Trump Will Now Murder Iran For Hurting His Feelings And Calling Him 'Retarded'

Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

"You sanction the foreign minister simultaneously with a request for talks," an exasperated Rouhani said. He called the sanctions against [Ayatollah] Khamenei "outrageous and idiotic," especially since the 80-year-old Shiite cleric has no plans to travel to the United States.

"The White House is afflicted by mental retardation and does not know what to do," he added in Farsi, using a term similarly as offensive in English.

That's right, Rouhani meant to say that.

Donald Trump is predictably taking it all in stride like a common Barack Obama, and not at all having a temper tantrum conniption about it:


And to be fair, before Trump started his rom-com life with Kim Jong Un, back when they hated each other, Kim called him a "mentally deranged orange dotard" -- all off which is true -- but even Kim didn't say Trump was "afflicted by mental retardation." Obviously that is a very un-PC thing to say -- the president of Iran is being very rude! -- but for a president who falsely prides himself on his "good brain" and his "best words" and his good grades (you know, the ones at Wharton that it was Michael Cohen's job to keep hidden from the public), we can imagine that stings. So much so, apparently, that he is threatening "obliteration" in response to an attack on "anything American," and does an attack on his Stable Genius mind not fall under the category of "anything American"?

Of course, if this follows the Kim Jong Un path, Trump and Rouhani should be registering at Bed Bath & Beyond by next Tuesday. Or maybe they will register at Wayfair. Alternately, what could happen is that Trump and Rouhani will just start trading insults, and since Trump is so very good at verbal sparring, this will devolve quickly into a game of "I know you are, but what am I," before Trump loses the final battle to Rouhani in an epic match of "Gotcha Last!" (Under no circumstances would Trump win. He is a chickenshit loser with tiny hands.)

But what if Trump really does go to war? While he has been reportedly reluctant (so VERY "reluctant") to start a useless and stupid war that we wouldn't win anyway -- that's more John Bolton's vision board -- it's possible that Trump's wounded ego could be the thing that pushes him over the edge. Would there be any plan in place for such a war? Or would it be a bigly failing fuckshow like everything else in Trump's sad life? In other words, would it be a success, or would the aftermath look like Donald Trump Jr.'s face?

Trump commented on that Tuesday:

Yay, forever land war in Asia! Because the president's fee fees are hurt!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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