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I can see your ha-lo, ha-lo, ha-lo!


The Spirit Of The Lord cummeth all over the White House! And it's about time, after eight years of being governed by a secret Muslim whose Christian pastor hated America, and all the presidents who came before that, none of whom were Anointed By Christ like Donald J. Trump, whose almost nonexistent sins have been thoroughly washed by the blood.

We've known about Trump's deep abiding personal faith for a long time. He's a total fangirl for Jesus, because he knows Jesus was an egotistical blowhard like him. He keeps his favorite Bible verses close to his vest, because that is Eyes Only intelligence between him and his God. He is like "NOM NOM NOM" when the priest gives him the little Jesus crackers, because he is so hungry for Jesus in his belly on those rare occasions when he attends church. And now we are learning from the Christian Broadcasting Network that the Trump White House is a NSFW, non-stop Bible orgy with so many Bible studies even Jeff Sessions is hurling his panties at the altar, ALLEGEDLY:

A spiritual awakening is underway at the White House.

Some of the most powerful people in America have been gathering weekly to learn more about God's Word, and this Trump Cabinet Bible study is making history.

They've been called the most evangelical Cabinet in history – men and women who don't mince words when it comes to where they stand on God and the Bible.

That's nice. Does Trump attend? Nah. CBN says he is "invited," which means he hasn't grabbed one Bible by the pussy since the day he was inaugurated. But Betsy DeVos and Jeff Sessions and Rick Perry and Sonny Perdue and Tom Price and Mike Pompeo go. Oh, and Mike Pence wants to come too, when he has time.

This guy Ralph Drollinger has a good old fashioned witnessin' organization called Capitol Ministries, and he teaches the Bible study for all these good Christian folk, then sends them out into the world where they implement Jesus's message by trying to take healthcare away from people and saying bitches be lyin' when they say they've been raped.

No for real, Drollinger says he does Bible to these cabinet members, then he sees them on TV doing the exact same Bible he taught them:

"He'll (Jeff Sessions) go out the same day I teach him something and I'll see him do it on camera and I just think, 'Wow, these guys are faithful, available and teachable and they're at Bible study every week they're in town,'" Drollinger said.

Which time was that, when Sessions went on TV and Bibled just right? When he decided he wanted to Make Civil Asset Forfeiture Great Again? Is that some kind of "render unto Caesar" crap? What about his racism and his work to chip away at voting rights and civil rights? The Bible says Jesus was allegedly always loving outsiders and healing the sick and caring for the least of these, but those are probably just liberal agenda translations that conveniently forget to include how the Son Of God finished most of His sermons with the words, "Unless they are a black or a Messican, in which case disregard everything I just said. Also too, NO HOMO."

Drollinger has high praise for Mike Pence, the vice president of America who calls his wife "Mother":

"Mike Pence has uncompromising biblical tenacity and he has a loving tone about him that's not just a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal," he continued.

FACTCHECK: Mike Pence is TOTALLY a noisy gong and a clanging cymbal, by which we mean fuck him sideways.

If you happen to be in the White House (hello, press corps!) and manage to squirrel your way into one of these weekly Bible orgies, please drop yr Wonkette a line and tell us what it's really like. Remember to Bring Your Own Bible, otherwise they will know you are a fake news impostor. You can borrow one from yr Wonkette if you need!

Also probably bring condoms because ain't no party like a Trump Bible party and we just bet Rick Perry, Tom Price and the others are HOT 2 FUCKING TROT once they're done getting Bibled by old Ralph.

Wonkette salaries are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below, to pay our salaries!

[CBN]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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