President Words-Stupid Sorry For Being Total Fuck-Up Just This One Time Ever

Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

This is a video of a president who is being forced to do something he does not want to do:

Trump began by saying that out of all his visits with foreigners over this past week, meeting with Putin was his favorite, because OMG PUTIN IS DREAMY!

Then he read off the page that he has "full faith and support for America's intelligence agencies," and immediately the lights in the room went off, apparently because the ghosts of every dead American president are SICK OF THIS SHIT. That or Stephen Miller walked through the door and his rancid aura briefly murdered the electricity. For real, the lights went off:

Trump said he "accepts our intelligence community's conclusion" that Russia meddled. BUT THEN he said it "could be other people also" because there are "a lot of people out there." (400 pound hackers! Chinese people! Hillary! Deep State!) AND THEN he said that most importantly, THERE WAS NO COLLUSION, everybody agrees there was no collusion, even the Democrats say NO COLLUSION!

Now, that part was not actually in his prepared remarks. He apparently wrote that on the paper himself, just so he would remember to say "NO COLLUSION." And of course he misspelled "collusion," because he's a fucking moron:

Let's take a closer look at that script, shall we? Because on top of "NO COLUSION," the supposed leader of the free world SCRATCHED OUT A PART ABOUT HOW HE WOULD BRING THOSE WHO MEDDLED IN OUR ELECTIONS TO JUSTICE:

Trump then said he had reviewed the transcript of everything he said in front of Putin and found the ONE problematic part. You see, yesterday, he said this:

Dan Coats came to me and some others, they said they think it's Russia. I have President Putin; he just said it's not Russia.

I will say this: I don't see any reason why it would be.

But he MEANT to say, "I don't see any reason why it wouldn't be." See? All better now! It was just a common fuck-up from a common fuck-up! Can Trump go back to being a YOOGE BIGLY BEST American president in the streets and a Russian intelligence asset between the sheets now?

Trump continued reading the words on the page, swearing up and down he will both "repeal" and "repel" any kind of Russian interference in upcoming elections, because you know Trump has a really weird fucking tic when he reads words wrong. Chris Hayes had a whole "Thing 1 Thing 2" segment about it one time, which you should watch because it is hilarious:

Trump concluded today's address by blaming it all on Obama and saying NO COLLUSION a whole bunch more.

Media? Do not fucking fall for this. Do not play this clip over and over again and act like our manipulative tinpot dicator wannabe actually fixed a thing by saying he should've said "wouldn't" instead of "would." Hell, he's said and tweeted MANY TIMES in the past that Putin denies meddling in the election, and he says it because HE IS STUPID OR HE IS LYING AND ALSO BOTH. He believes Putin, or he says he believes Putin because Putin told him that's what he's supposed to believe, because Putin has some serious shit on him.

In summary and in conclusion, fuck everything this dumbass traitor says.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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