Trump So Mad At Nick Ayers He Might Not Even Eat 10 Big Macs Today

Donald Trump, whose political instincts are approximately as good as his "don't obstruct justice on Twitter" instincts and his "how to hire a good lawyer" instincts, is ANGRY. You see, he really thought Nick Ayers, Mike Pence's chief of staff, was super excited to become his new chief of staff, but it turned out Nick Ayers is a political operative who'd like to have a career after the Trump presidency self-destructs, so Nick Ayers told him to fuck off. And Ayers said it like a surprise, on Twitter! The way Trump does! ASSHOLE.

And as all the major media organizations are reporting, Trump didn't have a Plan B. (Which is why he's probably paid for so many abortions and lied to his evangelical followers about it, BA-DUM CHING, ALLEGEDLY!)

CNN says Trump is "super pissed," and that he had already given Nick Ayers his first work assignment, before Nick Ayers left him on his ass. Another source CNN talked to said Trump feels humiliated, and that's on top of the normal humiliation of waking up every day and looking in the mirror and seeing that you're still Donald Trump.

It's not that Trump is so mad he's gonna explode or anything, because at least Nick Ayers is going to run Trump's re-election super PAC. BUT GRRR ARGH ANYWAY.

As for the search for a chief of staff, well ... it's not going so well, because nobody wants to work for the smoldering trashfire that is the Trump White House. Steven Mnuchin, Mick Mulvaney and Robert Lighthizer all are telling Trump to fuck off. So is Randy Levine, president of the New York Yankees.

Sure, House Freedom Caucus idiot Mark Meadows is salivating for it, because Mark Meadows is a very stupid and sycophantic man who just wants to be near Donald Trump always. Acting Attorney General Meatball is still on the list, because he's such a good little Meatball. Piers Morgan is begging for the job on the internet, so that's pathetic, but we think he's trying to be #humorous, so that's also pathetic.

Here is the rest of The List, as reported by the Washington Post:

David N. Bossie, Trump's former deputy campaign manager and an outside adviser; White House counselor Kellyanne Conway; Chris Christie, a former New Jersey governor and former Trump transition chairman; Energy Secretary Rick Perry, a former Texas governor; Rick Santorum, a former U.S. senator from Pennsylvania; and Wayne Berman, an executive at the investment firm Blackstone and a veteran Republican operative.

Wow, that is a damaged, discontinued clearance rack full of deplorables. But reportedly there are some names we don't even know yet, so maybe they are the "best people"? (NARRATOR: They are not.)

Angelina Jolie's unstable dad, Jon Voight, was at the White House yesterday. Maybe he was interviewing for the position?

Trump lied and tweeted on Tuesday morning that people are just kicking down his door for the job, stating that "many, over ten" are competing for it. Poor thing thinks he's still hosting "The Celebrity Apprentice."

But maybe there really are ten people? Let's count up, based on the ones we know of and the ones we are just wildly speculating probably want the job.

1. Mark Meadows.

2. Meatball.

3. David Bossie, maybe?

4. Kellyanne, except they don't even know if she wants the job.

5. Rick Perry, OK sure LOL.

6. Chris Christie, except Jared hates him so nope.

7. Rick Santorum? Really?

8. Wayne Berman.

9. Piers Morgan.

10. Jon Voight.

11. Diamond.

12. Silk.

13. Jacob Wohl.

14. David Duke.

15. Ted Nugent.

We take it back. Sounds like we got a real competition here!

Except, meh, fuck it, Trump already has a chief of staff, and his name is Vladimir Putin. Search over! Take down that Craigslist ad, Mr. President!

As for John Kelly, who is quit-fired and getting the fuck out of here by the end of the year? Tell us a scoop, New York Times!!

Mr. Kelly, meanwhile, is said to be furious with Ms. Trump and Mr. Kushner. One senior administration official said that Mr. Kelly was known to have kept written notes about Mr. Kushner and Ms. Trump and the things that they had done or requested, which he conspicuously left on his desk in view of his staff.

John Kelly's book is gonna be LIT, Y'ALL.

[Washington Post / New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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