Joe Biden Gonna Ban Windows, And Other Highlights From Trump's Rose Garden Derp Manifesto Of Blarp
ACHTUNG! BREAKING! Donald Trump is fucking crazy!
Okay, that's not really news. But even the New York Times is like "Holy shit, dude, he's completely off his rocker!" after the president's insane Rose Garden speech yesterday.
"Even for those who follow Mr. Trump regularly and understand his shorthand, it became challenging to follow his train of thought," Peter Baker wrote last night. Which is Timestalk for "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!"
After whiffing his sit-down with CBS's Catherine Herridge, who made her name flogging stories at Fox News about poor, naive Michael Flynn being framed by the Deep State, and can hardly be described as a hostile interviewer, Trump assembled reporters at 5:30 p.m. for a Rose Garden "press conference" to discuss his recently signed order stripping preferential trade status from Hong Kong.
Sorry about your human rights, Hong Kongers. But hey, look on the bright side, if Hong Kong loses, then America must be winning!
And we're going to do a lot more business because of it, because we just lost one competitor. That's the way it is. We lost a very, very serious competitor. A competitor that we incentivized to take a lot of business and do well. And we gave them a lot of business by doing what we did. We gave them things that nobody else had the right to do, and that gave them a big edge over other markets. And because of that edge, they've done really historic business, tremendous business — far bigger than anybody would have thought, years ago, when we did this gift. It was really a gift to freedom.
Then he moved on to his real theme: Biden Wants to Sell the US to China for a Green New Deal.
"Joe Biden's entire career has been a gift to the Chinese Communist Party and to the calamity of — of errors that they've made. They made so many errors. And it's been devastating for the American worker," he blarped.
No other president in modern history has used the White House for campaign events, but Donald Trump DGAF.
Also the World Health Organization is terrible, and the World Trade Organization is terrible, and he's the only one who understands anything around here.
Joe Biden supported China's entry into the World Trade Organization — one of the greatest geopolitical and economic disasters in world history. If you look at China, if you look at the moment they joined the World Trade, they were flat lining for years and years and years and decades. And then, all of a sudden, they joined the World Trade Organization, and they went like a rocket ship. They were given all sorts of advantages. They were considered a developing country. As a developing country, they got tremendous advantages over the United States and other countries. And they took advantage of those advantages, and — and then some.
Biden personally led the effort to give China permanent, most-favored nation status, which is a tremendous advantage for a country to have. Few countries have it. But the United States doesn't have it. Never did. Probably never even asked for it, because they didn't know what they were doing.
China joined the WTO in 2001, when George W. Bush was president; It was considered a developing country because it was a developing country; and America has granted "most favored nation" status to all 164 countries in the WTO but Cuba since 1964. But why hasn't the US thought to ask the US for most favored nation status? Because Joe Biden didn't know what he was doing, obviously!
Have you thanked Donald Trump today for saving you from coronavirus? You better get right on that!
And we saved tens of thousands of lives, but we actually saved millions of lives by closing — by closing up, we saved millions, potentially millions of lives. Could be — a number that we're actually working on — but it could be 2- to 3 million lives. So we're at 135,000, which is terrible; one is too much. But we would've had millions of people dead from this curse that came at us.
And can we slow the testing down, please?: "Think of this: If we didn't do testing — instead of testing over 40 million people, if we did half the testing, we would have half the cases. If we did another — you cut that in half, we would have, yet again, half of that." Yes, that is just how math and disease works. Also if we banned pregnancy tests, the birth rate would plummet. Thanks, Mister President Science Man!
There were lies upon lies, too many for the New York Times to even factcheck: Hunter Biden took a billion dollars out of China; COVID death numbers are inflated tenfold; Biden has outsourced his economic plan to Bernie Sanders and "AOC, a young woman — not talented, in many ways," so they can murder 25 percent of American jobs as a gift to China; the EU was created to take advantage of poor, gullible America ("And I know that, and they know I know that, but other Presidents had no idea!"); blahblahblah etc.
