I'm back, Wonkers! I swear I didn't get arrested, or super drunk, or find myself unable to retrieve unmentionables from my unmentionables. Anywho, here's some of the things we may be talking about today -- besides the Wonkette Party in Salt Lake City tonight, which the editrix says I have to remind you of.

Now that his memory has been jogged by endless media coverage of Cart Page's hilarious fuckups, Corey Lewandowski suddenly remembers Carter Page asking to fuck off to Russia last summer.

Investigators looking into Russian fuckery during the 2016 elections are now poking around the proposed changes to the RNC platform that Paul Manafort wanted last year.

A new report by the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO) says that killing the ACA mandate would save $338 million Ameros -- by leaving 13 million people without health insurance.

After witnessing their brutal beatdown in local elections Tuesday, Republicans up for reelection in 2018 are running scared of the Trump/Ryan tax cuts (for the super rich only).

As they continue to hemorrhage votes, Paul Ryan and Republicans are desperately trying to keep the Trump/Ryan tax cuts (for the super rich) from falling flat on its face.

The rumor mill around 1600 Penn. is that Trump may release his Middle East peace plan next week, but nobody is holding their breath as "the next two weeks" is Trump's favorite dodge.

Congress is trying to ram through changes to the Thrift Savings Plan because a minority of government and military retirees are butthurt about Uncle Sam telling them what to do with their government savings accounts.

People are caught between a rock and a hard place in opposing the merger between CNN and Time-Warner, because it would create a massive media conglomerate, and could be perceived as siding with Trump.

Sen. John McCain says that he won't support the nomination of Steven Engel to lead the Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel because of Engel's involvement in the 2007 torture memoenhanced interrogation memo. (Torture is the one thing John McCain's been right about from the beginning, having actually experienced it.)

Late last night, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee sent out a press release saying that Sen. Bob Corker will convene a hearing on Trump's ability to trigger a nuclear holocaust. It certainly looks like Bob Corker is...UNCHAINED!

In the wake of their hilariously obscene losses across the country, Republicans are playing the blame game.

FEMA is FINALLY airlifting people out of Puerto Rico. It's been two months since Hurricane Maria made landfall, and they still don't have water or power.

John Kelly's former aide Kirstjen Nielsen brushed the chips off of the shoulders of skeptical Senators, making all but certain she will be your new head of Homeland Security.

On his way out the door, IRS chief John Koskinen is slamming Congress, stating, "I want people to understand that there are ramifications to, in fact, underfunding the [the IRS]. If the agency fails and people are looking for fault, it will be the fault of the Congress...I am blaming Congress."

A new lawsuit is alleging that Oklahoma is creating debtors prisons through a cozy relationship between the Oklahoma Sheriff's Association and a court collection agency, Aberdeen Enterprizes II.

While in China, Trump thought it was a good idea to insult the United States, praise China, and blame everything on Obama (again). At least he didn't set anything on fire this time.

Trump and Putin are reportedly set to meet in Vietnam Friday at the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) conference, but REXXON says that meeting is still "under consideration" because they need to decide if there's anything of "sufficient substance" to talk about. (We suggest BOUNCY RUSSIAN BABIES, and also jail.)

UK Prime Minister Theresa May is having a bad week after losing two cabinet ministers -- the second coming just last night after International Development Secretary and pro-Brexit douchenozzle Priti Patel "You're Fired" herself over a scandal with Israeli officials.

A German court has ruled that binary genders are a violation of a person's privacy, forcing politicians to decide to create a third gender category for official documents, or to destroy them entirely.

Facebook's founding president (the other, other, other guy Zuckerberg screwed) Sean Parker says that Facebook is eating all of our brain meat.

A big defense contractor has been given many Ameros to build lasers for fighter jets to shoot anti-aircraft missiles out of the sky. It's not phasers and photon torpedoes, but it's a start.

NASA has given a couple of bucks to some people to think up a way to build the Deep Space Gateway, a space base orbiting the moon that would be used to launch missions to other Not American planets.

In case you missed it, on Tuesday Fort Collins, Colorado, voted to give city officials the power to create a municipal broadband system, a big slap in the face to Comcast, Verizon, and AT&T.

The Pope wants you to stop staring at your phone, telling a crowd, "The Mass is not a show...so remember, no cell phones," as they all tried to capture his soul with their camera phones.

Tea Party wackjob Steve Scalise posted a video on Twitter of him challenging Texas Rep. Sam Johnson to an electric scooter race around the Capital. It's a battle of the Rascals.

Seb Gorka has been hired by Fox News to convince ignorant olds in Middle America that Hillary's black Muslim Antifa super soldiers are coming to take their daughters and guns.

Fox's funny money mouthpiece, Maria Bartiromo, lost her shit during an interview with DNC chair Tom Perez, and it is delightful.

Former President Steve Bannon went on Hannity's pity party to whine about Mitch McConnell (again) after Democrats beat the shit-stained pants off Republicans on Tuesday.

OH MY CROM! Is InfoWars PLAGIARIZING Russian state-news service RT? Do we need to add "plagiarist" and "thief" to Alex Jones's resume?

During last night's Country Music Awards, some country music people started saying mean things about Donald Trump. Y'all-Qaeda strikes again!

Here's your favorite prez-nit, B. Barry Bamz, reporting for jury duty in the post-apocalyptic hell hole known as Chicago.

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert noticed Trump doesn't know which Not American country he's in; James Corden had some thoughts on the election; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Democrats' big day; The Daily Show found Ed Gillespie's most successful run this year; Jordan Klepper had a white affirmation and welcomed Donna Brazile; Conan O'Brien had some talky time with Bill Clinton; Samantha Bee is just as fucking tired of reporting on mass shootings as we are (and we love her for this one), and then had some talky time with New York AG Eric Schneiderman.

And here's your morning Nice Time! A baby Tapir!

Freedom isn't free, but Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way!

Did you know you can tweet cute critters at Dominic.