Trump Restoring Dignity To Oval Office With LIVE SCOTUS ROSE CEREMONY SPECTACULAR! TONIGHT AT 8! DON'T MISS IT!

Tell us whut up, CNN:  

(CNN)The two judges who have been considered the top finalists to be President Donald Trump's nominee for the Supreme Court -- Neil Gorsuch and Thomas Hardiman -- are being brought to Washington ahead of tonight's White House announcement, sources tell CNN.

So Donald Trump is LITERALLY HAVING A BACHELOR/ROCK OF LOVE ROSE CEREMONY. That is great, and classy, and we love it very much and are not throwing up all over the passenger seat of this rental car.

The move comes as there were increasing indications that Gorsuch will be Trump's choice, sources briefed on the White House deliberations tell CNN.

One source said that Gorsuch was told it was likely him. Those close to the process warn that until it is announced, Trump could change his mind.

Our president is a hyperactive child tyrant. Sort of like a mix of this:

and this:

 
 Daisy from Rock of Love. Don't act like you didn't know that already.

I've watched his show, it was stupid and lame, and I wouldn't doubt he still hasn't made up his mind, or thinks he has but is a fickle dick. Perhaps he is going to go on a two-on-one date with his finalists in order to decide which one to eliminate? Or perhaps they will have to don bikinis and compete in an American Gladiator-style joust for his heart? Or maybe just have a good old fashioned phone sex competition? Last time that happened, we got Mike Pence. 

Oh, and hey, in case you were worried that things weren't Idiocracy/Bret Michaels/just plain FUCKING VULGAR enough yet,

Another one of the sources, familiar with the White House plans, said the administration is taking extraordinary measures to build suspense and keep the final selection under wraps for as close to the 8 p.m. EST announcement as possible.

Yeah, we know:

WILL WE??? WILL WE 'NOT WANT TO MISS IT, EXCLAMATION POINT!'? No, not really, in fact we'd really rather miss it quite a lot! But we'll make you a deal -- the BEST, YOOGEST DEAL, ALL THE NEGOTIATIONS -- if all y'all will cover us like a common sexcort with ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS before 8 p.m. Eastern, we'll liveblog this horrifying, humiliating, national embarrassment of a monstrosity. (Mama's got a new RV engine on her credit card!) Otherwise, fuck you, we're watching House Hunters, and you can Open Thread all on your own.