Trump Waddles In From Golf Course To Tell Reporters Who He Hates Today. Surprise! It Is Everyone.
Donald Trump hates everybody. He hates you, and he hates me, and he hates Joe Biden, and he hates Kamala Harris, and he hates everyone in Washington, DC. Which is why he's going to run for president again, so he can go back and hang out with those losers for another four years.
The latest excerpt from "I Alone Can Fix It: Donald J. Trump's Catastrophic Final Year" by Washington Post reporters Carol Leonnig and Philip Rucker just dropped in Vanity Fair, featuring the former president in full Grievance Mode. The whining as the Republican leader holds forth in the lobby at Mar-a-Lago would put a whole roomful of hungry toddlers to shame.
About Mike Pence, who failed to say "Hear ye, hear ye" like Thomas Jefferson and steal all the electoral votes for the Dear Leader: "Had Mike Pence had the courage to send it back to the legislatures, you would have had a different outcome, in my opinion."
About Bill Barr, who "started off as a great patriot, but I don't believe he finished that way," because he failed to deploy the Justice Department to overturn the election out of "fear" of the media: "He changed drastically, and in my opinion, he changed because of the media. The media is brilliant. I give them credit. I get it better than anybody that's ever lived. Bill Barr came in because he was really legitimately incensed at what they were doing to me and the presidency on the Mueller hoax. He did a good job on the Russian hoax, right? And then as time went by, and what I should have done is said, 'Bill, thank you very much. Great job.'"
About the Supreme Court, which refused to hear his eleventy-seven insane election law suits: "It should have been reversed by the Supreme Court. I'm very disappointed in the Supreme Court because they did a very bad thing for the country," particularly Justice Kegstand, who really owed him one. "I'm very disappointed in Kavanaugh," he moaned.
He hates Mitch McConnell, "a stupid person" who is not "smart enough" and was too much of a "knucklehead" to follow Trump's sage political advice to eliminate the filibuster when he had the chance.
And he hates Paul Ryan: a "super-RINO."
And he hates Arizona's Republican Governor Doug Ducey: "a terrible Republican" who "did everything he could to block voter integrity, to block people from making sure the vote was accurate."
And he hates Nebraska GOP Senator Ben Sasse: "a lightweight."
And he hates Mitt Romney: also a RINO.
And he hates Chris Christie: "I helped Chris Christie a lot. He knows that more than anybody, but I helped him a lot. But he's been disloyal." (By helped, maybe he means "gave him COVID." You know, allegedly.)
And he hates Nikki Haley, who has been cast out of the Royal Presence and perhaps even the party itself for daring to criticize his conduct on January 6: "Nikki Haley wants to come here so badly. She did a little nasty couple of statements...She has been killed by the party. When they speak badly about me, the party is not happy about it. It's pretty amazing. There's not been anything like this."
And he really, really hates dead John McCain, who tried and failed to tank Trump in Arizona last November: "He was a bully and a nasty guy, bad guy. A lot of people disliked him. Last in his class in Annapolis. All that stuff, but he was a bad guy. I say it to you. I don't care. Does it affect me? I won Arizona, okay? By a lot. Didn't turn out that way in terms of the vote, but I won Arizona. Everyone knows it. He didn't affect me. I won the first time. I won it the second time."
So ... basically the entire Republican Party. He hates them all, with the possible exception of Kevin McCarthy, who kisses his ass so assiduously his nose threatens to poke out of Trump's engorged belly button.
But never fear, it's not all doom and gloom. Because there's one person he really does admire, and that person is ... Donald Trump.
"There's never been a base that screams out, with thirty-five thousand people, 'We love you! We love you!'" he vamped, praising his ability to understand the pandemic as arising from his own genetic superiority to doctors like Anthony Fauci ("a highly overrated person") and Deborah Birx ("a real diva with the scarves and shit").
"First of all, I'm a big person," he said. "Do you know this? My uncle, Dr. John Trump, I think he was at [the Massachusetts Institute of Technology] longer than any other professor. Totally brilliant man. He had numerous degrees. So that's in the genes. I always go with that stuff. But it's a little bit in the genes and Dr. John Trump, he was a great guy. My father's brother. No, I'm a big believer in science. If I wasn't, you wouldn't have a vaccine. It depends."
Then he pivoted seamlessly to praising himself for telling so many beautiful, beautiful lies: "Are you talking about disinformation or are you talking about lies? There is a more beautiful word called disinformation." Or dezinformatsya, as his pal Vlad might say.
And then it was time for dinner, so the former leader of the free world toddled off to the dining room, where he was greeted with a standing ovation for doing exactly nothing at all.
NEVER. NEVER. AGAIN.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.