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We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:




Let's watch the video together, as the president of the United States takes the Russian dictator's side on everything and takes a shiv to everything that makes America truly great in the process. Afterward, we will bullet point the highlights:

Putin got to talk first, because everybody knows that when the president of the United States and the president of some pissant country with an economy smaller than Italy's meet up, the American president says, "You go first, because you own me."

In his prepared remarks, Trump said our relationship with Russia has never been worse, except for now it's real good, because of whatever happened when he and Putin were locked in their room together. Trump said he spent a "great deal of time" talking about Russian election meddling, and that Putin has "an interesting idea" for how to handle it. (It is not a good idea.)

But the real fun came once the journalists started asking questions. Here are things Trump said, and things Putin said while Trump eagerly nodded his head like "Yes! You have instructed me to agree with you right now!" Each one of these quotes will make you want to start drinking right now and never stop:

NO COLLUSION! NO COLLUSION!

Jeff Mason from Reuters asked, in response to Trump's tweet blaming America first for our bad relationship with Russia, if Trump thinks Russia has ever done anything wrong in its whole perfect life. Trump conceded that yes, it's possible Russia might have done a bad thing here and there, but added:

I think that the [Mueller] probe is a disaster for our country. I think it's kept us apart, it's kept us separated. There was no collusion at all. Everybody knows it. People are being brought out to the fore. So far that I know, virtually none of it related to the campaign. And they're going to have to try really hard to find somebody that did relate to the campaign. That was a clean campaign.

I beat Hillary Clinton easily, and frankly we beat her, and I'm not even saying from the standpoint ... we won that race. And it's a shame that there could even be a little bit of a cloud over it. People know that, people understand it, but the main thing, and we discussed this also, ZERO COLLUSION ...

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Russia interfered with our 2016 election, according to all our intelligence agencies and the Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee, and Trump's Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats says the lights are "blinking red" that Russia is gearing up to insert its dick into the midterms, but the real problem here is that we are investigating those crimes, instead of letting Putin get away with what he did to install Trump in office.

Mason followed up by asking Putin why we should even fucking believe his lying ass about election hacking, and also is he willing to extradite the Russians Robert Mueller indicted on Friday for election hacking? So of course Trump answered for Putin, because Putin already put the words in his mouth in their private suite this morning, with his tongue:

As you know, the whole concept of that came up ... as a reason why the Democrats lost an election which frankly they shoulda been able to win because the Electoral College is much more advantageous for Democrats, as you know, than it is to Republicans. We won the Electoral College by a lot -- 306 to 223 I believe (304 to 227 - Ed.] [...]
And frankly ... but just to say it one time again and I say it all the time, THERE WAS NO COLLUSION. I didn't know the president. There was nobody to collude with. There was no collusion with the campaign.

Holy fucking shit.

Once Trump was done yapping his thin lips, Putin took over:

As to who's to be believed, and who's not to be believed, you can trust no one! Where did you get this idea that President Trump trusts me or I trust him? [...]

Could you name a single fact that could definitively prove the collusion? This is utter nonsense. [...] There's no evidence when it comes to the actual facts. So we have to be guided by facts, not by rumors.

Oh go fuck yourself, Vladimir.

BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION COLLUSION!

Putin went on to address the 12 of his own Russian military intelligence officers indicted by Robert Mueller, and presented a novel idea, which is that he is totally willing to help Mueller with the case:

We will interrogate, hold a questioning, of these individuals who he believes are privy to some crimes. And our enforcement are perfectly able to do this questioning and send the materials to the United States.

Oh, isn't that just so very nice of Putin! He will ask his own guys whether they carried out the operation he ordered with his mouth! And in exchange, Putin wants American law enforcement officials to go after that guy Bill Browder, the investor dude whose work against Russian corruption has led to Magnitsky Acts all over the world, named after his colleague Sergei Magnitsky, who was murdered in a Russian prison. Putin even alleged, based on whatever info he pulled out of his ass right then, that Browder donated $400 MILLION to Hillary Clinton's campaign. (He didn't.)

Later in the presser, Trump couldn't stop fawning over Putin's "incredible offer":

He offered to have the people working on the case come and work with their investigators with respect to the 12 people. I think that's an incredible offer.

We'd say Putin's KGB training is really paying off, but we also think a marginally intelligent dachshund could out-maneuver Donald Trump, so ...

WE INTERRUPT THIS VERY IMPORTANT COLLUSION SO VLADIMIR PUTIN CAN GIVE DONALD TRUMP A SOCCER BALL FROM THE WORLD CUP THAT PROBABLY HAS A LISTENING DEVICE IN IT.

