TWO HANDS, SIR, TWO HANDS.

Never let it be said that Donald Trump can't snatch a humiliating self-own out of the jaws of already humiliating defeat.

Ever since Trump angrily stormed out of his "60 Minutes" interview with Lesley Stahl, he's been taunting Stahl and America, threatening to release the video himself to prove how brilliant he was and how unfair and mean and ANGRY WOMAN she was. He, idiot that he is, self-owned by tweeting out pictures of White House press-liar Kayleigh McEnany handing Stahl a giant book of Trump's healthcare accomplishments. "Lesley had no idea!" tweeted Trump, about the pictures of the book, the pages of which, at least from the fun shots he tweeted, appeared to be blank.

That fourth pic? Looks like Stahl opening a book and finding it's been hollowed out to make a space for Rudy Giuliani's chram.

But anyway, this morning, Trump tweeted again that he was going to release his "60 Minutes" interview HIS OWN SELF, and then we'd all see! See what? His "magificently brilliant" answers to Lesley Stahl, of course! And why is that in quotes, when we can be 100 percent certain no one actually has used those words to describe his interview performance? Because Trump doesn't know how to write in English, and is also a congenital liar!

Well, folks, he did it. He put his own version of the interview online, and if you get a stiffy in your knickers at presidents who, when asked if they're ready for tough questions, reply that they are most certainly NOT, then this is the interview for you.


And if you like presidents who, after 37 minutes of absolute blithering nonsense, storm out of that same interview after bitching that the interviewer started by saying she was going to ask tough questions — "Your first statement was 'are you ready for tough questions'? That's no way to talk. No way to talk" — then this is also your interview! In this clip, also Trump bellyaches that Joe Biden never gets "hard" questions and the subjects Lesley Stahl raised were "inappropriately brought up."

Then he runs away.

Again, the thin-skinned raccoon-brained president thinks this video makes him look good.

What a puny, pathetic little man. We bet his dad who never loved him is looking up from hell and still isn't proud.

There was an interview in between, and if you watch it, if you have literally nothing else to do with your life today, you will see that all Trump's whining is about nothing. Stahl simply does what Savannah Guthrie did in that embarrassing town hall. When Trump says word salad bullshit lies, she calls him on it, using his own words and deeds as backup. That's it. He does not like it when women correct him.

Vox's Aaron Rupar tweeted out a couple of the key moments, like when Stahl and Trump talked about his superspreader rallies, and he whined and protested that he is currently having the biggest rallies he's ever had. "You used to have bigger rallies," said Stahl, who lives on Earth. "You just come in here with that negative attitude," said Trump, who is very whiny. "What's your next question, Lesley?" asks Trump after a bit more lame-ass bragging about his enormous rallies and how many people wear YOOGE masks at them.

This clip of Lesley Stahl reading all Trump's quotes about his imaginary healthcare plan, and asking why he hasn't actually developed one yet, is fun. "It is developed, it is fully developed, it's going to be announced very soon!" says Trump, who has no healthcare plan. But he swears he will totally announce it, after the "Handmaid's Tale" asshole gets confirmed to the Supreme Court so she can rip healthcare away from millions of people. (There will be no plan then either.)

In a later section, though, Trump says "we WILL COME UP WITH a plan," in the future tense. Because, again, he has no fucking plan. Stahl says, "WILL?!" because she was present a minute before when Trump lied and said his plan was developed already.

Truly, the interview is a waste of your fucking time, and nobody needs to watch it, unless you just really haven't had enough quality time mocking the president this week. We're not going to embed the full interview here, but it's on Trump's Facebook page. (If you're tempted to watch it, may we advise you instead to do something to get more voters to the polls in the next two weeks, to make extra certain you never have to watch that loser's shitmouth flap EVER AGAIN.)

We will, however, show you Mike Pence's video, which Trump also posted, and which came right after President Whiny-Ass's temper tantrum. Watch as Lesley Stahl asks Pence why Trump just had a meltdown, and Pence squirms like a first-grader before launching into his memorized lines about Trump's imaginary "leadership" and "accomplishments."

After all that, Stahl again is just like "why did he just run away?"

Again, Trump thinks this is all good for him. Really it's more like an in-kind donation to the Biden/Harris campaign.

If Trump is as impressive in the debate tonight as he was in this interview ... hoo boy.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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