Trump Stumbles Into Wedding, Gives Incoherent Toast To Himself
You know, Donald Trump is bad at most things, but one thing he does deserve credit for is always being able to perfectly recreate the incredibly awkward feeling of being stuck in a conversation with a person you didn't realize was that drunk when you first started talking to them.
This Saturday, prominent Trump donors Megan Noderer and John Arrigo got hitched at Mar-a-Lago. During the reception, Trump was reportedly invited on stage to give a toast to the happy couple, and ended up just weirdly rambling on and on about himself and Joe Biden and Iran and the election being stolen from him. He also had a lot to say about some dude named Jim.
And if it is at all possible, he's even less coherent than he was when he was President. It's like a grand dame guignol if no one in the movie were at all talented.
Transcript via Newsweek:
"Y'know, I just got, I turned off the news, I get all these flash reports, and they're telling me about the border, they're telling me about China, they're telling me about Iran—how're we doing with Iran, howdya like that?" [crowd boos]
Does he think the people on the news are speaking to him directly?
"Boy, they were ready to make a deal, they woulda done anything, they woulda done anything, and this guy goes and drops the sanctions and then he says, 'We'd love to negotiate now,' [and Iran says], 'We're not dealing with the United States at all,' oh, well, they don't want to deal with us."
"And China, the same thing, they never treated us that way, right? You saw what happened a few days ago, was terrible, and uh, the border is not good, the border is the worst anybody's ever seen it, and what you see now, multiply it times 10, Jim. You would know how it handle it—he's the only one I know who would handle the border tougher than me."
Oh yeah. Jim! Jim knows how to handle all of that stuff. Good old Jim. Jim the Fish. We all know Jim.
"We have to, and the tough is... in the most humanitarian way, because that's what it is. What's happening to the kids, they're living in squalor, they are living like nobody has ever seen anybody, there's never been anything like what's, and you're gonna have hundreds, and you have it now, they have the airplane photos, the shocks, and they call 'em shocks, and these things are showing thousands and thousands of people coming up from South America and it's gonna be, it's just uh, look, it's a disaster. It's a humanitarian disaster from their standpoint, and it's gonna destroy the country, and frankly, the country can't afford it because you're talking about massive, just incredibly massive amounts. Our school systems, our hospital systems, everything."
Those were definitely some words. Words that appeared to be about immigration. Beyond that, I really could not tell you.
"So it's a rough thing, and I just say, 'Do you miss me yet?'" [Audience applause]
"As we were saying, we did get 75 million votes, nobody's ever gotten that. They said, 'Get 66 million votes, sir, and the election's over.' We got 75 million and they said... 'but you know, you saw what happened', 10:30 in the evening, all of a sudden I said, 'That's a strange thing, why are they closing up certain places, right?'"
The problem with elections, of course, is that if you get 66 million or 75 million votes and the other person gets more than you, you still lose.
He then finally got around to mentioning that he was at a wedding and there was a couple he was supposed to be toasting.
"Now, a lot of things are happening right now, I just wanted to say, it's an honor to be here, it's an honor to have you at Mar-a-Lago, you are a great and beautiful couple."
You know, I liked this song a lot better when Elaine Stritch sang it.
And one for Mahler!
As you will notice, Trump did not actually mention the couple's names during the toast that was supposed to be about them. Did he maybe think John Arrigo's name was Jim? That seems fairly plausible. Personally, I prefer to think Jim was just some guy he ended up cornering in the buffet line at the wedding.
We haven't heard anything new about the social media company Trump is supposedly starting, but the best thing for America would probably be if Trump could relegate himself to being weird at other people's weddings and planning "projects" that never come to fruition.
Better that than telling his followers to invade the Capitol.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse