Trump Really Scared Of Jail If He Loses, So Confirm His Fears And MAKE HIM LOSE
Election Day before the polls close is so weird. If you are reading Wonkette, you probably already have your vote locked down, and the votes of whoever lives in your house. We get it. You're a BIG lib. You're so liberal your DOG eats arugula. You're so liberal your DOG eats arugula in your Prius. Whatever.
But if you need a goose to spend some of your day making sure turnout is as high as possible, getting people who don't even have Priuses full of arugula to vote, we'd like to point you toward a Maggie Haberman 'N' Pals article you might have missed in the New York Times, about how SCAAAAAAAAAARED Donald Trump is of losing.
You see, he's pretty sure the law man is coming for him if that happens.
Seldom far from Mr. Trump's thoughts, however, is the possibility of defeat — and the potential consequences of being ejected from the White House.
Hey look, it's Donald Trump right now:
In unguarded moments, Mr. Trump has for weeks told advisers that he expects to face intensifying scrutiny from prosecutors if he loses. He is concerned not only about existing investigations in New York, but the potential for new federal probes as well, according to people who have spoken with him.
Hey look, this is Donald Trump right now:
Just kidding, Donald Trump doesn't have a normal human face like that baby or Cory from "Boy Meets World." In fact, we have spent the last 10 minutes searching the entire internet for a .gif of something that is scared that has a face as poorly put together as what happened when God made Donald Trump's face, and it's just not there.
Point is, he is scared, and you should get on the phone calling people to get them to vote, to make sure the crybaby's fears come true.
Now we know what you are thinking: He's probably just going to try to pardon himself anyway — unclear if that's going to fly — or he might resign real quick and let President-For-Five-Minutes Mike Pence pardon him. That's true, he might. But New York state is allllllll the way up his ass, and appears to have picked up investigating possible Trump crimes where the Southern District of New York (SDNY) left off. Pence can't save him from the state of New York.
What we are saying is that Trump could totally still end up in Rikers like a common "Law & Order: SVU" villain, which is insanely appropriate now that we type it.
Now we know what else you are thinking: But Rikers has stairs in it, and Donald Trump is extremely scared of those! To which we reply yes, fuck yep there are. He's also really scared of sharks, and we don't thiiiiiink there are any of those in the East River surrounding Rikers, but Trump doesn't know that. A fun game would be to lie to him and tell him there are sharks surrounding that whole damn island.
Now we know the third thing you are thinking: Donald Trump is just going to run away to some American enemy country he really loves, some place they won't extradite him back.
And you know what? FINE. GET THE FUCK OUT AND NEVER COME BACK. Don't care at this point. We have a country to save.
First polls close in six and a half hours. Get in your arugula Prius and go make votes happen.
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