Trump Really Wants To Give You Mueller Report, But It's Under Audit And He Doesn't Want To

IT'S DUE DAY! House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler told Attorney General Bill Barr that the due date for FUCKING GIVE IT the Mueller report is TODAY, as in RIGHT NOW, as in put your pencils down and give us that motherfucking thing, because this is not our first Watergate, you fucking criminals.

As we've noted since the end of the Mueller investigation, all the talk from Donald Trump and his protectors about wanting to give us the Mueller report is for show. They want us to believe Trump has been given a clean bill of health, because Barr wrote a seven-word mash note saying Trump was pure as the driven snow, when they know the truth is the opposite. And now we are really seeing the pivot.

Exhibit "A" is Trump himself, who has in recent days been suggesting that if they give us the Mueller report, the Democrats are just going to want MORE, MORE, MORE. Not sure how we can demand MORE MUELLER REPORTS after we get the first one, but YOU CAN BET WE'LL TRY:

That's because we want ALL OF IT, YOU STUPID FUCKING DICK.

This morning, Trump tweeted a Fox News video of Jeffrey Epstein's pal and Trump-lover extraordinaire Alan Dershowitz saying actually Bill Barr isn't required by law to release any of the Mueller report to Congress.

Also this morning, the very same president who is bitching about us wanting MORE, MORE, MORE also tweeted that really, Democrats don't want the Mueller report, because we are so upset Mueller "exonerated" Trump that we can't even bear to say his name.

Now that is just some horseshit, even for the Horseshitter-In-Chief. There is no person alive who cannot hear the Democrats saying GIVE IT GIVE IT GIVE IT FUCKING GIVE IT WHAT PART OF OH MY GOD FUCKING GIVE IT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND YOU PIECE OF SHIT COVER-UPPER MOTHERFUCKERS GIVE IT. And by "it," we mean THE MUELLER REPORT, written by ROBERT SWAN MUELLER III.

And this is where we are. Sarah Huckabee Sanders went on Fox News today to say Democrats demanding the Mueller report are just being "sore losers." Fox Judge Andrew Napolitano -- who just the other day was telling the truth about how bad the Mueller report probably is for Trump -- said this morning that actually Barr can't release the whole Mueller report to Congress, because there's stuff in there that's classified! Nobody in Congress gets to see classified stuff! And also there is embarrassing stuff about people who weren't charged with crimes, and Congress isn't allowed to learn anything about that!

Spoiler: They don't want us to see it.

And Congress knows it. In advance of today's DUE DATE, Jerry Nadler and the chairs of five other committees, including Adam Schiff, Elijah Cummings and Maxine Waters, sent another letter about FUCKING GIVE IT, meant to handle all the bullshitty objections Barr has proffered against coming clean and fucking giving it. It also reminds Barr that in the morning, if the report has not been produced, it's gonna be subpoena-thirty, motherfuckers.

As for Barr's objections about grand jury secrecy, they explain how Barr can shove it up his ass take that to court and ask the judge to release the grand jury material, just like they did in Watergate. They also explain in detail how actually not all grand jury information is prohibited from being shared with Congress, since Barr seems to feel that if the grand jury so much as sniffed a piece of evidence, that it must necessarily be redacted. (Though Rachel Maddow reported on what might prove to be an interesting hold-up on the grand jury stuff, because of how that mystery case involving the company-owned-by-a-country revealed last week that the grand jury impaneled by Robert Mueller is still "continuing robustly." The DC district court judge on that case, Beryl Howell, is the same judge who would hear a request from Barr to release grand jury materials to Congress. WATCH THIS SPACE!)

As for Barr's objections about executive privilege, they explain all the reasons why FUCK OFF. Besides, Bill Barr, despite what he may think about himself, is not actually Trump's Roy Cohn, and cannot assert executive privilege on behalf of Trump.

As far as sharing stuff with Congress that's related to ongoing investigations, the chairs note that those concerns didn't seem to stop DoJ from sharing stuff involved in ongoing investigations when it was Devin Nunes running around fucking cows (figuratively!) in order to obstruct this very investigation during the last Congress.

As far as classified material, Barr may not know this, but CONGRESS IS A CO-EQUAL BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT AND IS ALLOWED TO SEE CLASSIFIED SHIT, DUDE. Really! They have SCIFs and everything!

As to Barr's concerns about the nonexistent "reputations" of "peripheral third parties" who might not have been charged but who nonetheless come off really gross in the report (JUNIOR AND JARED among others, if we had to guess), Barr might not have heard of this before, but there is this little thing Congress does called "oversight," and maybe Barr should look it up in the dictionary.

In summary and in conclusion, FUCKING GIVE IT.

Of course, Bill Barr could make things easier for himself and America if he waddled his happy ass over to Jerry Nadler's office right now and just gave him the report.

As he might have heard, it's due today.


[House Judiciary letter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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