There was also insane rambling about pretty white girls getting murdered by killers brought in by Obama and Biden.
We have great agreements where when Biden and Obama used to bring killers out, they would say don't bring them back to our country, we don't want them. Well, we have to, we don't want them. They wouldn't take them. Now with us, they take them. Someday, I'll tell you why. Someday, I'll tell you why. But they take them and they take them very gladly. They used to bring them out and they wouldn't even let the airplanes land if they brought them back by airplanes. They wouldn't let the buses into their country. They said we don't want them. Said no, but they entered our country illegally and they're murderers, they're killers in some cases.
The "meat" of Trump's "speech" was a list of "actual key elements of the Biden-Sanders unity platform" drawn up by "my people." Whether that means White House staff paid for by you the American taxpayer worked on this masterpiece, or the Trump campaign cooked it up on their own dime, President Goodwords did not specify. But here are some of the absolutely real, totally not made up elements of Joe Biden's China Lovin', America Last Agenda:
- "Stop all deportations. So in other words, we'll take all of these people — many of whom are in prison for rape, murder, lots of other things."
- "Incentivize illegal-alien child smuggling."
- "Give all illegal aliens taxpayer-funded lawyers. How does that sound? Pretty good? In other words: Come in here illegally. We're going to give you a free legal advice. We'll take you up to the Supreme Court as much as possible."
- "They want to take down the wall, which we fought hard for: up to 259 miles right now of great, powerful wall that's really working because, if you look at the numbers, in addition to the fact that Mexico, for various reasons, has 27,000 soldiers on our southern border to keep people out of our country — and I appreciate it."
- "Grant work permits for illegal aliens. So if you come in illegally, you get a work permit. People that live here don't get work permits, in many cases." (Why does Joe Biden oppose work permits for American citizens?)
- "Federal Student Aid and free community college for illegal aliens. What do you think about that? Federal Student Aid and free community college. We're going to have every person in the world pouring into our country from all over the world."
- "Grant mass amnesty. Everybody gets amnesty. Mass amnesty. Think of that. And this says: Create a roadmap to citizenship for massive, massive numbers."
- "Increase refugee admissions by 700 percent."
- "Abolish law enforcement as we know it."
- "End cash bail. No bail. Just, we let you right out."
- "Appoint social justice prosecutors in order to free violent criminals."
- "Incentivize prison closure. So they want to close our prisons. They now want to abolish — they want to abolish our police departments. They want to abolish our prisons, I guess. Incentivize jail and prison closures as populations decline."
- "Mandate all 500,000 school buses and all three million government vehicles be changed to zero-emission vehicles within five years. I've heard it's worse than that!" (Worse than that? Egads!)
- "End school choice. There is nothing that the African American community wants more than school choice"
- "Abolish all charter schools."
- "Abolish — in the suburbs, you're going to abolish the suburbs with this. Enforce Obama-Biden's radical AFFH — that's the AFFH regulation that threatens to strip localities of federal affordable housing funds unless they change their zoning laws to fit the federal government's demands." (He later promised to cancel congressionally enacted housing anti-discrimination statutes, saying "I spoke with Ben Carson the other day. We're going to be taking it out.")
And if that's not bad enough, Joe Biden wants to make windows illegal!
TRUMP: “…mandate net zero carbon emissions for homes, offices and all new buildings by 2030. That basically means n… https://t.co/DRA7Tf6oT2— JM Rieger (@JM Rieger) 1594765358.0
Whatever you say, Commander Bananapants!
In summary and in conclusion, Joe Biden wants to recycle America as a gift to China, and that's why Trump is winning bigly in the real polls of boaters and bikers and Trump rallies.
I think we have a really good poll numbers. They're not suppression polls; they're real polls. You look at the Intracostal in Florida. You look at the lakes. You see thousands of boats with Trump signs, American signs. You've got the Trump-Pence sign all over. You look at what's going on. You look at bikers, for miles and miles, riding up highways proudly with their signs.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.