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Happy Sunday, Wonkers! Is it snowing where you are? Are you stuck in the house? Let's beat the boredom with a little game called So You Think You Can President. For five thousand Wonkette NO DOLLARS: Are you a clandestine Russian asset who sold out your country to benefit Vladimir Putin?

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... tick tock, tick tock

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Okay, pencils down!

Was your answer more than two letters long? Congratulations, you go directly to jail! And take Donald Trump with you.


PIRRO: The New York Times reported that the FBI opened a counterintelligence investigation the day after you fired James Comey in May of '17. And the investigation was whether you were actively working for Russia, or unwittingly. So I'm going to ask you, are you now or have you ever worked for Russia, Mister President?

TRUMP: I think it's the most insulting thing I've ever been asked. I think it's the most insulting article I've ever had written. And if you read the article you'll see that they found absolutely nothing. But the headline of that article -- it's called the failing New York Times for a reason. They've gotten me wrong for three years. They've actually gotten me wrong for many years before that!

Not hearing a denial here. Just the standard, spittle-flecked arglebargle about LYIN' JAMES COMEY and the FBI LOVERS and CROOKIT HILL'RY. Then some more nonsense about being "tougher on Russia than anyone else, probably than any other president in history." Which is totally true if you forget about Trump ignoring Russian annexation of huge chunks of Crimea and blockading the Sea of Azov, withdrawing troops from Syria and giving the Russians a free hand, constantly deriding NATO, taking the word of Putin over the unanimous conclusion of the American intelligence community about election hacking, having to be dragged into signing sanctions kicking and screaming by a veto-proof majority, and that wet blowie last week where the Treasury tried to un-sanction Putin's pal Oleg Deripaska. NO COLLUSION! But other than that, yeah Trump is much tougher on Russia than the Obama administration, which actually enacted the Magnitsky Act sanctions in the first place. You bet!

Trump went on "Judge" Jeanine Pirro's Hour of Howler Monkey Power last night, to see if he could out-crazy Ol' Crazy Eyes. It was a tough fight!

Egged on by Pirro's maniac screeching, Trump encouraged listeners to "look into" Michael Cohen's father-in-law in advance of his testimony to the House Judiciary Commitee February 7.

PIRRO: Theyr'e dragging in Michael Cohen, an already proven liar. Are you worried that he's ...

TRUMP: No. Look, I was a client of his, and you're supposed to have lawyer-client privilege, but it doesn't matter because I'm a very honest person, frankly. But he's in trouble on some loans and fraud and taxi cabs, stuff that I know nothing about.

PIRRO: Those taxi medallions.

TRUMP: And in order to get his sentence reduced, he says, 'I have an idea, I'll give you some information on the president.' Well, there is no information. But, he should give information maybe on his father-in-law, because that's the one that people want to look at. Because where does that money -- that's the money of the family -- and I guess he didn't want to talk about his father-in-law. He's trying to get his sentence reduced, so it's pretty sad. He's, you know, weak. And it's very sad to watch a thing like that.

PIRRO: What is his father-in-law's name?

TRUMP: I don't know. But you'll find out, and you'll look into it, because nobody knows what's going on over there.

Love the smell of witness intimidation in the morning! Why yes, the president of the United States just went on national television to discredit a witness who taped him arranging to buy the story of a Playboy model he bumped bits with by calling in a troll storm on the witness's family. Michael Cohen's father-in-law Fima Shusterman owns four condos in Trump World Tower in New York, and his 1990s conviction for tax fraud and money laundering is likely to top the wingnut playlist this month since Trump put out the harassment bat signal to the pitchfork nazis in his base. Watch out, Don, Jr, because karma does not forget.

There was infinity crazy on display, including Trump citing Fox loon Gregg Jarrett and fired-NRA hack Dan Bongino as experts on the "total hoax" Russia investigation, Trump's massive electoral college win in 2016, human traffickers raping women with duct tape on their mouths, Trump's "good genes," Nancy Pelosi going to Puerto Rico for a fundraiser when she should be home helping him to loot the island's hurricane recovery funds for WALL, and a giant whopper about Trump's secret conversation in Helsinki with Putin being "totally up for grabs," despite the fact that he took the interpreter's notes and swore her to secrecy after the meeting. (More on that one in the morning.)

We leave you with this gem from President Goodbrain, who claims not to have left the White House "in months," despite having traveled to Texas on Thursday for a WALL photo op, and made trips to Quantico, Camp David and Iraq in the past month. Guess it doesn't count if you don't get to drag your bloated carcass around a golf course in Florida while bilking the secret service for cart rentals.

NO DEMENTIA! NO DEMENTIA! YOU ARE THE DEMENTIA! And if you would like some dementia of your very own, watching the entire interview should probably do the trick. But seriously, don't. One minute you're listening to Pirro shout about liberals, the next you're taking out a reverse mortgage, buying gold futures from G. Gordon Liddy, and shitting in your Depends about SKEEERY MUSLINS FROM MESSICO. A mind is a terrible thing to waste!

AND NOW, your open thread!

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