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We are starting to get hilarious palace intrigue tick-tock accounts of who in the White House was so stupid as to let Donald Trump sit for 18 taped interviews with Bob Woodward. The answer, as you might imagine, is that Donald Trump was so stupid as to let Donald Trump sit for 18 taped interviews with Bob Woodward. He gave Bob his private cell phone number. He thought he would impress Bob.

Donald Trump hates the media, but he also craaaaaaaaaves the media's approval. On top of that, Trump is a very stupid man who thinks he is smart, who thinks his very good brain inspires awe, who thinks he speaks good English, who thinks he's a human people like. If he ever admitted to himself how pathetic he really is, he'd immediately spontaneously implode into an orange pile of shit and dust.

During Trump's morning (allegedly!) Adderall 'n' Twitter session, after obsessively retweeting Mollie Hemingway tweets from August 26 and saying weird shit about how awesome Kim Jong-un is, he threw out this thing that one person on the internet noted reads like a "taunting note from a serial killer":

And yesterday, Trump whined about Woodward's "boring" book, and insisted he definitely won't read it (probably because he can't).

Oh but yet!

CNN reports that Trump was REAL MAD he didn't get to talk to Bob Woodward for his first book about the Trump presidency. That one made him look very bad! CNN says "this was supposed to be the do-over," and that Trump was just so sure that if he talked to Woodward a lot this time, it "would provide the best chance of securing a positive take on his rollicking tenure." The Daily Beast reports he was "ecstatic" about the opportunity, according to a White House official.

That's right, because when Trump talks, he makes it better.

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And now everybody in the White House is like "YOU let him do it!" and "No, YOU let him do it!" and we imagine by the end of this Stephen Miller and Mark Meadows are going to end up oil-wrestling-mad at each other, at least until one of 'em pops an accident boner, allegedly.

Fingers have been thrust at ex-press secretaries, longtime confidants and old friends.

Oh no, not fingers a-thrust!

But no, this was Trump:

[P]eople familiar with the situation say it is Trump himself who ultimately determined at the outset he could talk Woodward into writing a positive portrayal of his administration, reckoning the powers of salesmanship that have sustained him his entire adult life would yield another unlikely success.

This is what happens when your entire life people have been lying to you and saying you're doing a good job and you're smart and that you deserve your "success," rather than saying the truth, which is that you're nothing without the money Daddy gave you, and that you've failed ever since.

So Trump would call Woodward late at night and talk about how cool he is, and try to impress him by leaking American nuclear secrets, the way he tried to impress the Russians in the Oval Office by leaking code-word level intel from our allies the Israelis. And he would confess he'd been lying to the American people the whole time about how coronavirus could kill them, which has directly led to the deaths of 190,000 people who were sons, daughters, grandmas, grandpas, moms, dads.

This was his plan. Again, he gave Bob his personal cell number.

He wouldn't tell anybody he was calling Bob. He would just call Bob.

At some point, as the Beast reports, Trump seems to have figured out that actually maybe Bob Woodward wasn't that impressed, which is why he started rage-tweeting about Woodward last month.

Annnnnyway, all of this totally caught the White House with its panties around its ankles. Nobody knew what the fuck to say, so they just lied as usual. Kayleigh McEnany went up there and said NUH UH! Trump was not lying about how dangerous coronavirus was, he just was trying to tell folks to stay calm and don't panic. You know, kinda like when your house is on fire, and the fire department very calmly says "It's probably just a flu" and doesn't even bring hoses to your house.

Then Trump just fuckin' admitted yesterday that he had downplayed the coronavirus, just like he said on the Woodward tapes, after McEnany lied for him.

"The fact is, I'm a cheerleader for this country. I love our country, and I don't want people to be frightened. I don't want to create panic, as you say. Certainly I'm not going to drive this country or the world into a frenzy," said Trump, who is well known for how he just hates making people "frenzy" or "panic," except when he's telling his supporters that Antifa is coming to eat them in their beds or Black people are moving in next door.

Apparently the White House argued with itself about whose fault it was ALL DAY LONG. Probably still is arguing. Oh well, at least it probably distracted them from arguing about whose fault it was that The Atlantic published all those science facts about how Trump literally hates the troops.

They are mad at the former officials who don't work there anymore, who let Bob Woodward into the White House too much. They are mad at Lindsey Graham, who in one of his moments of kiss-ass-ing apparently told Trump he should totally talk to Woodward. (Tucker Carlson was V. MAD about this and yelled a whole lot at Lindsey on Fox News last night.)

Oh, and they all swear they told Trump it was a bad idea to talk to Bob Woodward all the time. After all, Trump isn't impressive to any sentient human being, but he's probably gonna be DOUBLEPLUS unimpressive to the fucking Watergate guy.

But as CNN says, "Trump rarely accepts communication advice that counters his own view of himself as a natural salesman."

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Oh Donald. You're not good enough, you're not smart enough, and doggone it, nobody likes you.



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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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