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Trump Will Make You Die Alone, Unsexed. So We've Got That Going For Us!

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this is an illustration of a swollen liver so that seemed relevantWe are sure that you have put on the Trump 20 just like we have, which is where you've been basically drunk since the election and have also just discovered that 34 is the age where your metabolism starts to count beer as calories. Just in time for beach weather, yay!


But civil unrest has other impacts on a population and boy howdy is this year gonna be great! We don't know for sure HOW great because there's not a ton of research on what happens to a citizenry in the run-up to the country coming apart -- the bit where nobody knows what facts are true and which high-ranking security officials are working for and/or against the executive and/or legislative, and the populace is restive and angry and violence becomes mainstreamed and there's no political solution on the horizon. Usually when you get those circumstances there's a war in short order, and then everybody studies that.

But let's assume we're going to buck that worldwide trend and probably not wind up in a shooting war with the asshole neighbors. Let's examine our national psyche! Let's see, we've got a sense of social disconnection (illustrated by the spate of "Who Knew These People Even Lived Here Holy Shit Look At These People Who Voted!" stories) and we've got increased tension any time anyone does anything that might even be thought of as political if you tilt your head and squint. Anecdotally, though again there's not exactly data on this, most everyone in the country has a friend or family member they're not speaking to. Oh, and nobody knows what the fuck with Russia and there's multiple Constitutional crises in an average day. And we might kill everyone's health care. And schools are cutting to four days a week because of budget woes. And random racists are beating people up at will. And Texas has a shit maternal mortality rate. And Donald fucking Trump, generally. When Megyn Kelly is interviewing Alex Jones on MSNBC, I fundamentally do not understand the reality I'm living in. It is an interesting time to be an American and there is a reason that is a curse.

So we're going to extrapolate and make a bunch of baseless claims here because we are not a social science research outfit. But they are solid baseless claims so bear with us!

After 9/11, marriage rates spiked. One assumes everyone went all carpe diem and thought "you know, I better lock in getting laid every night because this life thing is fragile and short-lived!" Thought about what was truly important to them and all the other things you do when you're confronted with your own mortality but you're not old enough yet for that to be pretty standard.

After Hurricane Sandy? People split up. Because lots of stress, and everyone is uncomfortable and bitchy and not at all their best selves after months of worry and confusion. It's not a direct comparison by any stretch, but it's also not outside the realm of public knowledge that relationships conducted during periods of high stress tend to disintegrate. Which is how it comes to be that the election of Donald Trump might not just fracture America; it might indirectly result in you getting laid less. We don't have much data on mood and the impact of insane politics on relationships but this is America and EVERYBODY is noting that we are fucking less out of sheer malaise.

It doesn't take a genius to realize that an uptick in stress, depression and civic unrest dragging on for months or years ain't a good thing for America's friendships and romantic attachments. So if you find yourself getting short with a loved one, blame it on His Most Bigly Of Hands and see if you can turn that into make-up sex.

What we are saying is, go get laid. For America.

[Slate/Cut/Vice]

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