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Oh hey, Donald Trump's very good brain is even more batshit than usual today, if you can believe it. Twice this morning, first when he left the White House, and then when he was about to board Air Force One to go say "PEW PEW! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MY YOOGE ELECTORAL COLLEGE WIN IN 2016? WITCH HUNT! KANYE IS MY FRIEND!" at the NRA convention in Dallas, he answered some questions about Michael Cohen, Stormy Daniels, and Rudy Giuliani, and the point he needed to make was that Rudy Giuliani is WRONG and STUPID and BRAND NEW AT THIS and THE BEST PEOPLE and MY FAVORITE SLEEPOVER FRIEND who is a LIAR. Look, this totally makes sense, if you are one of the horseflies that lives in the president's brain cavity:

“He started yesterday. He will get his facts straight,” Trump said while leaving the White House ...

ACTUALLY they've been working together since around April 19, and unofficially before that, which is not "yesterday," so that's a lie.

“Virtually everything that’s been said has been said incorrectly.”

Which part, lovebug? Because Giuliani said on "Hannity" that the Cohen payout to Stormy Daniels and your reimbursement for same had nothing to do with the campaign, but the next morning on "Fox & Friends" was like "OMG, can you imagine if that gross lady came forward during one of the campaign debates? That woulda been bad for the campaign, even though this has nothing to do with the campaign!"

WHICH PART, ASSHOLE?

Never mind, next question, which is WHY YOU LYIN'? And why did Trump lie a few weeks back on Air Force One, saying he didn't know anything about the Stormy Daniels payment he was a party to? WHY, ASSHOLE, WHY?

“I didn’t change any story."

You did, Emperor Dementia Poops, you did.

I’m telling you this country is growing so fast and to be bringing up that kind of crap and witch hunt all the time … that’s all you want to talk about”

You are doing nothing good for the country, so please go eat shit.

“When Rudy made the statement, he had just started and wasn’t totally familiar with everything."

April 19, asshole.

"And Rudy, we love Rudy, he is a special guy. What he really understands is this is a witch hunt."

Rudy Giuliani is not a "special guy," he's a malicious old geezer who seems to have been dropped on his head as a senior citizen, so LIE LIE LIE.

Before we get to Rudy Giuliani's big correction (because of course he has issued a correction), Think Progress flags an interview with NBC News where Giuliani "clarifies," saying that Trump was sending Cohen all that money, but he didn't know what it was for. Also, he was just holding these marijuanas for his friend, honest, Officer!

“I don't think the president realized he paid him (Cohen) back for that specific thing until we (his legal team) made him aware of the paperwork,” he said.

Giuliani said the president responded, "Oh my goodness, I guess that's what it was for.”

OH MY GOODNESS!

Giuliani the idiot has now issued a "correction," explaining that "NO CAMPAIGN VIOLATION, NO CAMPAIGN VIOLATION, YOU ARE A CAMPAIGN VIOLATION," which is exactly what he said on "Hannity." He is simply adding that Cohen would have paid off the porn lady regardless of whether there was a campaign, and Trump woulda reimbursed him no matter what. (But for real though, that woulda sucked if it had come out during that last debate, RIIIIIIIIGHT? NO CAMPAIGN VIOLATION!)

Giuliani suggests they're going back to the original lie from Air Force One that Trump just found out Michael Cohen gave a porn lady $130,000 to make her stop saying the president put his baby hamster dick in her, and that he had NO IDEA what his reimbursement (a total of $420,000) to Cohen was for.

Finally, he says Trump didn't commit obstruction of justice with James Comey because Comey is very stinky. Giuliani's statement finishes with, "In conclusion, 9/11," because that is how Rudy Giuliani finishes statements, corrections, prayers, and Taco Bell orders.

Here's the "correction":

And that is your update on how the president is full of shit, and everybody he's ever met is full of shit, and everything is terrible and horrible and we are going to start drinking now because it's Friday, THE END.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[Think Progress]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Let the quitfiring begin! Donald Trump's own internal polls are shit, so obviously it's time to fire the pollsters. Last week, the New York Times reported that Trump is freaking out and using his ancient, unsecured cellphone to make late night booty calls to his old pals for a little rub and tug to his ego. Russia, if you're listening ... and we know you are.

The Ego in Chief is flipping his shit because his own pollster Tony Fabrizio -- of Paul Manafort kickback and internal polling shared with Russians fame -- showed Trump trailing Biden badly this March in 11 swing states, with close races in six others. Trump's campaign manager Brad "Pube Beard" Parscale has been bragging about expanding his campaign into New Mexico, New Hampshire, and Nevada, at the same time his internal polls show them losing Pennsylvania by 16, Wisconsin by 11, Minnesota by 14, Michigan by 13, North Carolina by 8, Virginia by 17, and Ohio by 1. Fabrizio even showed him losing Georgia by 6!

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