Trump Won Two Online Polls, Therefore He Won The Debate, IT'S CALLED SCIENCE, ELECTION OVER!
excited donald trump GIF by Bubble Punk

NOTE: We wrote this piece before Trump announced that he (allegedly) has COVID-19. If he really has it, thoughts and prayers. If not, then that's a mighty convoluted way to get out of debating Joe Biden again, which is what this post is about.

So on that note, travel back with us in time to yesterday afternoon, which was by our calculations 476 news cycles ago:

The saga of Donald Trump setting fire to his own dick and eating it during Tuesday night's debate continues. Bless his heart, he really thinks he won.

The first scientific poll is out, my friends. CNBC/Change Research found that Joe Biden's lead after the debate has widened to 13 points (54-41) and that approximately the same majority believes Biden won the debate. Meanwhile, only 29 percent of those surveyed — Trump's base paste-eating cult supporters — were willing to say Trump won. The rest are just holding their noses.

Oh, but you think that's a poll? The Trump campaign got polls! We'll show you how much they got polls! In just a minute!

There may have been many more developments by the time you read this — like Melania's I Really Don't Care Do U tapes about the baby jails and OH YEAH COVID — but we giggled Thursday afternoon as we watched reporters live-tweet a call with the Trump campaign, where they whined and bitched and moaned about the UNFAAAAAAAIR Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD), which is nonpartisan, and which has Republican and Democratic board members. Now, clearly, Trump has decided that not only is his enemy Joe Biden and the moderator and America, but it is also the CPD, which is BIASSSSSSS against him, by wanting him to follow the rules his own campaign agreed to, and for suggesting it might give the moderators a cattle prod or mute button, in case he starts flouting the rules again.

Oh, pathetic.

And on that call — we mentioned they got polls, right? THEY GOT POLLS — they bragged about the after-poll snap debates they DID win.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, they really bragged about online polls from radio stations.

They have done this before, of course. Remember how Michael Cohen paid a guy actual American money to rig meaningless online polls for Trump during the 2016 campaign and just before, to make it look like somebody in the entire world loved him? Cohen made clear once he got off the Trump sauce that he did all that at the direction of Donald Trump.

Who's rigging the New Jersey Dot Com online poll for Trump today? And what about the KISS FM one? We are just asking. Because we know online polls really hurt Trump's feelings, when they don't go his way.

The Trump campaign call got funnier, because the reporters got SAUCY:

As they always say in politics, you don't know what really happened until you hear from the New Jersey Dot Com online poll. God bless you, Zeke Miller from the Associated Press.

LOL will they change strategy because of the crucial New Jersey dot com poll, we are to be laughing right now.

We should also note that just recently, Trump was bragging about another online poll what found that allegedly 45 percent of gay men are voting for him:

Oh, pathetic. Because the poll? Came from Hornet, a gay hook-up app, and it was totally an opt-in thing. Only 12 percent who replied to the poll were even American citizens. Hornet explains its poll in a blog post, noting that it featured quite a few weird results, like how of the American gay men who were on the hook-up app who said they were voting for Trump, 10 percent of THOSE said they "do not support Trump at all."

So we are just going to guess maybe this is not the most reliable poll we have ever heard of in the history of polling.

That didn't stop Tucker Carlson from blowing the poll up Trump's ass:

Oh, pathetic.

By the way, an actual poll by an actual pollster commissioned by GLAAD found that 75 percent of LGBTQ people are voting for Joe Biden.


Trump got the Hornet poll for the guys who currently have boners and are looking to hook up, most of whom are foreign, and he's got the KISS FM poll, and the New Jersey Dot Com poll, and we might as well just call the election over and done with, because of how Trump got those polls and obviously is the winner of everything, the end.

In summary and in conclusion, before Trump announced he (allegedly) has the coronavirus, we were still wondering if there were going to be any more debates between Trump and Biden haha the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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