Trump Is Super-Fucked With Robert Mueller, And Rudy Giuliani Knows It

Everybody please be VERY QUIET, because the president of the United States is having a real nasty hangover after spending all of Wednesday dry-drunk on Twitter over the Robert Mueller investigation into his numerous Russian crimes!

The media is out with stories that say the reason Trump was pulling orange furs out of his asshole in rage all day on Wednesday is because Mueller's team sent a new letter offering new terms for a Trump interview, and that just made Trump GRRRRRRR! Personally, we think it's cute that the media is buying that story, because yesterday's tirade seems like it was about li'l bit more than that. But sure, let's play along!

CNN says Trump got an update from his lawyers on Mueller's new offer and that made him angrily 69 with his Twitter phone for eight hours straight on Wednedsay. CNN says his assistants are trying to schedule new white supremacist Trump rallies, to distract the baby. CNN says Trump fell in with the wrong crowd on his way back from his Florida rally, and that is what got the baby all riled up, and the wrong crowd CNN is referring to is Corey Lewandowski and Brad Parscale.

CNN says what got Trump so mad is that Mueller is actually willing to play ball a little bit and possibly "reduce the number of obstruction-related questions" in a potential interview, because it's a well known science fact that the president can't sit still for too many questions and he lies 50 million times before breakfast each and every day. We guess Mueller feels like he has room to negotiate, since he knows literally every question he asks Trump will be answered with gigantic fucking lies, so what's the difference if he smacks Trump with 50 perjury charges or 50,000?

Rudy Giuliani says Trump really really REALLY wants to do the interview with Mueller, but it's his lawyers holding him back. Rudy Giuliani says -- no literally he says this, with his mouth -- that he's worried all the other witnesses will tell Mueller the truth, and documentary evidence will back them up, but Trump will lie, which opens the president to unfair accusations of being a fucking liar. Greg Sargent at the Washington Postsays Giuliani is probably scared of another thing, which is Trump accidentally telling the truth, like OMG HOLY SHIT SHUT UP, DONALD TRUMP.

Rudy Giuliani says Robert Mueller should "put up or shut up" with his investigation. Rudy Giuliani is a super tough guy. If Robert Mueller met Rudy Giuliani in a dark alley, he would be like, "Oh no, a tough guy, I should turn around because there is a tough guy." Or maybe he would just say, "Oh look, a dumpster that's on fire. I shan't piss on it." We are not sure.

Maggie Haberman says Trump has such a tiny little orange hard-on to do a Mueller interview because ...

(Please sit down for this one, we don't want you to sprain anything laughing)

Mr. Trump has told advisers he is eager to meet with investigators to clear himself of wrongdoing, the people said. In effect, he believes he can convince the investigators for the special counsel, Robert S. Mueller III, of his belief that their own inquiry is a "witch hunt."

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha, losing our shit over here, is this week over yet?

Maggie Haberman says that though Mueller is showing willingness to negotiate, he still wants to ask about obstruction and collusion, because, like, those are the crimes Trump did. He says Trump can even do some written answers, as long as he gets to ask follow-up questions. Trump's lawyers say no follow-ups, because have you met this motherfucking liar?

Rudy Giuliani says hey don't worry about that tweet Trump sent about how Jeff Sessions should fire Robert Mueller. Rudy Giuliani says Trump didn't even mean to say "Jeff Sessions" anyway. And besides, it's not a presidential order, it's just a 'PINION, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders says Trump is allowed to have 'PINIONS, isn't he? Real lawyers say Trump's 'PINIONS can go a long way to helping Robert Mueller establish intent to obstruct justice.

Sean Spicer says (over a year ago) the president's tweets should be interpreted as official statements.

Trump said on Wednesday that collusion is not a crime, not that he did any collusion, NO COLLUSION.

Rudy Giuliani has been arguing all week that committing crimes is not actually a crime, if you are Donald Trump.

Wonkette is tired of this shit now and this post is over.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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