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Donald Trump scored the most pathetic loss of his presidency on Friday, after holding the government hostage for 35 days to get WALL, by striking a "deal" in which the government would reopen and he would not get WALL. It was a win-win for America! So obviously Trump spent the weekend doing a victory lap, to celebrate his continued status as a big loser.

In case you zoned out, the second part of that tweet says "Don't know how my poll numbers are so good, especially up 19% with Hispanics?"

But before that, he's whining at Fox News, because even Fox News is having a hard time spinning the events of the past few days as anything but a ginormous loss for President Wall Baby.

Anyway, Trump is in la-la land, as usual. His poll numbers are in a shithole, where they always are. His biggest supporters are super upset, though some of them are doing that psychological thing they do where they explain that this is all PART OF THE PLAN, and that Democrats ain't gonna know what hit them when President Super Computer tricks them into giving him everything he wants.

All of this means it was a good time for Trump to sit down with the Wall Street Journal to talk about how losing is the new winning!


Mr. Trump, in an interview, assessed the chances of whether a newly formed group of 17 lawmakers could craft a deal before the next government-funding lapse, in less than three weeks: "I personally think it's less than 50-50, but you have a lot of very good people on that board."

Zero. The percentage chance that Trump is going to get WALL is zero. Nancy Pelosi has been extremely fucking clear about this. And the spoiler alert of the season is that Republicans in Congress don't really care about Trump getting WALL if it doesn't benefit them politically. Democrats control the House, and while the Senate technically is under stronger Republican control than it was one month ago, far more Senate Republicans are vulnerable in 2020 than they were in 2018, which suggests Trump's big "win" in the Senate might not turn out to be a win at all.

Pop quiz: Which bill on Thursday got more votes to reopen the government? The Republican one or the Democratic one? Mm hmm.

Will Trump take less than $5.7 billion for WALL? "I doubt it," he says.

What if he gets LI'L BIT OF WALL, in exchange for giving the DREAMers citizenship? "I doubt it," he says.

What if Ann Coulter keeps making fun of him on Twitter so much every day? "I hear she's become very hostile," he says. "Maybe I didn't return her phone call or something." (That is Trump's impression of somebody who totally doesn't care at all, not even a little bit.)

And what if he gets nothing? Oh it's fine, he's just going to declare a NATIONAL EMERGY, which is super legit because the shutdown lasted 35 days, and now the government is back open for three weeks, and everybody knows the appropriate amount of time to wait to declare a NATIONAL EMERGY is 35 days plus three more weeks, especially if the president is openly and obviously doing it because he's having a temper tantrum.

But honestly? We're not sure he even has the spine to declare a NATIONAL EMERGY. We've seen many times with this "president" that he's got a shitload of bark, like he incessantly barks at fucking clouds, to the point that it's like STFU YOU SENILE OLD GOAT, but he really doesn't have a lot of bite.

And on Friday, he caved to his real boss Nancy Pelosi so hard he's got a family of bears hibernating for the winter inside him RIGHT NOW. (Because bears hibernate in CAVES. Get it? BEAR JOKES.) This shutdown is still extremely fresh, and nobody is in the mood to do it all over again, especially because Republicans in Congress don't actually give a fuck about his vanity wall, and they're well aware that unlike pretty much every other shutdown in history, people are going to remember this one when they go to the polls next November.

Mostly because Democrats are going to remind them all the fucking time.

So yeah. If we were a bettin' man, we'd say the government's staying open and that Trump is getting nothing. Enjoy the part of your presidency when you get REALLY irrelevant, Trump!

President Pelosi will take it from here.

[Wall Street Journal]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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