GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! We survived another night without a nuclear catastrophe brought on by the hurt feefees of a 71 year-old man. Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Trump is threatening war with North Korea after reports began to surface that North Korea could tape a mini-nuke to a missile and hit Guam, or Seattle, or Chicago.

After Trump attempted to start a nuclear war over Twitter and cable news, US stocks began to tank as investors began to dump their cash into places less likely to experience nuclear fallout, like China.

REXXON arose from his slumber and roared at a press gaggle that "Americans should sleep well at night" because North Korea isn't an "imminent threat."

Trump has been sending Robert Mueller private messages to express his "appreciation" and "greetings." It's unknown if there were little boxes asking whether Mueller is investigating Trump's finances, or if Mueller has a crush on him.

Devin Nunes sent two staffers to the London office of Christopher Steele's lawyer to find out more about THE DOSSIER and never bothered to tell anyone about it. According a former CIA officer it was, "bad on many levels...He deserves better than being ambushed by a bunch of hacks.” No fair! Hacks are all we've got!

There's been a lot of nonsense about the company that commisioned THE DOSSIER, and it's important to remember that Fusion GPS was a hired gun aimed at Trump's wallet.

Trump trotted out Kellyanne Conway, Prince Jared and Tom Price to tell America that we're going to do something about the opioid epidemic, just as soon as we figure what that something is, and how to spell "opioid."

Kay Bailey Hutchison is your new NATO ambassador, and she's expected to keep all the peas in Not America (at least until Trump mean tweets the world into World War III).

You may be wondering how your state/territory is responding to Trump's Election Integrity commission, seeing as how not everyone is bending over backwards to sell out their voters.

Some big names in the GOP donor base are worried that EPA chief Scott Pruitt will ruin everything if he's allowed to keep up his pet project of leaving big, fat skidmarks full of toxic waste all across the planet.

John Sullivan, the State Department's No. 2 official, attempted to reassure diplomats and foreign service officers that everything in the department is totally cool, despite numerous reports that they're all losing their job as Rex Tillerson lies around with a thumb in his mouth.

Silicon Valley is dividing itself among traditional uber capitalists and hippie do-gooder SJWs; meanwhile the minions are struggling to afford breakfast burritos and rent.

Wingnutz in Alabama are clawing each other's eyes out for Jeff Sessions's Senate seat as they try link one another to Nancy Pelosi and "Mitch McConnell’s D.C. slime machine," and to bathe in Trump's golden showers.

Trump's poll numbers are slipping AGAIN; he's even losing the old white guys! So much winning.

Seriously, what the hell is Mike Pence up to with Nick Ayers? Is it a power play, a rescue operation, a gaymosexual bromance?

Bob Mueller's financial records are out and it's bad! You won't even believe how many MILLIONS of Ameros he gave up to lead the investigation into Trump-Russia. He could be motivating rich white people on Wall St., instead he's dealing with this crap.

Despite what you may think, Obama still deported more people than Trump, but that's because immigration courts are currently so backlogged with new detainees that it's becoming impossible to beat Barry-O.

The Mormon Church has "You're Fired" one of its leaders for what is most likely adultery, burglary, embezzlement, spousal abuse, and/or gaymosexin'. However, without any official announcement, it's just as likely he was caught with cup of coffee and a cigarette.

Israelis are kind of freaking out now that the investigation into Bibi's ALLEGED corruption is getting serious; they're going so far as to begin writing what-if's and fanfiction.

According to the WSJ, North Korea released a Korean Canadian pastor it's been holding on to since 2015 as a bargainining chip. [Archive]

It looks like Trump caved on threats to sanction China amid reports that it wouldn't really do anything except piss off arms dealers rubbing elbows with the suit and tie crowd.

Venezuela's new constitutional assembly declared itself all-powerful, calling itself the the most constitutional congress in the history of constitutional congresses ever.

Kenya's opposition leader is calling the results of the country's recent election fraudulent, amid allegations of hacking, violent protests, and fires blocking roads in and out of slums. Don't give North Carolina any ideas, please.

Stephen Miller went on teevee last night to blow Trump and rail against the "XTREME media."

Sean Hannity appears to be slipping into madness after attacking Mitch McConnell as a "weak, spineless leader." Poor baby!

Trumpkins on Twitter like to congregate amongst themselves in secret rooms that nobody else can see so that they can plot and scheme and meme to their black hearts' delight.

Warrantless electronic searches are set to expire soon, and groups like the Heritage Foundation are quietly pushing to keep up surveillance on protest groups and Muslim communities.

Cyber attacks against health care systems are increasing and some nerds are warning it's only a matter of time before your pacemaker's beating out Bee Gees tunes.

JEB! came out of hiding to tell Not American-language cable news that Trump's first 200 days have left him exhausted and that he wants Trump to STFU and "assume the mantle of leadership." Sounds like somebody is a little jealous!

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert thinks it's a bad idea to start a nuclear warJimmy Kimmel went out to Hollywood Blvd see if Americans know where North Korea isSeth Meyers explained Teen Slang for OldsThe Daily Show sent Jordan Klepper to get drunk with a ex-KGB guyConan O'Brien tried Audiobooks For Dogs;

And here's your morning Nice Time! Meerkats! Meerkats in a ball pit!

Help us numb our pain with your Ameros! Everything you donate comes back to you in the form of 'splainerings and newses!

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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