Trump Signs Russian Sanctions With Tiny Fingers Crossed Behind His Back
Congress just banned this, because Congress is mean.
Well, folks, the deed is done. Wednesday morning, Donald Trump concentrated real hard and imagined his balls were as big as Hillary Clinton's, in order to muster up the courage to sign the Russian (and Iranian and North Korean) sanctions bill Congress passed by a margin of Everyone to A Handful Of Dumbasses and sent to his desk. He really didn't have a choice, since veto-proof majorities are, by definition, veto-proof. But we imagine he was a-skeered!
First of all, Vladimir Putin told him Russia didn't meddle in the 2016 election, so why would he press his luck by punishing Russia for something it definitely did not do? Second, Russia has been retaliating against the sanctions bill, and Trump has been too much of a pussy to say anything about it. Third, isn't his entire presidency ALLEGEDLY predicated on a quid pro quo that says Russia will help Trump become president if he lifts the sanctions? We don't know, we are just asking! But he, his dildo-headed son Junior and certain literal actual foreign agents who used to be his national security adviser sure do like to talk about getting rid of those sanctions to please their Russian BFFs.
Lastly, was Putin watching him in the Oval Office RIGHT THEN through Obama's "wire tapps," to see what he would do? SO FRIGHTENING!
Instead of just signing the bill, President Fuckhead stapled a semi-literate signing statement on it. Or rather, he issued TWO statements, within a minute of each other. As Daniel Dale of the Toronto Star notes, one is written more legal-like, and the other one is Trump bragging about his great big company. We'll start with that one:
We transcribed you some excerpts, because we're sweet like that:
... [T]he bill remains seriously flawed -- particularly because it encroaches on the executive branch's authority to negotiate. Congress could not even negotiate a healthcare bill after seven years of talking. [...]
Yet despite its problems, I am signing this bill for the sake of national unity. [...]
I built a truly great company worth many billions of dollars. That is a big part of the reason I was elected. As President, I can make far better deals with foreign countries than Congress.
That last bit, it's almost like he wroted it all by hisself! (Because he obviously did.) We also like how he signed it "for the sake of national unity," and not because Congress stuck his dick in a blender and was threatening to plug it in.
As for him making "far better deals," is he talking about how he's giving Russia back the Russian spy houses Obama took away to punish the nation for its meddling in the election, in exchange for NOTHING? Because that's a shitty deal, just like all Trump's shitty deals are shitty, because alas, the man's not a closer.
Here's the other statement:
You see the part a nice reporter from the Guardian helpfully highlighted? The part about how his administration "will give careful and respectful consideration to the preferences expressed by Congress" in this bill, WHICH IS NOW FUCKING LAW? It's almost like Donald Trump doesn't know how presidenting works, not even a little bit.
It's clear Trump signed this bill with his tiny fingers crossed behind his voluminous hind quarters. Will that be enough to make Vladimir Putin happy? Will Putin keep the (alleged!) pee tape (that doesn't even exist, because Trump is a germophobe, you guys, UNLESS IT DOES EXIST) under lock and key? Or will it come out this afternoon? What teevee show will be interrupted by breaking news about a video of Trump (ALLEGEDLY!) yellow-water rafting down a waterfall of Russian hooker pee? We are just asking!
Asked whether Trump
begged Putin for mercy spoke to Putin before signing the bill, Kellyanne Conway said she couldn't possibly answer that question.
We'll leave you with two tweets we saw on the world wide web, because they made us laugh:
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