounds a fuckton like everything else he's ever said about NATO.)
We already knew Trump really thought it should become the G-8 again, because he's SO INTIMIDATED when he's surrounded by democratically elected foreign leaders who have Big Dick Energy for days (Macron and Trudeau, obviously, but mostly Merkel), and he would just feel safer if his daddy Putin was there. Besides, that whole thing about how Russia was expelled for its illegal invasion of Crimea? PFFFFFFT they all speak Russian anyway, according to Trump, so that was fine!
Also, according to another Axios scoop, Trump totally wants to withdraw from the World Trade Organization, which would fuck America and also the rest of the world, but Putin would love it.
And and and! Josh Rogin reports in the Washington Post that Trump literally suggested to Emmanuel Macron that France should just leave the European Union, because what is it even good for. He told Macron that if France did that, they could make a bilateral trade deal with the United States and it would be YOOGE and BIGLY. As Rogin notes, aside from the whole part about how Trump is a dumbshit who doesn't understand how the world works, this is alarming because "This is an instance of the president of the United States offering an incentive to dismantle an organization of America's allies, against stated U.S. government policy." Let that sentence sink in, please! Trump is literally suggesting that America's strongest allies fuck themselves in the ass, which would be good for NOBODY IN THE WESTERN WORLD.
"As long as there is a unified Europe that maintains a liberal international order with basic rules of the road, it is a disaster for a dictator like Putin," former vice president Joe Biden told me. "That's why Putin is doing what he's doing."
Indeed, everything Trump does and says is right up Putin's alley. Putin's entire foreign policy is based around dismantling the Western order, so that he may rebuild his Russian empire without anyone telling him "no."
And Donald Trump seems hellbent on letting Vladimir Putin have whatever he wants. Wonder why!
Speaking Of, Let's Talk About The Upcoming Trump/Putin Summit!
So, if you are anywhere within a 500-mile radius of Washington DC and have been wondering why you've been feeling like you're getting pelted with a category 5 storm of viscous orange jizz, it's probably because Donald Trump is SO FUCKING EXCITED he gets to have a summit with his Real Dad Vlad in Helsinki next month that he's breaking land speed records for blanketing the entire DC metro area with enthusiastic orange sperm.
Here's a smart person with a quote about how fucked this is:
"This is a summit about appeasement and we should be terrified that Trump is going to sell out America and its allies," says Max Bergmann of the Center for American Progress. "Any other President — Republican or Democrat — would use this summit to confront Russia for its on-going attack on our democracy, for its illegal occupation of Crimea and invasion of eastern Ukraine, for its efforts to assassinate people using chemical weapons in the U.K., and for its backing of [Syrian President Bashar al-]Assad." He argues, "We should be confronting Russia and redrawing clear red lines, not trying to cut any deals because the only deal to be had is one where Russia agrees to completely change its behavior. That's not going to happen."
But we already know Crimea is totally Russia, according to Trump! As for the UK assassination attempt, Trump thinks it's pretty hypocritical to call Putin a bad guy for all his constant murdering, because we do some pretty bad stuff too.
As for the election meddling, we're sure he'll talk to Putin about it. Trump aides confirm as much. We're just worried he's going to tell Putin to hack voting machines in swing districts and also to keep on lookin' for those damn deleted 33,000 Hillary emails. Remember this tweet, from fucking yesterday?
It's not like we've been warned REPEATEDLY that Russia is already sticking its dick in our mid-terms or anything. Putin says they didn't do it, and why would he lie? (Because he is a liar.)
And what else will happen at the summit? Will Trump whisper top secret classified intel in Putin's ear? Because he's done that with Russia before! Will he tell Putin to stop worrying about sanctions, because Trump hates those sanctions just as much as Putin does? Sure why not. Will Putin remind him of the multitudes of kompromat he almost certainly has on Trump, to remind Trump why he is required to follow orders? It won't be on the official White House readout, because the White House is a fucking liar, but we're pretty sure that'll happen too.
Washington Post columnist Jennifer Rubin has some other ideas about what might happen at the summit, all of which are entirely plausible. She concludes:
If Trump really were a Russian asset, it's hard to think what else he could do to rupture the Western alliance, diminish U.S. influence, undercut democratic government and human rights, boost Russia's leverage in the Middle East and give Putin a green light to manipulate our elections with impunity.
Guess Wonkette isn't the only one WILDLY SPECULATING HERE. (For the record, we were officially WILDLY SPECULATING on that as far back as BEFORE THE ELECTION.)
Two Other Things About How Maybe Putin Owns Trump's Ass!
Just a couple of headlines to draw your attention to right here:
It was from Putin's FAVORITE oligarch, Oleg Deripaska, according to a new filing from Robert Mueller. Deripaska is the Russian oligarch who was funding Manafort's work in Ukraine, and during the campaign, Manafort was sending emails to his recently indicted Russian spy pal Konstantin Kilimnik, about how he could use his position on Trump's campaign to "get whole" with Deripaska. He offered Deripaska exclusive sexxxy one-on-one P-in-V "briefings" on the Trump campaign!
Remember how Paul Manafort ran the Trump campaign FOR FREE, while he was simultaneously in massive debt? Still not sure what that's all about! Oh well, guess we'll find out how this is related to Putin maybe owning Trump's ass when Manafort's trial starts next month.
Have you all seen this shit? The sheer number of wealthy and well-connected (in Russia, that means "Putin-connected") Russians who FOR SOME REASON got the VIP treatment at the poorly attended Puss-Grab-A-Palooza that was Trump's inauguration is simply stunning, and Robert Mueller is on the trail to find out why. For instance, there was Viktor Vekselberg and his Russian-American cousin Andrew Intrater, whose company, Columbus Nova, funneled a million dollars into Michael Cohen's porn booby slush fund FOR SOME REASON just after the inauguration. Wonder why!
And there were so many more Russians there! Hit up that link for all the details.
In Conclusion And In Summary!
We do not know why, and we do not know how, but we are about 99.9999999% sure President Shitmouth is a wholly owned subsidiary of Vladimir Putin, and if you think the question posed in our headline was anything but a rhetorical NO SHIT, SHERLOCK question, then you are A Idiot who does not understand #jokes.
Point is, America is in grave danger as a nation if we don't win the fuck out of the upcoming mid-terms.
Who's ready to go knock on doors?
*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLOLOL that was a cheap shot at Greenwald, who sucks.
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