Trump tossed it over to Melania and said it would be a nice present for Barron.

Easiest "wire tapp" ever.

ANYWAY, BACK TO THE TREASON.

Jonathan Lemire from the AP was the real hero of the day, asking Trump specifically who he believes about 2016 election interference -- Russia or ALL OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES AND THE SENATE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE? And as a follow-up, would Trump look Putin in his eyes and see his soul tell him to fucking cut that shit out?

And Trump said:

You have groups that are wondering why the FBI never took the server -- haven't they taken the server. Why was the FBI told to leave the office of the Democratic National Committee?

I've been wondering that, I've been asking that for months and months and I've been tweeting it out and calling it out on social media. Where is the server? I want to know where is the server and what is the server saying?

With that being said, all I can do is ask the question. My people came to me, Dan Coats came to me and some others, they said they think it's Russia. I have President Putin; he just said it's not Russia.

I will say this: I don't see any reason why it would be. But I really do want to see the server.

BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING CONSPIRACY THEORIES THAT MAKE SENSE TO NOBODY. Dan Coats says one thing, but Putin says a different thing, and Dan Coats doesn't have a pee tape of Trump, but Putin does (allegedly!) so that settles it! Russia NOT GUILTY! Dan Coats and Hillary Clinton GUILTY! He added that all he can do with Putin is "ask the question," we guess because he doesn't have the balls to actually get in Putin's face, because that would involve the humiliation of admitting he couldn't have won without illegal outside help.

Trump had another question that is definitely on the subject of 2016 election meddling:

What happened to Hillary Clinton's e-mails? 33,000 e-mails gone -- just gone. I think in Russia they wouldn't be gone so easily. I think it's a disgrace that we can't get Hillary Clinton's 33,000 e-mails.

We're frankly shocked Trump didn't turn to Putin and say, "Putin, if you're listening, could you please hack Hillary Clinton and find her 33,000 missing emails?" like he did several hours before the Russians tried to directly hack Hillary Clinton's personal office in July of 2016.

In summary and in conclusion:

So I have great confidence in my intelligence people, but I will tell you that President Putin was extremely strong and powerful in his denial today.

In other words, that is the president of America saying America can go fuck itself. Can we put this guy on trial for treason yet?

FINALLY, LET'S TALK ABOUT PEE TAPES AND DEMOCRACY AND OTHER LOOSE ENDS!

Vladimir Putin, y'all:

I was an intelligence officer myself! And I do know how dossiers are made up!

We bet.

Tell us how democracy works, Russian trash dictator:

I believe that Russia is a democratic state, and I hope you are not denying this right to your own country, you're not denying that United States is a democracy. Do you believe United States is a democracy? And if so, if it is a democratic state, then the final conclusion in this kind of a dispute can only be delivered by a trial, by the court, not by the executive, by the law enforcement.

DO NOT CONGRATULATE.

After a soliloquy that managed to name-check George Soros, Putin got another great question, which was basically DO U HAVE A PEE TAPE OF THAT GROSS ORANGE DIPSHIT NEXT TO YOU?

Well, he didn't say he doesn't:

Yeah, I did hear these rumors that we allegedly collected compromising material on Mr. Trump when he was visiting Moscow. Well, distinguished colleague, let me tell you this: When President Trump was at Moscow back then, I didn't even know that he was in Moscow. I treat President Trump with utmost respect, but back then when he was a private individual, a businessman, nobody informed me that he was in Moscow.

Actually that's a complete lie. Putin totally knew Trump was in Moscow, and Russian intelligence is ALL ABOUT SOME DAMN KOMPROMAT.

Here is the end of Putin's very strong denial of all the pee tapes he has on Trump, which is just as strong as his denial that he boned our election:

Well, it's difficult to imagine an utter nonsense of a bigger scale than this.

Well, please, just disregard these issues and don't think about this anymore again.

Bite me.

Oh, did we mention Putin finally got around to officially endorsing Trump in the 2016 election during today's presser? That happened.

Also Trump said some unintelligible bullshit about Peter Strzok, immediately before he and Putin ran away together into the Finnish evening to do whatever dictators and their intelligence assets do for a fun night out in Helsinki.

We said it before, but ISN'T THIS A FUCKING FUN DAY TO BE AN AMERICAN?

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

Keep reading... Show less
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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.


In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"

EXTREME SHUDDER.

In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!


Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!

[Politico]

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