Though Wonkette is America's Oldest War Blog, we are not nuclear weapons experts. But today's news that North Korea has developed the ability to do Honey, I Shrunk The Kids to its nuclear warheads, as broken by the Washington Post, is very scary and very big. On the heels of the United Nations Security Council (with agreement from Russia and China!) smacking North Korea with YOOOGE new economic sanctions, today's news, based on a Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA) report from last month, suggests the rogue state is quite a lot further along in its quest to be able to shoot a nuke at the continental United States. WHOA AND SCARY if true!

As we said, we are not a nuclear expert, so after you're done with this post, head to the WaPo for all the details.

But please rest assured that your president, Donald J. Trump, is SANE and a GROWN-UP and understands his JOB, and that, even if he is on golf-cation at Bedminster, he has his eyes laser-focused on protecting America, and on working with our allies and our half-allies and even hostile nations to protect THE WHOLE WORLD from this emerging ...


That was Trump's first tweet after this breaking news, which is WALL TO WALL on the news networks right now, including Fox. But don't worry, we're sure he's preparing to reassure a jittery nation any minute that he and his excellent team of national security advisers will ...


This is the only song he knows how to play. He doesn't know how to be the president of the United States, because he's too much of a thin-skinned pussy to pay attention to anything but his own petty grievances. He knows how to brag about himself, even though he has literally nothing to brag about, such a fucking loser is he.

Now, this is not to say that there is no fluttering activity at Bedminster, or that the president hasn't been pulled away from the very important conversation he was having with his two scoops of ice cream in order to be given a 30-second flash card presentation featuring pictures of nuclear bombs and Kim Jong Un's face, with the occasional picture of Hot Pussy thrown in, to keep his attention. We are simply noting that, while this breaking news is reverberating around the world, President Fuck-Bonkers has ten fingers on his Twitterphone and his entire head up his asshole, bitch-tweeting about Hillary Clinton and the fake news.

And to be completely fair, Trump did just now, at some event about the opioid crisis, say North Korea will be "met with fire, fury and frankly power," according to frankly Fake News CNN. So it's all better now and you feel completely safe. Ayup, you bet. (Did he just threaten to nuke them? Fucking hell.)

Vice News is out with a hilarious/sad report that says twice a day, Donald Trump is hand-delivered a folder of only the most glowing news ABOUT HIMSELF, and that it's so egregiously bullshit that folks in the White House actually call it the "Propaganda Document." According to Vice, it's prepared around 9:30 AM and 4:30 PM, and we assume Trump gets it soon after. So, according to our well-honed clock-readin' skills, that means Trump should be getting his Trump Porn document full of sexxxxy Good Trump News in a little over an hour, which will presumably distract the Pussgrabber-In-Chief from the Hillary Clinton Fake News voices in his head, which are in turn distracting him from actually doing his job as president of the United fucking States.

America, this is your reality.

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[Washington Post / CNN]

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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