Good morning, Grandpa Good Brain, what are the voices in the wire tapps telling you to tweet today?

"Many people at the higher ends of intelligence."

"His performance."


Well, we guess if there were a bunch of MENSA members who wanted to see what it looks like when the president of Russia dresses like a very pretty dominatrix and whips the president of the United States into submission, they were probably very pleased! If those same MENSA members get their jollies from observing an American president who is so stupid he thinks that Putin offering to help with the Mueller investigation is a good idea, then SQUEEEEEEE!

People who love America were appalled, of course, just like we were appalled to see Good Brain's "walk back" of his pathetic "performance" on Tuesday, where he didn't "walk back" shit, insisting that he had only gotten ONE WORD wrong, reasserting that he doesn't really believe our intelligence agencies and crossing out lines in his prepared remarks so he didn't have to say he would bring election hackers to justice. Also, he wrote "NO COLUSION" on the paper, misspelling it like that because he's a very stupid man. (If you wondered why even his prepared remarks were written so poorly, the Washington Post reports that Stephen Miller was heavily involved in the writing process, so thank him.)

Many palace intrigue articles have now been published about what happened on Air Force One on the way back from the president's latest failure, what led to his "walk back," and now how GRRRR MAD the president is that he had to pretend to "walk back" what he said, just like he was GRRRR MAD when he had to "walk back" what he said about how some of the Charlottesville Nazis were just really good people, BY SAYING IT AGAIN.

Gabe Sherman at Vanity Fair always has #JuicyScoops, so let's see what he has to say:


Sherman reports that on the airplane ride home from #TreasonTown, Trump was just so confused why people didn't like it when he accepted the rose from Vladimir Putin, but then he got mad, we guess because people who are perpetually confused tend to become uncontrollably angry about that after a while. He probably needed a diaper change too.

Apparently John Bolton wanted Trump to double down on being a traitor, but John Kelly was PISSED AT TRUMP and even called Congress and gave Republican leaders permission to mildly criticize the president. (In case you were wondering where those milquetoast condemnations from Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell came from!)

But the part that really made Trump cry pathetic orange stupid tears was how Fox News wasn't even being nice to him (with the notable exceptions, of course, of Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, who are as stupid, unpatriotic and unfuckable as the president). Moreover, according to WaPo, he was upset because Newt Gingrich gently scolded him! That's right, America, your president is such weak sauce that he poops his panties in sadness when NEWT GINGRICH hurts his feelings. So Trump finally agreed to pretend to "walk back" his remarks, something he wouldn't have had the balls to do were Vladimir Putin standing next to him in the White House, instead of just listening to him through the soccer ball he gave Trump in Helsinki.

And guess what! Newt Gingrich is dumb like Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity, and he says it's all better now!


Let's see what the unemployable (and also unfuckable, according to Politico) White House staff has been going through ever since Trump gave America to Vladimir Putin in public:


Folks a little freaked out today," a Republican operative in frequent touch with the administration wrote in a text message Tuesday. "Almost like Zombies about how bad this was."


A former senior White House official, who worked closely with Trump, immediately texted us: "Need a shower."

Axios again!

One of Trump's own former National Security Council officials texted: "Dude. This is a total [effing] disgrace. The President has lost his mind."

MAGA Haberman!

Now, Mr. Trump's aides fear the worst is still to come. If the past is any guide, they said privately, Mr. Trump will spend the coming days digesting the continuing fallout from his encounter with Mr. Putin, and he will look for someone other than himself to blame.

This is all very sad and also funny. Maybe those Trump staffers should get new jobs, oh wait, nobody is hiring Trump White House idiots, not even the Big Lots off the highway. WOMP WOMP!

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.

In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"


In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!

Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!


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