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Good Monday morning, Wonketariat! Are you ready for the eclipse later? Remember, don't look directly at the sun or you'll start to grow hair on your palms and go blind. Anyway, here's some of the things we may be talking about while waiting for the sun to disappear!


Trump and his family have left the Secret Service completely broke, and now they have to beg Congress for more money.

Trump is scheduled to unveil his Afghanistan strategy tonight in a primetime address that will be ignored by his base because it cuts into Monday night wrestling.

CNN will host a town hall with Paul Ryan tonight shortly after Trump's speech where he'll undoubtedly talk about his life long dream of grifting all the poor people.

NGOs and Congress are worried that Trump won't spend badly needed money allocated to federal agencies and programs due to his track record of doing as little as humanly possible

A 15-person Advisory Committee for the Sustained National Climate Assessment was disbanded now that climate change is no longer a problem. Suck it, ya' godless hippies!

Trump's LOW RATINGS continue to get worse as a new NBC News/Marist poll shows Trump's approval rating in Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, and Michigan is now below 40 percent.

Trump's is trying to kick his 2020 campaign into gear, assuming that the wheels won't fall off the wagon before it even gets moving.

Protests are expected in Phoenix where Trump is slated to hold a rally tomorrow with former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, and maybe pardon him. Pssst! Joe! Accepting a pardon means admitting guilt!

The USS John McCain (the boat, not the man) was struck by a merchant ship, leaving 10 sailors missing. For his part as POTUS, Trump said it's, "too bad," before someone swiped his phone and tweeted a statement that didn't sound like he was insulting the military. Again.

The Kennedy Center Honors will be Trump-free this year after after several honorees declined to visit the White House in protest.

Coincidentally, the entire membership of the President's Committee on Arts and Humanities resigned in a sternly worded rebuke that, artfully enough, spells out "RESIST" if you take the first letter of each paragraph.

A leaked 8-page memo detailing the responsibilities of Indiana Republican Rep. Todd Rokita's driver is the funniest and saddest thing you'll read all day. “The best way to make a good first impression is to look like we know what we are doing,” This memo may undermine that impression.

Who is Rinat Akhmetshin, besides a Republican lobbyist and former Soviet soldier who's spent decades screwing with US affairs for pro-Kremlin outcomes, and why is Robert Mueller poking around his past?

Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin is blaming a lack of Jesus for the "sanitization of history" and the rise of neo-Nazi mayhem.

The US will stop issuing non-immigrant visas in Moscow for about a week, and restrict access to visas elsewhere in Russia as a symbolic single-finger salute for neutering US embassy and consulate staff.

Those weird sonic attacks in Cuba affected more than 10 diplomats and their families. No es bueno! What? I SAID, "NO ES BUENO!"

The US and South Korea have begun a series of military drills while White House aides openly talk about "preventative war" in North Korea. Oh, Daisy.

Elon Musk is warning about the dangers of the robopocalyspe and joining 116 super nerds in calling for a ban on killer robots. We have 20 seconds to comply.

Breitbart is targeting the "globalists" in Trump's White House, like Gary Cohn and Princess Ivanka, and is preparing to go to WAR! on Fox and traditional Republicans by jumping in bed with Sinclair Broadcasting.

President Bannon wants to start a teevee network to raise a new generation of hybrid mutants, telling one outlet, "I feel jacked up...Now I'm free. I've got my hands back on my weapons..." Yes, he really said that.

A charming white supremacist was interviewed by a Univision reporter. He lovingly threatened "burn" her before calling her some lovely names. Bless his shriveled heart.

Brian Stelter opened his show questioning the mental health of Trump  in a fair and unbiased attempt to address questions of Trump's fitness to serve as commander in chief.

Jesse Watters is just beside himself about all the Democrats trying to remove those monuments to human slavery.

Newt Gingrich is learning how to sit down, shut up, and look pretty in the State Department's "Wives Seminar" while his wife gets ready to be the ambassador to the Vatican.

Wingnut Twitter ranter Mike Cernovich thinks Charlottesville was an inside job, and "If you are a 22-year-old kid and you don't have a trust fund, you're screwed man."

Dick Gregory and Jerry Lewis passed away this weekend and we haz profound sads. :(

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert talked about the temporary death of the sun later todayJimmy Kimmel unnecessarily censored some people; Bill Maher critiqued censorship "on many sides"; and John Oliver is rightfully scared shitless about nuclear waste.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Kitty adventures!

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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