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Holy frack holes, Wonketariat, it's Friday! Pour yourself a cup of whatever floats your boat and take a peek at ALL THE MANY NEWSES we might be talking about today.

Trump is trying to figure out how to pardon himself and his family now that Robert Mueller is dredging up Trump's finances. One lawyer involved is quoted as saying, "This is Ken Starr times 1,000... Of course it’s going to go into his finances." [MORNING MADDOW]

Trump's Legion of Doomed lawyers and liars are trying to "You're Fired" Robert Mueller and his team for taking a gander at Trump's tax returns. They're hoping to find "conflicts of interest," like when Mueller stopped attending a Trump trash palace in 2011.

Robert Mueller and his league of extraordinary investigators are wondering if Paul Manafort MIGHT have been laundering some money from Russians through his business's fake businesses. [Archive]

The New York Times will not retract a story about Paul Manafort's $17 million debt to pro-Russian groups in Not America, stating that they have "no basis" to correct a complex story about Paul Manafort's ALLEGED money laundering.

SURPRISE! Zombie TrumpCare/McConnellCare is getting beaten back into the grave now that more and more Republicans are trying to disassociate themselves from killing their most reliable voter base.

Senate Republicans are blaming Mike Lee for screwing up their chance to finally kick all the poors off Dr. Uncle Sam's back.

Ajit Pai is not going to release 200 pages of documents related to an alleged cyberattack on the FCC shortly after John Oliver aired this story urging people to send pro-net neutrality comments because (apparently) there aren't any documents to release, and if there were any documents, they'd be covered under the Trade Secrets Act. So there!

The FCC is refusing to comply with a FOIA request to release 47,000 net neutrality complaints against the ISPs who have paid FCC Chairman Ajit Pai many Ameros to severely fuck up the Internet.

Deep inside a dark room on the Hill House Republicans are secretly trying to revive the ban on paying for military members to undergo gender reassignment, but don't bother asking them about the bill, they won't tell. Trigger warning, this story is full of ignorant quotes.

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! The House has decided to fund the National Endowments for Arts and Humanities. I say we use the money for more Trump pee pee statues, flying pig balloons, NSFW Tweet memorials, and other stuff.

Rep. Scott Garret might get dumped for consideration to lead the Export-Import Bank due to his history of gay bashing Republican candidates and his years of shit-talking the EIB.

Sen. Dick Durbin and Lindsey Graham have introduced the "Dream Act," which would grant legal status to Not American youths who entered the US before the age of 18, and met specific stipulations, like living here for four years, going to college, enlisting in the military or holding down a steady job.

Trump's people are killing hundreds of Wall Street regulations. So that's good.

The House Budget Committee has given the green light to a $163.5 billion spending bill that skull-fucks retirement plans of federal workers, AND allows them to fire federal workers for no reason. THIS IS NOT OK.

The Senate Judiciary Committee approved Christopher Wray for FBI Director. His nomination now moves to the Senate floor; the Majority Leader expects to hold a vote before the August recess. Meh.

It looks like years of kissing ass may finally pay off for Anthony "The Mooch" Scaramucci, who is being considered for the White House Director of Communications.

The spokesman for Trump's legal team, Mark Corallo, has "You're Fired" himself presumably because he didn't feel like bitching out Bob Mueller on Fox News twelve times a day.

Trump's brilliant lawyer Marc Kasowitz has been sidelined now that Ty Cobb and John Dowd have taken over. Sounds like someone could use a drink.

It appears that Prince Kushner is still trying to trade visas for Ameros according to Chinese advertising campaigns working in conjunction with Kushner Companies. Grifters still grifting!

Mar-a-Lago applied to hire 70 foreign workers during "Made in America Week." I guess they're making the American Dream?

Somebody(s) made damn sure that Mark Zuckerberg never talked to any climate scientists during his trip to Glacier National Park. At least he met Gracie the Bark Ranger.

Betsy DeVos was speaking to an awful rightwing policy company NPO and revealed that she feels she's earned a "badge of honor" from all her protesters. Those aren't gold stars and participation trophies, they're shattered dreams and middle fingers.

Trump is pissed at Jeff Sessions for not having his back in the Trump-Russia scandal, and that's just the tip of the iceberg that's frozen their bromance.

Paul Behrends, CA Republican Rep. Dana Rohrabacher's creepy pro-Russia aide, was "You're Fired" after people started poking into his sketchy past.

A federal judge is upholding an injunction on Trump's plan to defund sanctuary cities. Looks like Food Truck Friday rides again!

If New Jersey Dem. Senator Bob Menendez is convicted of corruption charges, that means Chris Christie could appoint a temp Senator to fill the seat. If he gets off, Senate Democrats have to decide whether or not to support his reelection campaign.

CIA Director Mike Pompeo had a sit-down talky time with a think tank and said Russia is definitely screwing with our elections (plural!), and talked some shit about North Korea.

Exxon-Mobil is suing the Treasury Department over fines it levied after Exxon violated sanctions imposed on Russia in 2014....when it was being run by REXXON.

Qatar is blaming SOMEONE or something in the UAE for hacking its state-run media, but they're not necessarily blaming the UAE itself.

Israeli police have banned Muslim men under 50 from the al-Aqsa mosque/Temple Mount following a series clashes with police. Mass protests are expected later today to coincide with a Muslim religious week.

The Israeli military is stepping up humanitarian efforts in Syria now that Trump has decided to say "Fuck all ya'll" to the Syrian people.

Russia is experiencing its annual plague of locusts, which is either proof that God exists and has a sense of humor, or that Russia really is kind of a shithole.

Microsoft has been knocking out Russian hackers by building a back door into the Russian back doors, and then suing the people who own their websites. LOL, fancy that!

No, NPR was not trying to silence Milo Yiano-whatever, he's just being an attention whore since nobody wants his book.

One of the Pizzagate jerkoffs went to Auschwitz to threaten the ADL about making "lists" of "undesirable" people. You know who else had a list of undesirable people?

Rupert Murdoch told DEAD Roger Ailes to skew Fox News coverage "to anyone but Trump...even Hillary" but Ailes chose to ignore it, thus giving us yet another reason to spit on his grave. Side Note: the author of this story is a shitheel.

Dame Peggington Noonington hath emerged an ink stained wretch to opine that one, Donald J. Trump, is no Ronald Reagan. Nay, none in the miserable Swamp have the legislative capabilities, nor successful career as an act-toir (having appeared in such films of pure Americana as "Mr. Cowboy Goes to the Water Hole") as her former love. Barf. [Archive]

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert went to Russia and found Trump's pee pee bed; Jimmy Kimmel wondered if people on the street know Jeff Sessions; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Jeff Sessions's bromance with Trump; and The Daily Show knows why Macron wouldn't let go of Trump's hand.

And here's your morning Nice Time! A chihuahua puppy and baby goats!!

WOAH! That's a lot of newses for one day! Maybe gives us some Ameros for booze? Please?

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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Times have been tough for those Trump supporters who are fine with his rampant bigotry but are discovering he's going to screw them like any number of non-wife-like women he totally swears he's never met.

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