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Holy fuck, Donald Trump sat down and talked to a newspaper again, and it was the Washington Post. It went as well as it always does, but it does seem like Trump is sliding (further) into senility, which sucks for him because he didn't have a very good brain to start with. His comments on climate change were batshit enough to warrant their own Wonkette blog post, which you can read in its entirety in like half an hour (and his comments on having to fire Janet Yellen for being a SHORT LADY got one already). But suffice it to say he's TOO SMART to believe in climate change, and that's one of the problems with the climate change debate, it's people like him who are just too dang smart. Also our air and water are "record clean," and would be even cleaner if it weren't for the wind bringing grossness from Asia over the oceans, which for the purposes of this argument are very small. (When we are trying to get hurricane relief supplies to Puerto Rico, oceans are big.)

Also he says the "articles" say the planets (plural) are going to "freeze to death" and also "die of heat exhaustion."

And only rakes can prevent forest fires. Yep, he said it again.

ANYWAY, in this post we will talk about Trump's comments about the Robert Mueller investigation, the Jamal Khashoggi murder, and how he is very mad at Vladimir Putin right now, because GRRRRR. (Don't worry, Vlad, he's over it by now, but you probably know that anyway from listening to the "wire tapps" in his office.)

Let's start with the Putin shit!


This week, Trump tried to frame Vladimir Putin's illegal seizure of Ukrainian naval ships and kidnapping of Ukrainian sailors in the Kerch Strait as some sort of Both Sides Do It issue, because it literally kills him to say anything halfway mean about Vladimir Putin, who is his real dad. But as of last night, Trump was wondering whether maybe Putin did a bad thing and threatening to stay in his hotel room and wash his hair instead of having a tryst with Putin at the G20:

TRUMP: I am getting a report on that tonight, and that will determine what happens at the meeting. I'm getting a full report on that tonight. That will be very determinative. Maybe I won't have the meeting. Maybe I won't even have the meeting. We're going to see. But depending on what comes out tonight, we should have a pretty good indication on exactly what happened tonight at about 6 o'clock.

NARRATOR: He's having the meeting.

Trump immediately pivoted to blaming Germany for not paying enough into NATO, because Trump thinks there is a NATO checking account at the Bank of America and Germany doesn't direct deposit enough Euros into it. He is dumb as a bag of syphilitic hammers.

Now let's do the Bone Saw shit!

As far as Trump's continued decision to roll over for Mohammed Bone Saw in Saudi Arabia and keep covering up how MBS ordered the murder of a legal American resident, his explanations are changing, because his brain is broken. Before, he was saying that we have to be nice to the Saudis because they keep our gas prices low (wrong), and that the CIA isn't even sure MBS ordered Bone Saw murders on Uber Eats (wrong). Now he's saying actually America is the fuckin' King of Saudi Arabia when it comes to energy production, so it doesn't matter all that much ...

Oil is becoming less and less of a reason because we're producing more oil now than we've ever produced. So, you know, all of a sudden it gets to a point where you don't have to stay there.

Except for how it totally matters, because Israel. And the crown prince himself, whom Jared braids hair with on secret vacations?

I know him. I know him well, the crown prince.

Except not really, he doesn't know him:

And, by the way, never did business with them, never intend to do business with them. I couldn't care less. This is a very important job that I'm doing right now. The last thing I care about is doing business with people. I only do business for us. Somebody said, well, maybe they're an investor in one of his jobs. The answer is no.

FACTCHECK the Saudis own his ass, possibly in more ways than one.

Anyway, what was Trump saying five minutes ago about how we make all the energy, so we don't necessarily need the Saudis?

I'm saying this: We have $52-a-barrel oil right now and I called them about three months ago, before this whole thing happened with Khashoggi, and I let him have it about oil. We were up to $82 — probably two and a half months ago — we were up to $82 a barrel, and it was going up to $100, and that would've been like a massive tax increase, and I didn't want that. And I called them and they let the oil start flowing, and we're at $52.

Love it when Trump unplugs his brain and then plugs it back in to get a better connection in front of journalists. Trump also says that the Saudis are investing SEVEN KABILLION DOLLARS in America right now, a statement the Washington Post's factcheckers calls "fantasy." (Because it is fantasy. Trump has basically made up an arms deal that doesn't actually exist, OH WELL, HE'S A FUCKIN' MORON, WHATCHA GONNA DO?)

Is Trump going to meet with MBS at the G20? He hopes so!

And why does Trump yet again believe a thug dictator over the assessment of his own CIA?

If you look at my statement, it's maybe he did and maybe he didn't. But he denies it. And people around him deny it. And the CIA did not say affirmatively he did it, either, by the way. I'm not saying that they're saying he didn't do it, but they didn't say it affirmatively.

And lots of people say Russia meddled in the election, but Putin's got his hand up Trump's ass right now and he's whispering that he didn't do it, so who you gonna believe? (The autocratic dictator, 100 percent of the time.)

And finally, the Mueller shit!

For once, Trump was judicious in not talking about Paul Manafort's ongoing court case, or the fact that Manafort just blew up his own plea agreement by trying to play both sides and lying repeatedly to Robert Mueller's team. Either that or Trump's rent-a-lawyers managed to sneak a Bluetooth vibrator up the president's ass and were behind the curtains, threatening to press play on the president's butt if he spoke on the record about it. Either way, not much news there. He wouldn't say whether or not he was thinking of pardoning Manafort, which is probably wise, since now everybody knows the Manafort team was letting Trump's legal team cheat off its homework, and that may have influenced the lies Trump submitted in response to Mueller's questions about NO COLLUSION.

He talked about Meatball though. ("Meatball" is Wonkette's name for Matthew Whitaker, the pretend acting attorney general who licks Trump's ass and was installed entirely to try to quash the Mueller investigation.)

TRUMP: I can tell you that Matt Whitaker is a respected man.

He's doing an excellent job.

And within — I will tell you, within the Justice Department he is a highly respected person, and he's doing a very good job.

I also think he's a very good person. I think he's a very good person.

And he had a reputation for being — I think he was six years in Iowa as the U.S. attorney. He had a reputation for being very strong, very smart, very good.

The Washington Post notes that it gave Trump "two chances" to say whether he's talking to Meatball about the Mueller investigation, and two times he basically ignored the question.

He also didn't pledge to keep his tiny dirty hands off the investigation, but it's probably fine, because Meatball has his Ragù-covered Meatball hands all over it.

Good interview, Donald Trump, please do another!

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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