TRUMP UNITES AMERICA! (Behind The Strong, Classy Black Dudes Playing The Foosball)
Kneeling is SO disrespectful!
Sunday mornings in the fall are special in America. A day that nearly the entire country holds sacred. Businesses shut down, some states suspend liquor sales, and the streets are quiet. The good people of America are participating in the hallowed religious ritual of
going to church watching professional football on the teevee machine. We here at Wonkette are not entirely immune to this phenomenon, some of us having been raised to believe in a magical sky man that grants touchdowns to worthy receivers, such as Steve Largent, PBUH. Your humble Shypixel, in particular, grew up in a family based upon faith. Faith in the trio of professional teams that called Seattle their home, the Supersonics, the Mariners, and especially the Seahawks. As any good, true, and loyal fan does, I nurture a deep and unreasoning hatred for the rivals of my team, and for the stars of those accursed enemy teams. You can see where I am going with this, I hated Colin Kaepernick before it was cool, and for a good reason. I mean, he played for the 'Niners, nuff said. Then he started bending the knee during the national anthem...
Since that initial act of protest against
our national anthem, America, and everything we hold dear the lack of attention focused on the staggering number of black people being murdered accidentally deadified without any possible blame by our nation's finest, the "Police," the protest has spread through the NFL like a virus, with players across the league kneeling, sitting, or squatting during the anthem. Clearly, this is a national emergency, on par with the bad hombres of Mexico, and old Elton John song titles.
You know who doesn't like that? Known tiny-hands-haver and acting President, Donald Trump. In the long and storied tradition of sitting US Presidents releasing public announcements attacking private citizens, dating all the way back to 2017, D.J. Trumpkins firmly denounced an unnamed footballer man, calling him a "Son of a Bitch" during a stump speech for the unfortunately named Luther Strange (R- Marvel Comics). You know who didn't like that? Football mans. And Basketball mans, too. Grand Champion Of All Basketballing, LeBron James, was surfing the Twitters and calling Our Dear Leader a bum. Even the NFL was like, "Whoa, dude!" and slid waaay down the bench. Faced with such popular backlash, the healthiest President of all time (citation needed) did what any sane person would do, distance themselves from the asinine comments, and apologize.
Hahahahahaha! JUST KIDDING! Stupid being is as stupid does, President Gump doubled down with a trademark twitter tirade. He decried the great disrespect these bad egg sportsballers are showing our great country! He demanded that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell force his peons to stand! He uninvited star Warrior of Golden State, Steph Curry, from the White House! Mr. Curry, the current holder of the NBA's Most Steph Curry Player title and noted basket maker, had already rather publicly declined the invitation to Trump's House Of Pussy Grabbing, but what the hell, YOU CAN'T QUIT, YOU'RE FIRED!™ Yes, my gentle Wonkers, our beloved orange diaper king has taken the situation in hand, and like a delicate surgeon, he has meticulously removed this dire national infection, restoring our national unity.
Hahahahahahaha! I AM KIDDING AGAIN! DAMN YOU GUYS ARE GULLIBLE! In a development that only people with functioning brains could have foreseen, fanning the flames has only made the fire bigger. Bigly bigger. One might even be inclined to say YUUUGE! We are rather gleefully able to report that by this morning's writing, the infection has spread across the entire Wide World of Sports. We had already seen cases of Acute Anthem Kneeling in the WNBA, when the aptly named for our analogy Indiana Fever bent the knee to godless communism as a team this past Wednesday. But now this infection has spread to our NATIONAL PASTIME! Yup, you read it here fourteenth, Colin Kaepernick has ruined baseball. Last night, Oakland Athletic Bruce Maxwell became the first MLB player to join this insidious and satanic movement. He even released a statement, justifying his literally pissing all over Old Glory and Betsy Ross's corpse:
"The point of my kneeling was not to disrespect our military or our constitution or our country," Maxwell said. "My hand was over my heart because I love this country and I have family members, including my father, who bled for this country, and who continue to serve. At the end of the day, this is the best country on the planet. I am and forever will be an American citizen and grateful to be here, but my kneeling is what’s getting the attention, and I’m kneeling for the people who don’t have a voice.
"This goes beyond the black and Hispanic communities because right now we have a racial divide that’s being practiced from the highest power we have in this country saying it’s basically OK to treat people differently. I’m kneeling for a cause but I’m in no way disrespecting my country or my flag."
Is that all? No, that is not all! Far away in the Fairy Tale Land of London, players from the Jacksonville Jaguars and Baltimore Ravens staged a massive kneel-down before playing their American football game, inexplicably, in England. Great! Now people in other countries will know that some of us aren't racist fucks. Thanks, Jaguars and Ravens, way to keep it in the family. Even more galling to Trump-loving #MAGA panty-waists, the owner of the Jaguars knelt down beside his lessers in support. But his name is Shad Kahn, so he is probably, you know, one of those people. Take it away, Shad:
(Please ignore the one million dollars he gave to Donald Trump.)
BUT WAIT! THERE IS MORE! Have statements been issued? YES! Statements have been issued! Like this one, from the Green Bay Packers:
Famously bald person Terry Bradshaw was not impressed, either. He stated that while he could not condone the protest itself, he totally condones the protest. Confused? So were we. Watch:
Hell, even Brennan Gilmore's Grandpa got in on the act, and we don't even know who the fuck Brennan Gilmore is:
Not to be outdone, because of how they are the very best of all teams in all ways forever, shut up, my Seahawks have been all kinds of Social Justice about this shit. Star defensive end and all-around awesome guy Michael Bennett, who was an early adopter of the protest, had this to tweet:
My mom is a beautiful lady she has never been a bitch— Michael Bennett (@mosesbread72) September 23, 2017
Wide Receiver Doug Baldwin also had words to say:
Statement from Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin. Maybe my favorite response thus far. pic.twitter.com/MpH2Y1dC44— Dave Zirin (@EdgeofSports) September 23, 2017
"In this incredibly polarizing time, there’s no longer a place to sit silently. It’s time to take a stand. We stand for love and justice and civility. We stand for our players and their constitutional rights, just as we stand for equality for all people. We stand against divisiveness and hate and dehumanization. We are in the midst of a tremendously challenging time, a time longing for healing. Change needs to happen; we will stand for change. May we all have the courage to take a stand for our beliefs while not diminishing the rights of others as this is the beating heart of our democracy. As a team, we are united in a mission to bring people together to help create positive change. We can no longer remain silent. I will stand with our players"
All this kumbaya bullshit isn't sitting well with everyone. This is something up with which Joe Walsh will not put!
You're free to take a knee during the Anthem. POTUS is free to criticize you. And we're free to turn you off.— Joe Walsh (@WalshFreedom) September 24, 2017
And that's what's happening.
To which we can only reply, FUCK YOU JOE, PAY YOUR FUCKING CHILD SUPPORT!
So this is where we find ourselves this fine Sunday morning. Your Shypixel hates Donald Trump for a good many reasons, but today, I hate him for making me like Colin Kaepernick. Oh well, at least he isn't with the 'Niners any more... Let's go see how all the sportsball men say "Fuck You Donald Trump" today! Will any of them be as cool as this one?
Guess that makes me a proud bitch!— Teresa Kaepernick (@B4IleaveU) September 23, 2017