Trump's Big Meeting With His KGB Handler Going Just GREAT

Wouldn't you agree that everything is JUST GREAT right now? On Friday, special counsel Robert Mueller indicted 12 Russian officers of the GRU, also known as Russian military intelligence, for alleged election hacking offenses. President Vladimir Putin of course personally ordered that operation. We're not sure if he ordered all the recent poisoning attacks in the UK, or whether he let one of his underlings sign off on them, but that is a thing that's been happening. Also on Friday, Dan Coats, the director of national intelligence, said out loud that the lights are "blinking red" on incoming Russian cyberattacks on the upcoming midterms, and just on America in general. He compared it to the warning signs our intel community got before 9/11, you know, the ones that were ignored. So of course, Donald Trump has just finished an All By Myself meeting with Putin, who is probably literally his handler.

Wanna see what Trump looks like when he's really nervous and excited and terrified and awestruck? Wanna see what he looks like when he knows he's sitting next to DADDY? Check out this video of the pool spray Putin and Trump did with reporters before they retired to their private quarters:

You see the body language? Trump gazes at Putin like he's waiting for approval or instructions or even just a smile that says, "I really love you." (Click here for video of Trump WINKING AT PUTIN.) Meanwhile, Putin manspreads all over Finland's nice furniture like LONG DICK, DON'T CARE. It's striking, really.

Of course, what else would you expect with two leaders who are so obviously mismatched -- Putin the trained KGB spy, Trump the yapping dipshit who doesn't like reading intelligence briefings.

To be clear, we'll never have an accurate read-out on what happened in their meeting, as only translators were present. (That is, unless the Deep State or Finnish intelligence managed to do WIRE TAPPS to the room first, for national security purposes.) Trump will say he DEFINITELY AYUP FOR SURE asked Putin if he hacked our election, and he'll say yet again that Putin swears up and down he didn't do it, which is good enough for Trump. Hell, why would Trump accept reality? If he did, he'd have to accept that his election was entirely illegitimate. And don't tell us the Russian operation didn't change votes, Rod Rosenstein. OF FUCKING COURSE it did. We can say with 100% certainty that the media treating DNC and Hillary campaign hacks like catnip for months at a time, while basically ignoring Trump's thousands of scandals, changed votes.

Speaking of, here is what was on Trump's mind in the hours before he met his ain true love in Helsinki:

That's right, Mister Patriotic American President who is definitely not compromised by a hostile foreign power! BLAME AMERICA FIRST. Is it apprropriate to call this meeting Trump's "apology tour"?

Oh well, at least the Russian Foreign Ministry liked his tweet:

This meeting, of course, comes on the heels of Trump's fucking disastrously embarrassing performances at NATO and in the UK, where the man seemed to be trying his damnedest to damage America's traditional alliances BIGLY. Of course, that's what Putin wants, so it's probably a mission accomplished moment for the president.

As we publish this, Trump and Putin are about to have a joint press conference. Whatever happens, we guarantee you Trump will 100% be on Team Putin, and the rest of us can get fucked, we guess.

What a fun day to be an American!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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