Donate

Good morning, Grandpa Good Brain, what are the voices in the wire tapps telling you to tweet today?


"Many people at the higher ends of intelligence."

"His performance."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG LMFAO GIGGLESNORT!

Well, we guess if there were a bunch of MENSA members who wanted to see what it looks like when the president of Russia dresses like a very pretty dominatrix and whips the president of the United States into submission, they were probably very pleased! If those same MENSA members get their jollies from observing an American president who is so stupid he thinks that Putin offering to help with the Mueller investigation is a good idea, then SQUEEEEEEE!

People who love America were appalled, of course, just like we were appalled to see Good Brain's "walk back" of his pathetic "performance" on Tuesday, where he didn't "walk back" shit, insisting that he had only gotten ONE WORD wrong, reasserting that he doesn't really believe our intelligence agencies and crossing out lines in his prepared remarks so he didn't have to say he would bring election hackers to justice. Also, he wrote "NO COLUSION" on the paper, misspelling it like that because he's a very stupid man. (If you wondered why even his prepared remarks were written so poorly, the Washington Post reports that Stephen Miller was heavily involved in the writing process, so thank him.)

Many palace intrigue articles have now been published about what happened on Air Force One on the way back from the president's latest failure, what led to his "walk back," and now how GRRRR MAD the president is that he had to pretend to "walk back" what he said, just like he was GRRRR MAD when he had to "walk back" what he said about how some of the Charlottesville Nazis were just really good people, BY SAYING IT AGAIN.

Gabe Sherman at Vanity Fair always has #JuicyScoops, so let's see what he has to say:

Ooh, SHITSHOW!

Sherman reports that on the airplane ride home from #TreasonTown, Trump was just so confused why people didn't like it when he accepted the rose from Vladimir Putin, but then he got mad, we guess because people who are perpetually confused tend to become uncontrollably angry about that after a while. He probably needed a diaper change too.

Apparently John Bolton wanted Trump to double down on being a traitor, but John Kelly was PISSED AT TRUMP and even called Congress and gave Republican leaders permission to mildly criticize the president. (In case you were wondering where those milquetoast condemnations from Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell came from!)

But the part that really made Trump cry pathetic orange stupid tears was how Fox News wasn't even being nice to him (with the notable exceptions, of course, of Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, who are as stupid, unpatriotic and unfuckable as the president). Moreover, according to WaPo, he was upset because Newt Gingrich gently scolded him! That's right, America, your president is such weak sauce that he poops his panties in sadness when NEWT GINGRICH hurts his feelings. So Trump finally agreed to pretend to "walk back" his remarks, something he wouldn't have had the balls to do were Vladimir Putin standing next to him in the White House, instead of just listening to him through the soccer ball he gave Trump in Helsinki.

And guess what! Newt Gingrich is dumb like Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, and he says it's all better now!

HOORAY!

Let's see what the unemployable (and also unfuckable, according to Politico) White House staff has been going through ever since Trump gave America to Vladimir Putin in public:

WaPo!

Folks a little freaked out today," a Republican operative in frequent touch with the administration wrote in a text message Tuesday. "Almost like Zombies about how bad this was."

Axios!

A former senior White House official, who worked closely with Trump, immediately texted us: "Need a shower."

Axios again!

One of Trump's own former National Security Council officials texted: "Dude. This is a total [effing] disgrace. The President has lost his mind."

MAGA Haberman!

Now, Mr. Trump's aides fear the worst is still to come. If the past is any guide, they said privately, Mr. Trump will spend the coming days digesting the continuing fallout from his encounter with Mr. Putin, and he will look for someone other than himself to blame.

This is all very sad and also funny. Maybe those Trump staffers should get new jobs, oh wait, nobody is hiring Trump White House idiots, not even the Big Lots off the highway. WOMP WOMP!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please help, by making a donation of MONEY.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

$
Donate with CC
Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

If it's Sunday, this must be Nice Things, our weekly escape from the quotidian awfulness. Our featured doggo this week comes via a photo by Wonkette reader "Teecha," and we don't think Teecha mentioned a name for this lovely old rescue dog. If it is a dog at all: I think it may actually be one of Sia's more inventive disguises, like that time she was a little pony.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc