Putin And Trump's Secret Deals Are For Putin To Know And Tell The Baby He Agreed To Later

Two days ago, Donald Trump pulled off his stinky diaper, rubbed it into his orange hair, and shouted WHERE'S MUH PARADE? He'd just emerged from a two-hour, closed-door meeting with a former KGB officer, confident that his manly charm and unfailing natural instincts had carried the day again. Putin said he didn't hack the DNC, and why ever not wouldn't Trump just not believe him!

So, what did Trump and Putin discuss when they were mano-a-mano? Only Vladimir Putin's listening device knows! Donald Trump is a stable genius, and geniuses don't take notes!

The Post reports,

"Important verbal agreements" were reached at the Helsinki meeting, Russia's ambassador to the United States, Anatoly Antonov, told reporters in Moscow Wednesday, including preservation of the New START and INF agreements, major bilateral arms control treaties whose futures have been in question. Antonov also said Putin had made "specific and interesting proposals to Washington" on how the two countries could cooperate on Syria.

What agreements might those be? Unclear!

So Trumpland shifted into its usual strategy of bracing for whatever crazy shit The Old Idiot ad libbed them into, while pretending that HE DID TOO MEAN TO SAY COVFEFE, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. As Pentagon spokeswoman Dana White told reporters,

When we are able to provide more details, we will, but rest assured, the U.S. Department of Defense remains laser focused on the defense of our nation.


Luckily, we have Vladimir Putin around to tell us what President Arty McDeals agreed to on our behalf. Bloomberg reports,

Vladimir Putin told Russian diplomats that he made a proposal to Donald Trump at their summit this week to hold a referendum to help resolve the conflict in eastern Ukraine, but agreed not to disclose the plan publicly so the U.S. president could consider it, according to two people who attended Putin's closed-door speech on Thursday.

So Russia invaded Ukraine in 2014 and hacked off a piece of the country, but if we just let them hold a "vote" -- that would be a COUGH COUGH AHEM VOTE LOLOL -- then it will be totally kosher. Russia can keep the deepwater port in Sevastopol and whatever hydrocarbons are underwater in the Crimean maritime region of the Black Sea, while further encircling Ukraine's remaining territory. But this is fine, because the Russians are known worldwide for running free and fair elections.

Via Geocurrents

To which Donald Trump said, "Hmmmm, let me think about it. John McCain's the only Republican left with half a conscience, and he'll be gone soon." PROBABLY.

We are old enough to remember when Republicans lost their shit because Barack Obama told Russian President Dmitry Medvedev that he'd have "more flexibility after the election" on missile defense.

But that was before the Republican Party became a wholly owned subsidiary of the Russian Federation. These days we are totes cool if Russia just grabs a chunk of land in the Black Sea and parks nuclear-capable missiles there. It's fine, see, because the president is a white guy now!

And what's this, a mere 60 hours later, the White House managed to decipher the memo Trump finger-painted in applesauce on his highchair tray. It said, POOTIN FRIEND COME OVER PLAY ME!

Will Donald Trump take Vladimir Putin to election rallies in competitive midterm states? Or will they stay home for a slumber party at the White House, painting each other's nails and playing truth or dare before sneaking down to the archives when John Kelly finally drops off to sleep?


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[WaPo / Bloomberg]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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