Donald Trump's daily coronavirus lie press conference had a weird moment Monday afternoon. Aside from all his lies and boasting and lie-boasting and also his face.

He was in the middle of trying to read some words about the Dow, and then he stopped doing that because a man in a suit came and rescued him, from reading words:

President Trump exits press briefing after shooting on White House grounds

There was something that happened outside the White House gates where the Secret Service shot somebody. But, like, is this supposed to impress us in some way? Oh no, Donald Trump must be rushed off to the bunker, because something happened outside the very tall White House walls he has been constructing, because of how he is afraid of the American people! Whatever, President Jackoff.

To be clear, we don't know if it was actually Bunker Baby time, and we do know the Secret Service has to protect the president when Things Happen. Trump came back and said he was fine and that he wasn't rattled at all, does he seem rattled to you, no he was not rattled:

"There was an actual shooting, and somebody has been taken to the hospital. I don't know the condition of the person," Trump told reporters after returning to the White House briefing room about nine minutes later. [...]

"I don't know, do I seem rattled?" he said when a reporter asked if he was rattled.

"The world has been, you look back over the centuries, the world has been a dangerous place, a very dangerous place."

Yes, Mr. non-rattled president, the world is a very dangerous place, it is like BOO!

Unfortunately, Trump felt the need to continue his press conference after he came back, and sweet Jesus, what a fucking idiot.

Here is Donald Trump saying that in "1917" the Spanish flu (of 1918) "probably ended the Second World War," which was just a "terrible situation," how the "great pandemic" did that, and "probably ended the Second World War." Yeah, that was a total thing, just ask a historian like Dinesh D'Souza, he'll probably tell you how this is absolutely correct.

Let's see, what else did Donald Trump say? He said a whole bunch of car companies are "moving in" to Michigan, which is a thing that isn't happening. He said "in 90 days or less," that the "China virus" would be doing much better. Also something about how people should go vote, but we guess not by mail, because in Virginia they are apparently sending ballots to housecats. (As is sometimes the case, there is a real news story Trump is referring to, but did not actually do reading comprehension to, because he's a moron.)

He said he's going to "terminate" the payroll tax. You know, the one that funds Social Security and Medicare, which as we all know Americans just hate. (Joe Biden, CUT THE AD!)

He said that dumb shit where he thinks you won't have coronavirus cases if you don't test people, which is similar to how people don't ever have babies if they don't have a pregnancy test. When it was pointed out that 97,000 kids have tested positive for coronavirus in the last two weeks, Trump repeated his new dumbfucking lie that kids are basically "immune" to the virus.

Oh yeah, and he said he would not have called for Barack Obama's resignation if 160,000 had died in a pandemic and the blood was on Obama's hands the way it is with Trump's. (This is the longer clip of Trump lamenting how the "1917" Spanish flu of 1918 ended the "Second World War.") Trump said no he would not have, and then bragged about how awesomely he has performed at the Great Pandemic of 2020 where 160,000 Americans and counting have died.

Wait for it wait for it wait for it wait for it wait for it HEY-O LOOK!

Trump tweet October 23, 2014: "If this doctor, who so recklessly flew into New York from West Africa, has Ebola, then Obama should apologize to the American people & resign!

So that's cool. Know how many people died of Ebola that year in America? One, just one.

Trump quite frankly came across like they had put valium in his Big Macs or something. Here, watch a video of Trump saying we shouldn't "politicize" the coronavirus, but instead should be united in hating China for sending it to us. (Or "releasing" it into Europe and the US, which he said later.) Try not to laugh.

Also try not to laugh at Trump reaffirming his accusation that Joe Biden is hurting God and the baby Jesus. Trump said you just have to "look at the manifesto that they've come up," which ... yeah, we have no fucking idea. Trump either has dementia, or he plays a dementia patient on TV. He also said the "Bernie plan," which is apparently also the Biden plan, is something you just simply cannot put "in the realm of a religious group of people," because that's a good way to say a thing in English. Then he bragged about his poll numbers and talked the "manifesto" (still don't fucking know) and talked about Joe Biden thumping baby Jesus right behind his ears and ...

Trump said more gibberish about how he had to do an executive order to cover pre-existing conditions, even though that is literally what Obamacare does, and he's been trying to murder Obamacare since the beginning. (And is doing it right now.) He claimed that when he said nobody had ever done that before, all he meant was nobody had ever done an executive order on it, we guess because of how they passed and signed a law instead. They really have him convinced that his HEREBY ORDERS mean something, don't they?

And finally, we are going to have MUCH MORE on this later today, but here is the part where Trump says "the Democrats are meddling" in our elections, because they want to do mail-in ballots. We will have more on what Trump is doing to the post office right now to steal the election, and we will have more as it relates to the statement from National Counterintelligence and Security Center (NCSC) director William Evanina confirming that Russia is actively attacking the election to help Trump.

In this clip, note how Trump says China and Iran are also meddling in the election, which is not what Evanina's statement said at all. This is going to be part of Trump's game, though — sure, Russia helped him, but also too, China and Iran helped Joe Biden! (Even though there is no evidence China and Iran are actually attacking the election the way Russia is.)

Just watch.

There is no aspect of this election Trump will not work to undermine, like the dumbfuck authoritarian shitheel he is.

Aren't you glad Trump didn't stay in the bunker hiding, allegedly, but instead came back to finish his press conference? Oh boy, what a treat.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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