Good morning, Grandpa Good Brain, what are the voices in the wire tapps telling you to tweet today?

"Many people at the higher ends of intelligence."

"His performance."


Well, we guess if there were a bunch of MENSA members who wanted to see what it looks like when the president of Russia dresses like a very pretty dominatrix and whips the president of the United States into submission, they were probably very pleased! If those same MENSA members get their jollies from observing an American president who is so stupid he thinks that Putin offering to help with the Mueller investigation is a good idea, then SQUEEEEEEE!

People who love America were appalled, of course, just like we were appalled to see Good Brain's "walk back" of his pathetic "performance" on Tuesday, where he didn't "walk back" shit, insisting that he had only gotten ONE WORD wrong, reasserting that he doesn't really believe our intelligence agencies and crossing out lines in his prepared remarks so he didn't have to say he would bring election hackers to justice. Also, he wrote "NO COLUSION" on the paper, misspelling it like that because he's a very stupid man. (If you wondered why even his prepared remarks were written so poorly, the Washington Post reports that Stephen Miller was heavily involved in the writing process, so thank him.)

Many palace intrigue articles have now been published about what happened on Air Force One on the way back from the president's latest failure, what led to his "walk back," and now how GRRRR MAD the president is that he had to pretend to "walk back" what he said, just like he was GRRRR MAD when he had to "walk back" what he said about how some of the Charlottesville Nazis were just really good people, BY SAYING IT AGAIN.

Gabe Sherman at Vanity Fair always has #JuicyScoops, so let's see what he has to say:


Sherman reports that on the airplane ride home from #TreasonTown, Trump was just so confused why people didn't like it when he accepted the rose from Vladimir Putin, but then he got mad, we guess because people who are perpetually confused tend to become uncontrollably angry about that after a while. He probably needed a diaper change too.

Apparently John Bolton wanted Trump to double down on being a traitor, but John Kelly was PISSED AT TRUMP and even called Congress and gave Republican leaders permission to mildly criticize the president. (In case you were wondering where those milquetoast condemnations from Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell came from!)

But the part that really made Trump cry pathetic orange stupid tears was how Fox News wasn't even being nice to him (with the notable exceptions, of course, of Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, who are as stupid, unpatriotic and unfuckable as the president). Moreover, according to WaPo, he was upset because Newt Gingrich gently scolded him! That's right, America, your president is such weak sauce that he poops his panties in sadness when NEWT GINGRICH hurts his feelings. So Trump finally agreed to pretend to "walk back" his remarks, something he wouldn't have had the balls to do were Vladimir Putin standing next to him in the White House, instead of just listening to him through the soccer ball he gave Trump in Helsinki.

And guess what! Newt Gingrich is dumb like Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, and he says it's all better now!


Let's see what the unemployable (and also unfuckable, according to Politico) White House staff has been going through ever since Trump gave America to Vladimir Putin in public:


Folks a little freaked out today," a Republican operative in frequent touch with the administration wrote in a text message Tuesday. "Almost like Zombies about how bad this was."


A former senior White House official, who worked closely with Trump, immediately texted us: "Need a shower."

Axios again!

One of Trump's own former National Security Council officials texted: "Dude. This is a total [effing] disgrace. The President has lost his mind."

MAGA Haberman!

Now, Mr. Trump's aides fear the worst is still to come. If the past is any guide, they said privately, Mr. Trump will spend the coming days digesting the continuing fallout from his encounter with Mr. Putin, and he will look for someone other than himself to blame.

This is all very sad and also funny. Maybe those Trump staffers should get new jobs, oh wait, nobody is hiring Trump White House idiots, not even the Big Lots off the highway. WOMP WOMP!

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Oh good, Jared Kushner decided to pick today to come out from the hidey hole where he back channels with Russians and the Saudi Murder Prince while lustily fingering the security clearance unlawfully procured for him by an unelected president.

That's just super.

It was at the Time 100 event, not because Jared was on the Time 100 this year, but we guess because he was on it in 2017. His profile back then was written by Henry Kissinger, who predicted he would be a "success." We guess this happened during a part of the event called "The Time 100's Biggest Bloopers, OMG" ... oh wait, hold on, Wonkette has just been informed that Time was being serious when it invited Jared.

Our bad.

Say something stupid in reaction to the release of the Mueller Report, J-Kush:

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We swear that John Cornyn is an honest-to-goodness US senator. Yet this is what the Texas Republican (or at least his campaign team) is tweeting while serious people are discussing impeaching the president.

Team Cornyn's tweet quickly found itself a resident of Ratio-ville, where the presiding mayor is Howard Schultz. But why did this crack team of political savants scour Twitter for old-ass tweets from one of the new Mads on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? Is Patton Oswalt running for Senate? He's certainly more fit for office than Donald Trump. No, apparently, the comedian is just a supporter of a Senate candidate. Democrat MJ Hegar just launched her campaign today to unseat Cornyn in 2020, and Team Cornyn's rapid response was to attack someone who once said nice things about her. Seriously, they have no other connection.

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